Peace.

I have been acting like a spoiled teenage brat.  Thankfully coffee and prayers with a good friend made me realize that last night. Not a moment too soon. 
I have been complaining about my anxiety of another c-section because things weren't going to go exactly how I wanted. I am allowed disappointment but I should not be acting in the way I have been.  I have been ungrateful and a brat. 
Last night I prayerfully went to God asking for forgiveness for the lack of faith I'd had in him in regards to this last 9 plus months.  I have been looking at the possibility (and soon reality) of a c-section as punishment instead of protection.  The Lord is not not giving me what I want because he is being mean and punishing me.  He is doing it for my protection.  There is some reason I am not able to have a VBAC and I have finally come to terms with it.  I have found peace and I am so thankful that I am loved by a God who is as patient as mine. 
By this time tomorrow I will be seeing a sweet baby being lifted over a blue curtain and hearing that sweet first cry.  And I will find myself falling in love all over again.

5 weeks and 2 days old!

Hello my Baby Love,
You are 5 weeks and 2 days old today! There are only 243 days until I meet you and can hold you in my arms! I cannot wait! I'm more excited then you will ever know! I can't really feel you yet but I know you're there.
I think your Daddy is warming up to the idea. His shock has started wearing off. I think when we go to the doctor on Wednesday he will feel a little better. He is just worried about you and wants to know that you're going to be okay.
I almost found you a stroller for riding while I run but it was too big for you. I would've had to wait until you were at least a year old before we could use it. We can't have that!
Now at the doctor's appointment on Wednesday you might feel a little poking and proding but that is okay. It's just the doctor making sure everything is okay. You probably won't feel it though because you have a big fluffy pillow around you! Your brain is starting to develop now and your hands and feet are kind of like flippers! I think it's pretty cool! It's amazing that a real person, YOU, are growing inside me!!
Well, I love you! Mommy will write to you tomorrow!

Love you Baby Love,
Mommy

Baby Love

Good morning my Baby Love!
You are 5 weeks old today! There are only 245 days left until I get to meet you! Your daddy and I are super excited! Your dad is a bit nervous and still kind of in shock but he already loves you too.
I went walking with you yesterday. I'm already patting and rubbing my tummy because I know you're in there. I can't stop touching my belly because I know you are in there and it amazes me beyond belief. We are keeping it a secret until you are 3 months old. That way we know you are 100% okay!
You have probably felt Mommy crying but that is normal so I hope you aren't scared. I am so excited you are here!! I've been waiting for you practically my whole life!
Well, Mommy has to get some work done now! Just know I love you Baby love!

Love,
Mommy

More from today

So, I can't concentrate on much more then you right now my baby love! Luckily my later appointment got canceled so I can sit here and just be with you. I want to learn everything I can about you. I was talking to you in the car today. I'm sure people thought there was somebody else in the car the way I was going on but you're in my belly and me & your daddy's little secret! I've already got an idea of what I want your nursery to look like. Daddy will make sure it's colorful and bright and special. I have an interview for a different job on Monday. If I get this job it will be better for us and easier on us.
Okay, I'm done for now love. I love you!

Love,
Mommy