Day 2 of 31. Legs.

Oh legs.  My legs have been the catalyst to the distaste of my body for so long.  From a young age through college I was involved in a lot of sports.  I happened to be involved in the sports that required and developed strong thigh muscles.  Now, what I would say in a perfect world is that I was so thankful  for how strong my legs were and how they gave me the ability to do those things.  I am not going to say that because for me it was so far from the truth.  I hated my legs.  They were too big. Even in the midst of an eating disorder they were the only things that would not change.  And I tried...oh how I tried.  There were nights I would draw with markers all over them words that I'm not even gong to repeat.  Around the words I would draw surgical lines like I was going in for some kind of plastic surgery.  Y'all it was bad.

And now, you would expect me to start this next paragraph with the fact that I now love my legs and I've come to develop a newfound appreciation for them.  Well, I'm not.  Because it would only be half true.  I will tell you that I don't hate my legs anymore but we are definitely not bffs.  And another truth I am going to share with you is that the simmering hatred for my legs was still close to knocking the proverbial lid off the pot until last week.  

Those legs.  The ones I don't like really well?  They carried me for 18 miles.  Those thigh muscles that I have loathed for so long?  They allowed me to run those 18 miles.  They allowed me to run 18 miles with a smile. In a tutu. Training for my first marathon.  Allowing me to try and raise money for the Getty Owl Foundation.  So, no, I still look in the mirror and frown a little bit when I see them but I have a whole new appreciation for them.

What is your least favorite part on your body?  Let's figure out together how you can go from hatred to at least being able to stand next to each other on the elevator.  

  

Loving my mommy body.

I have struggled with body image since I was in middle school.  Thinking back to elementary school I'm pretty sure there were some struggles bubbling below the surface but I was too busy having fun and not really caring to be bothered by them.
The struggles got fiercer as I got older.  As I grew my friend base.  As I was exposed to more of the "real world", watched more TV, read more magazines.  The struggles developed into obsession.  Obsession developed into sickness.  Sickness into disorder.  I developed an eating disorder and severe clinical depression.  As I got older those thoughts got harsher.  The hatred grew stronger.  I was never happy with what I saw in the mirror.

When I got pregnant, a lot of people were worried about how I would react to gaining baby weight during the pregnancy but also what would happen after the baby was out.  Thankfully, Teagan nursed well and for an entire year postpartum.  I had her completely dependent on me being healthy.  Otherwise, she would suffer.  With Kyra, the nursing wasn't so effective but the having two sweet girls that needed a healthy mommy was.

That being said.  It has been hard.  I've hated boobs my whole life.  I've been pretty close to duct taping them down a time or two over the years but I've never quite gone that far.  With two pregnancies, they got bigger, of course they got bigger.  With two pregnancies, the hips got bigger, of course they got bigger.  With two pregnancies, my nose got bigger, I think that is because I had girls (hello, old wives tale).  With two pregnancies, my feet didn't get bigger, hooray!!

We mom's should give ourselves a serious learning curve when it comes to our post-pregnancy bodies. They are new. They are alien.  Sometimes they are just plain crap.  However, WE GREW A HUMAN IN THERE.  So, let's give ourselves some grace, shall we?  I tell our girls so often they will eventually spout it in their sleep talk that they ARE fearfully and wonderfully made.  You know what? SO. AM. I.  I am a child of the King too.  He knows how many hairs are on my head (and my legs a little more often than I'd like to admit).

So, when I saw an opportunity to challenge myself.  To challenge other women, not just moms, to love our bodies and see ourselves the way HE sees us? I jumped on it.  I'm not sure what it's going to look like just yet.  But I'm excited.  I would love to have you on this journey with me, Sisters.  Let's love ourselves a little more each day this month, for the 31 Day Challenge.  And when we can't see the good, we can lean on each other, but mostly we should remind each other that WE are fearfully and wonderfully made.

15 weeks

*picture via Google Images*

I will be 15 weeks on Saturday.  I really can't believe we're already at this point.  This pregnancy is flying by.  It's a little daunting.  I feel sometimes that I'm not spending enough "time" with the baby in my belly because all of my focus is on taking care of Teagan. I spent a lot of time reading and singing and rubbing and thinking about Teagan when she was in my belly.  I know this baby hears all of that but it's all directed to Teagan.  I need to start taking a few minutes during the day to really just focus on this baby every single day. 

On to the "good stuff":

Weight gain- 4 1/2 - 5lbs depending on the day.  Most of the weight is in the "top" section of my body & that is all I'm going to say about that right now.

Size of Baby Bear- 4 inches long about the size of an apple!! Not even a pound yet!

Clothes- I can still fit in about 95% of my clothes.  My "hot mama" skinny jeans definitely got put in the back of the closet a few weeks ago.  I'm in that weird "I look like I've just let myself go, where is that round belly at" phase. 

Baby Bear's movement- Once or twice when I'm still and on the couch relaxing I've felt a little dainty roll that leaves as quickly as it comes.  It brings tears to my eyes every time. 

Cravings- ORANGES!!! I can tear through a 5lb bag in a week at work with no help.  Grape kool-aid. Mashed potatoes. Substation 2 subs (that I can't have but they sound SO very good).

Aversions- The thought of berries (blueberries, blackberries, raspberries) makes me sick.  Strawberries are okay and I can definitely eat them like crazy!

Feeling: Pretty great! I have my days where I feel exhausted, bloated and irritable but the pretty great days outweigh the bad.  Chasing Teagan around has helped me keep the weight down and not just sit and veg on the couch.  I do feel the exhaustion hit around lunch and so I grab a short lunch and a power nap at my parents after.  That has definitely helped me function and not burn out. 
I have struggled a little more mentally with the weight thing this time.  A lot rides on me keeping my wieght on the lower end of normal.  I was also trying to get down to a healthy goal weight when I got pregnant and so I am having to re-adjust my mental game.  It is going to take time but I have a very supportive husband who helps me keep it in perspective. 
(Guys in my life other then my husband should probably stop reading right now, TMI ahead)
Also, the girls are already HUGE!!! For those of you who know me you know that I hate boobs.  I always have.  I was wearing sports bras in high school & college just to smoosh them down everyday.  There have even been a few times during the years where I have seriously joked with friends who are "less full"  that I will share.  I am already up a size and I am only 15 weeks.  My milk never really had time to dry up and so I can only imagine how big they are going to get in the next 25 weeks.  YIKES!
Honestly, that would be my biggest and really only complaint.  I am truly thankful every single day for such a healthy pregnancy so far.  I will do my best to post an official 15 week picture on Saturday!