Tea for two.

This little girl of mine, she isn't so little anymore. I hear myself starting to say the words, "don't rush it" and "your time will come" more often than I'd like. Her smile lights up the room. Her eyes can tell you every answer to the universe. She has concern for what others think but she still stays true to herself. She reminds me at night to braid her hair so it won't tangle for tomorrow. She asks questions about friends overseas and how certain cultures believe certain things. She prays for their hearts, that they will learn about and love the Jesus she does. She is sassy and easily distracted. She is kind. She loves to sing, and after a lot of persistent practice, has taught herself to snap and whistle and she beams when she does. She tries to mother Kyra Mae which doesn't always go over well. She is rarely without a book or high heels. She likes to accessorize and asks to wear lotion on her face like mommy. Occasionally I curl her hair. She loves dresses. She loves chapstick and cannot wait until we let her have a tube with color. She challenges me. She pushes my buttons and tests my patience. I say, "seriously, kiddo?" quite frequently. Her heart is tender and is easily bruised. There are times where my words are the ones that bruise. She loves deeply and forgives quickly. 

There are times when I cringe for the times that will come as she gets older. I sometimes grow weary for things that will be. For when the reality of a fallen world smacks her in the face. When the kids in her class are not so accepting of her personal style. When the world starts to tell her to just give up or move on to something else when the things in life or life itself gets hard. When her heart gets broken the first time by a friend or a boy after loving them deeply and possibly forgiving too quickly.

Then I rejoice. I rejoice at the fact that God gave her to us. He gave her to me to be her mommy. To be blessed to capture that smile and to be the one to look into her eyes to find the answers she may not want to tell me. I rejoice that there will still be times she wants me to sit on her bed and braid her hair before she sleeps. For the times I won't be leading her into prayers but that we will pray together and her words will be without prompt. I rejoice that she has personality. I rejoice that she has started to seek perseverance now and hope that it will be something we can continue to encourage in her. I love how she loves her sister. I know there will be a realistic version vs. the romanticized version of their relationship that I see but their genuine love for one another makes my heart burst. I am anxious for those relationships that cause her heart to break. I am anxious that she is going to go through the phase that all girls go through where parents are no longer the heroes of their story. However, I hope that at that time I won't want to be her hero and won't pretend to be able to fix it. I pray that Josh and I are able to love her and direct her to the cross, to the real hero. I pray that when the time comes that loving her well as her mommy will be what I am equipped to do. And I am blessed to fill that roll, both now and later. Forever and always. 

Oh Sisters. Oh Friends.

Dearest Girls, 

I was going to put a sweet quote about sisters on here but I decided not to. I googled some but found that a lot of them were cheesy and also didn't come close to the relationship you girls already have with each other and didn't come close to the relationship I pray you will continue to have.

Looking back over the relationship that you girls have developed just makes my heart smile with a joy I never imagined.  The way you sweet girls play, read, and talk together is something that brings a little more light into this seemingly daunting world.  Watching you love each other.  Watching you quarrel with each other.  Watching you make each other laugh.  Occasionally watching you make each other cry.  It all amazes me.     

I am thankful for the blessings that the two of you are to your daddy and I.  As we watch you grow both into your own and together we just want you to know some things...

We love you.  We love you with a love you will never be able to fathom until or unless you become parents of your own.  

We want the best for you.  In those moments where we use the dreaded "No" it's not because we're being mean and it's almost always not because we're tired or frustrated. It's because we are doing the very best we can to raise you up in ways that are good, wise, and kind.  

We love each other. We love each other more now than we did before you both came into our lives.  You girls have help your daddy and I connect more deeply and more intimately than we could ever imagine. We're truly a team now. Not just for your sake but for our own. 

We strive to be more like Jesus.  Moreso now you girls are in our lives.  We have been given an eternal responsibility.  We have been chosen by our sweet Savior to be your keepers and bringers-up here on Earth.  We take that responsibility very seriously.  

