I have been acting like a spoiled teenage brat. Thankfully coffee and prayers with a good friend made me realize that last night. Not a moment too soon.
I have been complaining about my anxiety of another c-section because things weren't going to go exactly how I wanted. I am allowed disappointment but I should not be acting in the way I have been. I have been ungrateful and a brat.
Last night I prayerfully went to God asking for forgiveness for the lack of faith I'd had in him in regards to this last 9 plus months. I have been looking at the possibility (and soon reality) of a c-section as punishment instead of protection. The Lord is not not giving me what I want because he is being mean and punishing me. He is doing it for my protection. There is some reason I am not able to have a VBAC and I have finally come to terms with it. I have found peace and I am so thankful that I am loved by a God who is as patient as mine.
By this time tomorrow I will be seeing a sweet baby being lifted over a blue curtain and hearing that sweet first cry. And I will find myself falling in love all over again.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
There is an end in sight...
I know I should be excited about Thursday and I AM but I will also have a slight sense of disappointment if we make it to Thursday. We have a scheduled c-section for Thursday morning. I will finally be holding the sweet babe that has been in my belly for more then 9 months in my arms. For that I am beyond ecstatic and couldn't be happier.
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever. A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family. I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me. Selfish or not I can't help it. I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality. I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies. It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body.
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly. I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them. With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited. After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor. They stopped about 10 minutes later. I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break. Nothing else happened. So, of course I woke up this morning defeated. I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital. Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this. I have had a healthy pregnancy. We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what. I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away. I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever. A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family. I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me. Selfish or not I can't help it. I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality. I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies. It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body.
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly. I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them. With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited. After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor. They stopped about 10 minutes later. I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break. Nothing else happened. So, of course I woke up this morning defeated. I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital. Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this. I have had a healthy pregnancy. We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what. I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away. I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Anxiety
Lately I've become anxious about how Baby Bear is going to come into this world.
Ever since I had my unplanned c-section with Teagan I have vowed to have a VBAC with my next one. Now as the due date has approached I wonder if it's just a far fetched dream? Satan really got into my head yesterday and rocked my world. I am so thankful for a God who blessed me with a husband and friends who could talk me down from the proverbial ledge.
When I found out I had to have a c-section with Teagan I was just ready to have her in my arms. The disappointment of not being able to "have her" was not instantaneous, it came when I got pregnant again. It brought out the "what if I just can't deliver a baby" questions. There have been many times during this pregnancy when I have felt like it wasn't going to happen how I wanted. The there have been times where I felt to my core that I am going to rock a VBAC (if I go into labor that is).
Right now I'm in the in between state of mind. I want this baby to come out healthy. I believe I can rock a VBAC but I have my anxieties about it. I still carry the "she's too big" statements in my head I heard with Teagan. They claim this baby is smaller then Teagan but what if Baby Bear isn't small enough? I keep imagining the size of my pelvis and birth canal vs. Baby Bear and wonder How? I was so confident with the idea of labor/delivery with Teagan but my view has been somewhat tainted since then.
I will hold on prayerfully until the morning I get rolled into the OR with Josh at my side that I can have my wish of a VBAC. After that I will be prayerful and thankful we have a happy and healthy baby and mommy. In the end that is all really matters anyway...
Ever since I had my unplanned c-section with Teagan I have vowed to have a VBAC with my next one. Now as the due date has approached I wonder if it's just a far fetched dream? Satan really got into my head yesterday and rocked my world. I am so thankful for a God who blessed me with a husband and friends who could talk me down from the proverbial ledge.
When I found out I had to have a c-section with Teagan I was just ready to have her in my arms. The disappointment of not being able to "have her" was not instantaneous, it came when I got pregnant again. It brought out the "what if I just can't deliver a baby" questions. There have been many times during this pregnancy when I have felt like it wasn't going to happen how I wanted. The there have been times where I felt to my core that I am going to rock a VBAC (if I go into labor that is).
Right now I'm in the in between state of mind. I want this baby to come out healthy. I believe I can rock a VBAC but I have my anxieties about it. I still carry the "she's too big" statements in my head I heard with Teagan. They claim this baby is smaller then Teagan but what if Baby Bear isn't small enough? I keep imagining the size of my pelvis and birth canal vs. Baby Bear and wonder How? I was so confident with the idea of labor/delivery with Teagan but my view has been somewhat tainted since then.
I will hold on prayerfully until the morning I get rolled into the OR with Josh at my side that I can have my wish of a VBAC. After that I will be prayerful and thankful we have a happy and healthy baby and mommy. In the end that is all really matters anyway...
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
And the Mother of the Year award goes to...
Me.
I had that first really awful Mommy moment this morning. I fell. With Teagan. On the asphalt. And she hit her head. I'm not sure what I tripped on or if I just fell over my own two feet. What I do know is that my Mommy reflexes were not quick enough to cushion her head from the concrete. So, it bounced and THEN I caught it. We were in the middle of the car line at school and all I could do was sit there (yes, in the road) and rock her while she cried because her mommy had just fallen and she'd gotten hurt. After about 45 seconds I regained my composure and realized we needed ice or a "boo-boo pack" (and to get out of the road) so I rushed into her school, got one out of the freezer and immediately applied it praying the knot would come up so we were in the clear of a concussion. I went into an empty classroom with a rocking chair and just sat there rocking her, holding the "boo-boo pack" and apologizing over and over again. She snuggled up to me and just sat there while I rocked her trying not to cry. After a few minutes she wanted to hold the "boo-boo pack" and I felt the knot and saw the bruise and I knew she was okay. That didn't stop me from snuggling with her for a few more minutes before I took her into her classroom.
