Both of my pregnancies were/have been pretty easy. Physically easy. Emotionally this prgnancy has been a little difficult. During this pregnancy both Baby Bear and I have been put on the back burner. Taking care of Teagan's needs have come first and I feel like they should. She is here and can't care for herself. So, I (and Josh), have to. Don't think I resent Teagan for this at all. I love caring for Teagan. The fact that I have let me an Baby Bear be put on the back burner has made it hard for me to focus on this pregnancy or Baby Bear at all. That is my fault. NOT Teagan's.
I just feel so disconnected from Baby Bear. I feel like haven't had time to be excited. I feel like I've barely had time to remember I'm even pregnant. I don't feel like I know this baby. With Teagan I knew every movement. I knew her schedule. I sang to her. I read to her. I spent hours rubbing my belly and day dreaming about holding her. By the time I sit down at night I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open.
The feeling of disconnect scares me. What if the feeling continues after Baby Bear gets here? What if I'm not capable of loving nother baby? What if I just go through the motions? What if I compare Baby Bear to Teagan? Should we have found out if Baby Bear is a boy or girl? Would that have helped? Would buying a few "things" specifically for Baby Bear make me feel more connected? Like "ohh, this is for Baby Bear"! I feel like the emotionally floodgates are fixing to open at any time. There are anywhere from 4-7 weeks before Baby Bear gets here. There have been times I have just wished for this pregnancy to be over so I can hold Baby Bear. So I can pove to Baby Bear that I DO love her/him. So I can cuddle and nurse and rock. So I can connect. I almost feel more pressure to deliver vaginally and naturally. I feel like that would help me feel with the connection. I know that sounds kind of crazy but it's how I feel. I am craving any kind of connection with my Baby.
Have any of you felt like this? With your first? Second? Third? Was there anything that helped you? I feel so scared and so helpless.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Step Back.
Have you ever just taken a step back and watched? I try to do this on occasion with Josh and Teagan. When I do I am never disappointed and I always seem to be amazed at what I am looking at. I have seen my husband change so much over the last few years of us becoming man and wife. I have seen even more change in him as he has become a father. A daddy. He has an old soul that comes with a calmness I can only strive for. He is driven by purpose and a strong need to provide for his family. For me, Teagan and Baby Bear. As Teagan gets older his and her bond get stronger and stronger. I see a new light in his eyes that never seems to waiver. It began when he carefully and gently held her for the first time. She was his. Forever. With Teagan it is almost as if Josh has a new sense of purpose for his life. Every bone in my body believes he would go to the ends of the earth and back for her. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And Teagan. Oh my sweet Teagan. She loves her daddy with such a sweet innocence that sometimes it's almost surreal. She knows her daddy's voice, his footsteps and the sound of his car pulling into the garage. The light in her eyes when she hears the creak of the kitchen door often brings tears to my eyes. She knows Daddy is home.
As bittersweet as time passing is I still feel a curious anxiety for the time to come. I anxiously await being able to step back and see just how the bond of father-daughter grows. How their love for each other defies the odds. No matter what they might be.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Goal: VBAC. The successful kind.
I don't make it a secret that I had a C-section with Teagan. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I had an incredibly successful c-section that I recovered marvelously from. Dr. James totally rocked it. Was it my ideal way to bring our sweet girl into the world? No. Was it necessary? My doctor thought so and I trust my doctor. We trust my doctors. The ultimate goal of healthy baby/healthy mommy was met and that is what counts.
This go 'round we are aiming for a VBAC. The doctors, Josh and I have discussed it and they are all for it as long as this baby is under 8 lbs (even though I have one doc who thinks Baby Bear is going to be a giant). Also, the fact that I didn't develop gestational diabetes this time is playing in our favor.