We are going to get it wrong. A lot. There are going to be moments when you girls bob and we weave and we're all just standing there like we lost a puppy.  However, we love you. We will always love you. We will shower you with grace and we pray that you will do the same for us.  

Forever & Always, 

Mommy

Dearest Teagan.

Dearest Teagan,
You are growing into such a little lady.  I tell people I don't have an almost three year old; I have an almost five year old because most of the time that is how you act.
I am so proud of the little lady you are turning into.   You have to be accessorized almost always, with either my "high heels" or your sparkly shoes or jewelry of some sort.  You've learned that it is not proper for little boys to watch little girls use the potty.  You have learned to sneeze into your elbow because we don't want to spread the germs.  You have learned we must wear leggings under dresses that have gotten too short because we are ladies and "ladies do NOT show their panties, except to Mamaw and Mommy and Dad".
You are quite a smart little bear as well.  You are always coming home knowing something new.  You are basically a sponge and absorb everything you can.  Right now you're working really hard on your letters.  You can recognize over half of the letters of the alphabet and can name a word (mostly people) those letters begin with.  You can spell Teagan and Kyra.  You love to put puzzles together and are rarely found without a book or a baby in your hand.  You can count to fifteen in Spanish and twenty in English.  You know "head" and "mouth" in Spanish also.  Honestly, I taught you those because I find them fun to say.
You have become quite the "mommy".  To your babies and often times you try to be the mommy to Kyra Mae.  The being mommy to Kyra Mae has its advantages and disadvantages.  You are still working on reading people's body language and so you don't always realize Kyra is saying no until she cries and starts pushing you away.  Then your feelings get hurt, my tender hearted girl.  You walk around with your baby on your hip or cradle them in one arm "like Mommy do".  I often times look to see how you are playing with your babies because I know you will act like you have seen.  Thankfully, I haven't witnessed anything that has made me feel like a hill of dirt.  Mostly I see you being loving but occasionally I hear a "no ma'am" or a "do you need a time out" and I have to stifle a giggle.
You love all things Disney princess and Minnie Mouse.  Honestly I cringed at this and fought it tooth and nail in the beginning.  We were not going to raise you to be a spoiled "princess".  Then I realized it was not the princess trend that grows a spoiled princess, it is how the princesses are presented.  We do not present the princess idea as one of entitlement.  We present it as Belle loves to read like you do or Cinderella is kind like you try to be with your friends and Kyra or Ariel loves adventures and wants to travel to new places like we plan to do when you and Kyra Mae get older.  Also, I watched this video on youtube and as I cried I said "this.  this is what I want princess to mean to Teagan and Kyra".
You love hard and you play hard.  You get your feelings hurt really easily but you know what you want and you want things a certain way.  You wear your emotions on your sleeves like I do but you are methodical like your daddy.  You love for me to pray for you.  When I put you to bed at night and we are "rocking" often you ask "Mommy pray for me" or "talk to Jesus for me, Mommy" and my heart melts.  Little do you know that I pray for you and Kyra Mae often but I will never turn down an opportunity to pray a little more.  You like to pray too.  You love to pray for the firetrucks and the ambulance and the police cars when they zoom by us or you hear them at night.  You also pray for the missionaries, Tim and Kristin Milner in Califorina.  We don't know them but we picked up a postcard with their information on it and you have prayed for them every night since.
Sometimes you and I butt heads because we are so alike and I am sure this is going to get worse as you get older but know that I will always love you.  No matter what.  You will always be my first baby.  You will always be my Little Bear.  You will always have a part of my heart. No matter how quickly you grow or how far you travel, I will be here.  Arms wide open.  Praying for you every step of the way.