After I got her settled I went to the car and cried. Then I cried some more. I have never felt so bad. I keep replaying the fall in my head along with the sound effects.
Thankfully, we are both okay, just bumped & bruised. I do know it will take a few days for it to get outta my head though. Big fat Mommy Fail.
I had that first really awful Mommy moment this morning. I fell. With Teagan. On the asphalt. And she hit her head. I'm not sure what I tripped on or if I just fell over my own two feet. What I do know is that my Mommy reflexes were not quick enough to cushion her head from the concrete. So, it bounced and THEN I caught it. We were in the middle of the car line at school and all I could do was sit there (yes, in the road) and rock her while she cried because her mommy had just fallen and she'd gotten hurt. After about 45 seconds I regained my composure and realized we needed ice or a "boo-boo pack" (and to get out of the road) so I rushed into her school, got one out of the freezer and immediately applied it praying the knot would come up so we were in the clear of a concussion. I went into an empty classroom with a rocking chair and just sat there rocking her, holding the "boo-boo pack" and apologizing over and over again. She snuggled up to me and just sat there while I rocked her trying not to cry. After a few minutes she wanted to hold the "boo-boo pack" and I felt the knot and saw the bruise and I knew she was okay. That didn't stop me from snuggling with her for a few more minutes before I took her into her classroom.
After I got her settled I went to the car and cried. Then I cried some more. I have never felt so bad. I keep replaying the fall in my head along with the sound effects.
Thankfully, we are both okay, just bumped & bruised. I do know it will take a few days for it to get outta my head though. Big fat Mommy Fail.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Pumpkin patch
We are trying to get in as much as we can before Baby Bear gets here and we are slightly confined to the inside of our house for a while.
Saturday we met up with the Heavner's and went to the pumpkin patch! We had a blast!
Saturday we met up with the Heavner's and went to the pumpkin patch! We had a blast!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
39 weeks
One. More. Week. Until the due date...
We are 39 weeks today! I went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks great. My weight has basically stopped going up (normal for right now), my blood pressure is great and even more important the baby's heart beat is good and strong! We haven't made any "progress" which isn't that surprising. Dr. W says he won't be surprised if I go all at once like I did with Teagan. So, the fact that I haven't dialated any yet isn't a problem and I shouldn't be discouraged.
The game plan as of right now is just wait. Dr. W is going to let me go over 7 days. When we hit the due date he is going to break my water, strip my membranes and basically do what he can to naturally help things along. With a VBAC they don't like to medically induce (pitocin) so we went ahead and scheduled a c-section for October 27th. Luckily it's scheduled with Dr. J the same doc that rocked my first c-section for me! I'm okay with the possibility and so is Josh. It's actually pretty exciting. We have a date that Baby Bear will be here by!
As for now...we wait. And maybe eat a few oreos in the meantime...
We are 39 weeks today! I went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks great. My weight has basically stopped going up (normal for right now), my blood pressure is great and even more important the baby's heart beat is good and strong! We haven't made any "progress" which isn't that surprising. Dr. W says he won't be surprised if I go all at once like I did with Teagan. So, the fact that I haven't dialated any yet isn't a problem and I shouldn't be discouraged.
The game plan as of right now is just wait. Dr. W is going to let me go over 7 days. When we hit the due date he is going to break my water, strip my membranes and basically do what he can to naturally help things along. With a VBAC they don't like to medically induce (pitocin) so we went ahead and scheduled a c-section for October 27th. Luckily it's scheduled with Dr. J the same doc that rocked my first c-section for me! I'm okay with the possibility and so is Josh. It's actually pretty exciting. We have a date that Baby Bear will be here by!
As for now...we wait. And maybe eat a few oreos in the meantime...
Monday, October 10, 2011
Living in a technology world on barely there technology...
Not the easiest thing in the world to do but it's doable. Are there gadgets on my wish list? Absolutely. Have I learned how to adapt with out them? Yes, actually.
My laptop is almost 9 years old and needs to retire. My phone is a hand-me-down from my sweet sister-in-law that is at least 4 yrs old and has no internet capabilities. That is the extent of my tecnhology. No iPhone, no decent laptop, no iPad, no kindle.
How in the world am I making it? Well, it's honestly something I've adapted to as best I can. I tweet via text, even though it's a little difficult when you are over 2 accounts, and I blog VERY carefully on the laptop. Thankful my drafts are saved w/in my blog. I even read books. Like the paper kind. You can close your mouth now.
Sometimes it's annoying and honestly, sometimes I get jealous but like my dad says "Adapt & Overcome".
My laptop is almost 9 years old and needs to retire. My phone is a hand-me-down from my sweet sister-in-law that is at least 4 yrs old and has no internet capabilities. That is the extent of my tecnhology. No iPhone, no decent laptop, no iPad, no kindle.
How in the world am I making it? Well, it's honestly something I've adapted to as best I can. I tweet via text, even though it's a little difficult when you are over 2 accounts, and I blog VERY carefully on the laptop. Thankful my drafts are saved w/in my blog. I even read books. Like the paper kind. You can close your mouth now.
Sometimes it's annoying and honestly, sometimes I get jealous but like my dad says "Adapt & Overcome".
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