This just plain sucks (sorry, Mom). I’m not really sure how else to put it. Ida is having a difficult time right now because it’s changing of the seasons and she is either currently fighting a cold virus or allergies. To be honest, I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like I’m crying without tears because I feel like I’ve cried myself dry.
I’ve not written here in a really long time but to be honest, I am a multi-colored yarn ball of emotions and I’m all over the place with a need to let it out somewhere, so here we are.
Ida was diagnosed with Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis (JIA), polyarticular rheumatoid factor negative on August 17th. Mouthful isn’t it? Try explaining it to people and then feel like an idiot because the words run together. I guess that will eventually get easier because we are just two weeks into a disease that is likely going to last Ida a lifetime. JIA is an autoimmune disease where Ida’s super power immune system has decided to fight not only the bad guys but the good guys. Her initial symptom was waking up in the mornings limping and favoring her left side. Eventually the limping progressed and didn’t go away. She had a few bad weeks of an eye infection (not related in this case) and strep throat. She got to the point she couldn’t stand up in the mornings and we took her in. That was July; this is August and we are 11 days into a diagnosis with two shots under our belts. You read that correctly, our 20-month old has to be given weekly methotrexate shots and is concurrently taking Naproxen twice daily.
Let me get something straight before I go down some emotional black hole. Even on our worst days, we truly believe the God of the universe is in control of this. Does that make it easier to handle? Honestly, some days it does and some days it doesn’t. Does it hurt me to my core on days, like today, when I see Ida in pain or not feeling well or struggling to fight something? Absolutely. Does the fact that I hate this make me think He is less in control on the days she doesn’t feel well? Absolutely not. To be truthful, as difficult as this is, He has been gracious to show us His presence in every part of this. He has shown his hand in a helicopter mom’s observations, a dad who trusts said helicopter mom’s observations, a pediatrician both up front and in the wings who has fought and advocated, the door slam shut on the wrong provider and swing open for the right one, good blood flow on lab days, daycare that has loved on her when this mama couldn’t, nurses who are family and “framily” that are willing to support and teach, and the list just goes on.
Does this suck? Again, yes. (Sorry, Mom!) There is a bigger picture here. God has plans for Ida Jayne and right now this is a season of growth and faith and enduring (hello, Brian Lowe) for our family. Growing pains hurt, developing stamina for endurance hurts, faith can often be hard. This isn’t going to be easy but even on the days Ida hurts too much to walk and I’ve cried myself dry, He is STILL in control and He does NOT falter.
“Even the darkness is NOT dark to you; the night is as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Psalm 139:12