Forever and Always,
Mommy
    

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,

Sweet girl. Little Bear. Mommy's helper. Daddy's shadow. Big sister.  Every day with you is something new. Like brand spakin' fresh outta the box new.
Your latest thing is playing with my shoes.  Little lady, you can wear my heels better than I can!
The imagination you are developing is unlike anything we could have wished for.  From mothering your babies to fixing lots and LOTS of noodle soup in your kitchen.  From "doing it like Daddy do" to "feeding Baby Sally like Mommy".  I can't wait to see where your imagination takes you. 
We will continue to let you explore your world with boundaries and freedom all at the same time.  We will let you make mistakes but I promise we will catch you when you fall.  If we happen to miss I promise we will pick you up, hold you and find a bigger mit to catch you with the next time.

Forever and Always,

Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
Oh my Mercy, sweet Little Bear.  You turned two yesterday. Two. As I type that number I shake my head in blatant disbelief.  Can it be that you have been in our lives for two years?  Sometimes I can't remember life before you.  It seems so surreal.  These last two years have gone by at unheard of speeds.  Some moments seemed to creep by then the other times could have broken the world record for speed.
You have been my most efficient teacher, my sweet girl.  In the past when things got hard or difficult I would run away.  I would look for the easiest way out and run full steam ahead to it.  With you I couldn't run.  With you I was made to stay and fight.  Having you in my life has made me stronger and more willing to fight for the things I want and love the most.  To type an almost unavoidable cliche' you have made my life, and your Daddy's, better.
Your daddy loves you I think more then you will ever know.  You've changed him as much as you have changed me.  He was a good man before you entered our lives but something about you triggered something in him.  There is a certain look in his eyes when you reach out for him.  That look has been in his eyes since he first held you.  It's a look of unconditional love and fierce protection.  Your recent thing to do with Daddy is to give "bear hugs".  You squeeze each other tight and I always wonder who is going to let go first.  I don't think either of you ever want to.  You've also started "reading" to him at night.  Sometimes all four of us don't get to say goodnight together.  While I am getting Kyra ready for bed Daddy puts you to bed.  There have been times when I've gotten Kyra down but I don't come out.  I just listen.  I listen to you reading mine or your daddy's Bible and then begging to be rocked a minute.  I don't dare come out because I would never want to interupt your special moments as father and daughter.  As daddy and his little bear. 
You continue to amaze us, Little Bear.  I know I say that often and to anybody who will listen.  I know I am bias and see you through rose colored glasses more often then not.  But you do amaze us.  Your intelligence, your kindness and your genuine innocent curiousity.  You are truly coming into your own.  Every day there is something new.  Some new word or funny face or emotional meltdown.  There is never a day like the day before.  You are a very emotional little being.  To be honest it sometimes drives me and your daddy crazy but we have to take a step back and realize just because you're a smart booger doesn't mean you are an adult and you are still figuring things out.  So, your emotions will continue to be extreme until you can get a handle on them.  Honestly, I will be glad when you can regulate your emotions but I pray you don't lose your passion while you learn regulation.
This morning I was the one who got you up and out of bed.  When I picked you up you held on tight.  Tighter then normal in the morning and you didn't want to be put down.  Usually we are in a big hurry in the mornings and I don't take time to just be because usually there isn't time for that.  This morning even though the minutes were speeding by I made time.  I sat down in the middle of your floor with you on my lap wrapped tightly around me.  Legs around my waist and arms around my neck.  I just sat there rocking, rubbing your back, smelling your hair and talking sweetly to you.  You were telling me about your dreams. About how you and Kyra played baby dolls.  It was one of those moments that was so simple but one forever forged into my memory.  I pray for many more of those time please stand still moments.
I love you Little Bear.  I love who you are.  Who you are becoming.  Who you will be. 



Forever and Always,
Mommy
  

Dearest Teagan.