Honestly, I am starting to get a little nervous. The nervous that started sneaking up around this time with Teagan. The HOLY COW THIS BABY HAS TO COME OUT nervous!!! When I went into labor with Teagan the thought of a c-section hadn't really crossed my mind. I did a lot of laboring at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was at 7cm and still going strong. They say the second baby comes faster and there is a lot to consider with a VBAC so basically at the sign of real labor this time we'll need to head to the hospital. This stirs a mixture of feelings through me. I know why I need to get to the hospital quickly and we will but I am anxious about it. I know the second we get into the room they are going to start hooking me up to everything under the sun to make sure things are going smoothly. I get that. I really do. Am I excited about it? No. I don't want to be hooked up to a lot of things. I want to be free to labor in my "froggy" position like I did so well with Teagan and I want to be able to walk and shower and do it my way. I am fearful it won't happen that way because of all the precautions that have to be taken. Then there is still the possibility of a c-section that will linger until we go into labor. We will have an ultrasound when I am 36 weeks to see what the size of Baby Bear is estimated to be and then a decision about the c-section will be made. Until then we are going forward with the VBAC plan.
Right now, as much as I want a VBAC, I am determined to stay open minded about the whole situation. Josh and I have discussed it and obviously we are only concerned with the healthy baby/healthy mommy outcome no matter how we get there.
This go 'round we are aiming for a VBAC. The doctors, Josh and I have discussed it and they are all for it as long as this baby is under 8 lbs (even though I have one doc who thinks Baby Bear is going to be a giant). Also, the fact that I didn't develop gestational diabetes this time is playing in our favor.
Honestly, I am starting to get a little nervous. The nervous that started sneaking up around this time with Teagan. The HOLY COW THIS BABY HAS TO COME OUT nervous!!! When I went into labor with Teagan the thought of a c-section hadn't really crossed my mind. I did a lot of laboring at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was at 7cm and still going strong. They say the second baby comes faster and there is a lot to consider with a VBAC so basically at the sign of real labor this time we'll need to head to the hospital. This stirs a mixture of feelings through me. I know why I need to get to the hospital quickly and we will but I am anxious about it. I know the second we get into the room they are going to start hooking me up to everything under the sun to make sure things are going smoothly. I get that. I really do. Am I excited about it? No. I don't want to be hooked up to a lot of things. I want to be free to labor in my "froggy" position like I did so well with Teagan and I want to be able to walk and shower and do it my way. I am fearful it won't happen that way because of all the precautions that have to be taken. Then there is still the possibility of a c-section that will linger until we go into labor. We will have an ultrasound when I am 36 weeks to see what the size of Baby Bear is estimated to be and then a decision about the c-section will be made. Until then we are going forward with the VBAC plan.
Right now, as much as I want a VBAC, I am determined to stay open minded about the whole situation. Josh and I have discussed it and obviously we are only concerned with the healthy baby/healthy mommy outcome no matter how we get there.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Dearest Teagan
Dearest Teagan,
My Sweet Little Bear, these last few weeks have been kind of rough on you. I was gone for 4 days then we left for a very long road trip to Vermont and we threw your schedule all out of sorts. Then the week after we got back you got bit at school, pretty hard, twice. Your world hasn't quite gone back to normal yet. Since we got back the only time you'll leave my side without protest is at school. I'm not sure if you are still getting back into a comfortable place, if you are afraid I will leave you for a few days again or if you are really starting to sense whats coming in two months.
Some things are going to change. Things I have no power over. I am going to get more and more tired as these 2 months progress. So far I think I have been pretty good at not letting this effect how I play or interact with you. I usually wait to crash after you've gone to bed. This might change a little but as the weather gets cooler I hope it won't change too much. My belly is only going to continue to get bigger. Mommy isn't very tall so Baby Bear has nowhere to go but out! That means sitting in my lap is going to get a little more difficult. Just because my belly is getting bigger does not mean there isn't room for you anymore. It just means we wil have to make some adjustments. You might just have to sit on the side of my lap instead of the middle. We will make it work though Kiddo, I promise.
