I have been acting like a spoiled teenage brat. Thankfully coffee and prayers with a good friend made me realize that last night. Not a moment too soon.
I have been complaining about my anxiety of another c-section because things weren't going to go exactly how I wanted. I am allowed disappointment but I should not be acting in the way I have been. I have been ungrateful and a brat.
Last night I prayerfully went to God asking for forgiveness for the lack of faith I'd had in him in regards to this last 9 plus months. I have been looking at the possibility (and soon reality) of a c-section as punishment instead of protection. The Lord is not not giving me what I want because he is being mean and punishing me. He is doing it for my protection. There is some reason I am not able to have a VBAC and I have finally come to terms with it. I have found peace and I am so thankful that I am loved by a God who is as patient as mine.
By this time tomorrow I will be seeing a sweet baby being lifted over a blue curtain and hearing that sweet first cry. And I will find myself falling in love all over again.
Showing posts with label c-sections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label c-sections. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
There is an end in sight...
I know I should be excited about Thursday and I AM but I will also have a slight sense of disappointment if we make it to Thursday. We have a scheduled c-section for Thursday morning. I will finally be holding the sweet babe that has been in my belly for more then 9 months in my arms. For that I am beyond ecstatic and couldn't be happier.
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever. A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family. I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me. Selfish or not I can't help it. I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality. I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies. It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body.
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly. I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them. With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited. After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor. They stopped about 10 minutes later. I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break. Nothing else happened. So, of course I woke up this morning defeated. I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital. Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this. I have had a healthy pregnancy. We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what. I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away. I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever. A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family. I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me. Selfish or not I can't help it. I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality. I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies. It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body.
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly. I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them. With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited. After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor. They stopped about 10 minutes later. I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break. Nothing else happened. So, of course I woke up this morning defeated. I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital. Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this. I have had a healthy pregnancy. We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what. I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away. I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
39 weeks
One. More. Week. Until the due date...
We are 39 weeks today! I went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks great. My weight has basically stopped going up (normal for right now), my blood pressure is great and even more important the baby's heart beat is good and strong! We haven't made any "progress" which isn't that surprising. Dr. W says he won't be surprised if I go all at once like I did with Teagan. So, the fact that I haven't dialated any yet isn't a problem and I shouldn't be discouraged.
The game plan as of right now is just wait. Dr. W is going to let me go over 7 days. When we hit the due date he is going to break my water, strip my membranes and basically do what he can to naturally help things along. With a VBAC they don't like to medically induce (pitocin) so we went ahead and scheduled a c-section for October 27th. Luckily it's scheduled with Dr. J the same doc that rocked my first c-section for me! I'm okay with the possibility and so is Josh. It's actually pretty exciting. We have a date that Baby Bear will be here by!
As for now...we wait. And maybe eat a few oreos in the meantime...
We are 39 weeks today! I went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks great. My weight has basically stopped going up (normal for right now), my blood pressure is great and even more important the baby's heart beat is good and strong! We haven't made any "progress" which isn't that surprising. Dr. W says he won't be surprised if I go all at once like I did with Teagan. So, the fact that I haven't dialated any yet isn't a problem and I shouldn't be discouraged.
The game plan as of right now is just wait. Dr. W is going to let me go over 7 days. When we hit the due date he is going to break my water, strip my membranes and basically do what he can to naturally help things along. With a VBAC they don't like to medically induce (pitocin) so we went ahead and scheduled a c-section for October 27th. Luckily it's scheduled with Dr. J the same doc that rocked my first c-section for me! I'm okay with the possibility and so is Josh. It's actually pretty exciting. We have a date that Baby Bear will be here by!
As for now...we wait. And maybe eat a few oreos in the meantime...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Goal: VBAC. The successful kind.
I don't make it a secret that I had a C-section with Teagan. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I had an incredibly successful c-section that I recovered marvelously from. Dr. James totally rocked it. Was it my ideal way to bring our sweet girl into the world? No. Was it necessary? My doctor thought so and I trust my doctor. We trust my doctors. The ultimate goal of healthy baby/healthy mommy was met and that is what counts.
This go 'round we are aiming for a VBAC. The doctors, Josh and I have discussed it and they are all for it as long as this baby is under 8 lbs (even though I have one doc who thinks Baby Bear is going to be a giant). Also, the fact that I didn't develop gestational diabetes this time is playing in our favor.
Honestly, I am starting to get a little nervous. The nervous that started sneaking up around this time with Teagan. The HOLY COW THIS BABY HAS TO COME OUT nervous!!! When I went into labor with Teagan the thought of a c-section hadn't really crossed my mind. I did a lot of laboring at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was at 7cm and still going strong. They say the second baby comes faster and there is a lot to consider with a VBAC so basically at the sign of real labor this time we'll need to head to the hospital. This stirs a mixture of feelings through me. I know why I need to get to the hospital quickly and we will but I am anxious about it. I know the second we get into the room they are going to start hooking me up to everything under the sun to make sure things are going smoothly. I get that. I really do. Am I excited about it? No. I don't want to be hooked up to a lot of things. I want to be free to labor in my "froggy" position like I did so well with Teagan and I want to be able to walk and shower and do it my way. I am fearful it won't happen that way because of all the precautions that have to be taken. Then there is still the possibility of a c-section that will linger until we go into labor. We will have an ultrasound when I am 36 weeks to see what the size of Baby Bear is estimated to be and then a decision about the c-section will be made. Until then we are going forward with the VBAC plan.
Right now, as much as I want a VBAC, I am determined to stay open minded about the whole situation. Josh and I have discussed it and obviously we are only concerned with the healthy baby/healthy mommy outcome no matter how we get there.
This go 'round we are aiming for a VBAC. The doctors, Josh and I have discussed it and they are all for it as long as this baby is under 8 lbs (even though I have one doc who thinks Baby Bear is going to be a giant). Also, the fact that I didn't develop gestational diabetes this time is playing in our favor.
Honestly, I am starting to get a little nervous. The nervous that started sneaking up around this time with Teagan. The HOLY COW THIS BABY HAS TO COME OUT nervous!!! When I went into labor with Teagan the thought of a c-section hadn't really crossed my mind. I did a lot of laboring at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was at 7cm and still going strong. They say the second baby comes faster and there is a lot to consider with a VBAC so basically at the sign of real labor this time we'll need to head to the hospital. This stirs a mixture of feelings through me. I know why I need to get to the hospital quickly and we will but I am anxious about it. I know the second we get into the room they are going to start hooking me up to everything under the sun to make sure things are going smoothly. I get that. I really do. Am I excited about it? No. I don't want to be hooked up to a lot of things. I want to be free to labor in my "froggy" position like I did so well with Teagan and I want to be able to walk and shower and do it my way. I am fearful it won't happen that way because of all the precautions that have to be taken. Then there is still the possibility of a c-section that will linger until we go into labor. We will have an ultrasound when I am 36 weeks to see what the size of Baby Bear is estimated to be and then a decision about the c-section will be made. Until then we are going forward with the VBAC plan.
Right now, as much as I want a VBAC, I am determined to stay open minded about the whole situation. Josh and I have discussed it and obviously we are only concerned with the healthy baby/healthy mommy outcome no matter how we get there.
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