Dearest Teagan,
My sweet sweet Little Bear.  You will be 2 in thirteen days.  I can barely breathe when I think about it.  I looked at pictures of your last almost two years the other day and basically sobbed my heart out.  It's all happening so fast.  Just like they said it would.  Everybody told me it would fly by and that I should cherish every single thing I could.  I pray that I did but I fear that I didn't.  There were many times where I was distracted by chores, by dinner, by the TV, the phone or the computer.  Times where I thought it would be okay if I multi-tasked.  Now, I'm wondering to myself what did I miss?
I'm sure there were smiles that I missed.  Giggles that I would die to remember all over again.  Times where you might have reached for me and I just missed the opportunity before you got distracted.
Even though I'm sure there are times I have missed I know I've seen and will forever remember so many more things then those missed moments.  Even though there are times I missed I know without a doubt that you know how much I love you.  I see it in your eyes and your smile when I pick your sleepy head up out of your bed in the mornings.  I hear it in your voice as you call out to me for whatever reason.  Being sure that you know my love for  you makes it all right. It makes it all worth while.  It makes everything else fade away. 

Forever and Always,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
My sweet little girl.  I guess I can't call you a baby any longer because you're not.  You are a full blown toddler, not quite in age but definitely in spirit.  You are truly coming into your own and I continue to be amazed.  You have a mixture of mine and your daddy's personalities which eventually will be a good thing.  Right now it's conflictual and sometimes causes fits of misunderstanding. 
Your curiosity definitely comes from your daddy.  You want to know how everything works no matter how messy or how long it takes.  You get focused and that is it.  It's hard to tear you away from that thought you're pondering or the item you're trying to master.  Even if we manage to get your attention away for a minute your thoughts go right back to the original.  You also have your daddy's strong will.  Sweet girl, I'm mixed on my happiness of this one.  You and daddy are going to be a force to be reckoned with as you grow up.  I have a feeling you and daddy are going to be like me and Papaw.  The teenage years are going to be rocky but your love for your daddy will never waiver because he is a good man and you will grow up respecting him.  I pray you have enough of me in you that you can curb your strong will and compliment your daddy's instead of fighting against it. 
Your love for others, especially our family and friends, brings tears to my eyes if I let myself think about it enough.  Every night your prayers continue to get longer because you don't want to forget somebody.  And you are so matter of fact in your naming of all your loved ones.  There is never any question who you are praying for.  Your hands even go together and your mouth sweetly calls out "Pray Mommy" when we pass an ambulance, a firetruck or a police car.  And as I pray you pray with me; the words coming out softer then a whisper with a loud AMEN at the end.  The innocence you have right now is something I wish for you to not outgrow.  Naive and innocent are two different things. I don't want you to be naive because that can be misused and abused.  I want you to keep your innocence as long as you can. 
I know I've said this before but your love you've shown for Kyra has been more then your daddy and I can imagine.  You've taken to her like a champ.  And I am so proud of you.  I know it's been hard.  It's been hard for all of us.  Completely worth it, but hard.  I know you're used to having me all to yourself and when you want me and I'm in the middle of feeding Kyra or rocking her to calm her and I can only give you half of me, if even, that it upsets you.  Understandably so.  Honestly it upsets me sometimes too.  It upsets me that I don't have four arms and two chests instead of two and one.  I want you to know that just because my body can't give you what you need all the time that my heart always will.  My heart has divided into three parts and one of those parts is just for you. Nobody else can have it.  And I will never give it away.  I pray you can always hold on to that.  Even as you get older. Especially as you get older.
I love you my Little Bear.  As bittersweet as it is for me as a mommy I can't wait to watch you continue to grow. To learn. To experience things in a way not like anybody else's.  I pray you continue to thrive and love and explore. And anytime you fall, just know Daddy and I will be here to catch you. Always.