I just want you to know that your daddy and I will do everything in our power to make sure you don't get lost in the shuffle. I hope you will never question the fact that we love you. There will never be a time in your life where we won't love you and try to show it to the best of our ability. Remember that always.
Forever & Always,
Mommy
My Sweet Little Bear, these last few weeks have been kind of rough on you. I was gone for 4 days then we left for a very long road trip to Vermont and we threw your schedule all out of sorts. Then the week after we got back you got bit at school, pretty hard, twice. Your world hasn't quite gone back to normal yet. Since we got back the only time you'll leave my side without protest is at school. I'm not sure if you are still getting back into a comfortable place, if you are afraid I will leave you for a few days again or if you are really starting to sense whats coming in two months.
Some things are going to change. Things I have no power over. I am going to get more and more tired as these 2 months progress. So far I think I have been pretty good at not letting this effect how I play or interact with you. I usually wait to crash after you've gone to bed. This might change a little but as the weather gets cooler I hope it won't change too much. My belly is only going to continue to get bigger. Mommy isn't very tall so Baby Bear has nowhere to go but out! That means sitting in my lap is going to get a little more difficult. Just because my belly is getting bigger does not mean there isn't room for you anymore. It just means we wil have to make some adjustments. You might just have to sit on the side of my lap instead of the middle. We will make it work though Kiddo, I promise.
I just want you to know that your daddy and I will do everything in our power to make sure you don't get lost in the shuffle. I hope you will never question the fact that we love you. There will never be a time in your life where we won't love you and try to show it to the best of our ability. Remember that always.
Forever & Always,
Mommy
The Getty Owl Foundation. Auction Day 2!!
Yesterday's piece found here, sold for $102!! How awesome is that!?! If you missed the opportunity to bid there is another opportunity headed your way! How about bidding on this sweet painting done by Natalie. You can bid on it here. Don't foget all bids start out at $10!
100% of all proceeds will be going through the Getty Owl Foundation to the Gene Therapy Program at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.
Help us fight SMA, the #1 genetic killer of young children.
Help us fight SMA, the #1 genetic killer of young children.
Summing up SMA.
August is SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) Awareness month. There are a lot of technical medical terms associated with SMA that can quickly get confusing.
Here are a few things you should know about SMA and then there is an awesome visual aid that has been passed around the internet that really puts things into perspective.
*SMA is an inherited disease that causes progressive muscle degeneration/weakness.
*SMA Type 1 is the most severe kind of SMA. Teagan's sweet friend Getty has Type 1.
*SMA is the #1 genetic killer of young children. It occurs in nearly 1 out of every 6,000 births.
*1 in EVERY 40 people unknowingly carries the gene. No matter their ethnicity. Their gender. Their race.
Now, if that alone didn't shock you then let this picture sink into your brain:
Here are a few things you should know about SMA and then there is an awesome visual aid that has been passed around the internet that really puts things into perspective.
*SMA is an inherited disease that causes progressive muscle degeneration/weakness.
*SMA Type 1 is the most severe kind of SMA. Teagan's sweet friend Getty has Type 1.
*SMA is the #1 genetic killer of young children. It occurs in nearly 1 out of every 6,000 births.
*1 in EVERY 40 people unknowingly carries the gene. No matter their ethnicity. Their gender. Their race.
Now, if that alone didn't shock you then let this picture sink into your brain:
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Need art for your home?
How about this piece?
The Getty Owl Foundation is having an online art auction. The auction starts on Tuesday, August 23rd until they run out of art which will probably be around August 30th.
All the art sold is either made by a child with SMA or a loving parent of an SMA child.
100% of the money raised is going to the Getty Owl Foundation for the gene therapy program at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.
The starting bid of all of the art is $10
2 pieces of art will be up for auction each day.
This piece of art was made by a little girl name Nora. Nora has SMA Type 1. She is a little fighting firecracker though who apparently has a nack for painting! Isn't her "Abstract Minnie" piece fantastic?
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