Forever and Always,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
My Sweet Little Bear, these last few weeks have been kind of rough on you.  I was gone for 4 days then we left for a very long road trip to Vermont and we threw your schedule all out of sorts.  Then the week after we got back you got bit at school, pretty hard, twice.  Your world hasn't quite gone back to normal yet.  Since we got back the only time you'll leave my side without protest is at school.  I'm not sure if you are still getting back into a comfortable place, if you are afraid I will leave you for a few days again or if you are really starting to sense whats coming in two months. 
Some things are going to change.  Things I have no power over.  I am going to get more and more tired as these 2 months progress.  So far I think I have been pretty good at not letting this effect how I play or interact with you.  I usually wait to crash after you've gone to bed.  This might change a little but as the weather gets cooler I hope it won't change too much.  My belly is only going to continue to get bigger.  Mommy isn't very tall so Baby Bear has nowhere to go but out!  That means sitting in my lap is going to get a little more difficult.  Just because my belly is getting bigger does not mean there isn't room for you anymore.  It just means we wil have to make some adjustments.  You might just have to sit on the side of my lap instead of the middle.  We will make it work though Kiddo, I promise. 
I just want you to know that your daddy and I will do everything in our power to make sure you don't get lost in the shuffle.  I hope you will never question the fact that we love you.  There will never be a time in your life where we won't love you and try to show it to the best of our ability.  Remember that always. 

Forever & Always,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,

Oh my Little Bear! What a big girl you're becoming! You moved up into the "big kid" classroom at school this week.  The one where we used to poke our heads in, you would wave to the "big kids" and they would scream at the top of their lungs "Hi, baby Teagan"!  Now, you are a "big kid". You are a toddler and no longer a baby.  Honestly, just typing those words brings bittersweet tears to my eyes. No longer a baby.

I am so proud of you.  You have grown up so much in the last few months that it makes my head spin just trying to keep up with it all.  You are starting to take in the world around you with a new curiosity that makes me gaze at you with wonder.  You've started talking more and you like to read to yourself now.  I am so thankful you share my love for books.  I hope you will always love to read.  You also share your daddy's love for figuring things out.  Every new thing you receive you inspect.  It's so funny to see you turn over your car or your chair just to see what is going on underneath it.  I just smile to myself and think that you are going to be a force to be reckoned with.  I can't wait until you can fit in your first pair of coveralls and start helping your daddy fix his cars up and taking them to shows! Hopefully, you will be willing to let Baby Bear at least help wash the car and toddle along behind you!

I am continually amazed at how loving you are to your Baby Bear.  It doesn't take any coercing for you just to run and snuggle up and kiss my belly.  Your latest thing is playing peek-a-boo with Baby Bear while you brush your teeth.  Sometimes you play more peek-a-boo then you do brush your teeth but I make sure your teeth get brushed and you have fun so it works.

It is getting a little harder to sit and have you plop down on my lap so I can read you stories.  My belly is starting to really get out there and sometimes when you just come over and plop down we have to readjust to make all three of us comfortable.  I promise that no matter how much we have to readjust over the next few months that you will always be able to plop down in my lap so we can read stories. 

We are going to begin the process of taking your binky away.  I know how attached you are to it.  It's been a close companion for 17 months but I fear if we wait any longer it will only get worse.  You're doing great with it at school now that you are in your new class.  You don't ask for it or care about it at all until nap time.  Ms. Danielle is starting to work with you on that part.  I figure with a tag-team attempt we'll get it within the next two weeks or so.  I haven't decided if I'm going to snip the tip or not.  I am just trying to make it happen with as little trauma as possible.  But, it has to be done.  This is one of those Mommy-Daddy moments we don't enjoy having to do but it's necessary. Just remember, we love you.

When I found out I was pregnant with Baby Bear I was scared how I could manage to love two kiddos with the same amount of love I have for you alone.  Then as you grow and get older my love for you grows every day and the space in my heart continues to expand.  I'm not worried about loving you both anymore.  So, thank you Little Bear, for showing me that I can love you both. I can love you equally.  I will love you both with my whole heart. I will make sure you never feel as if you are getting less love.  You are my Little Bear. You have taught me so much over the last (almost) 17 months.  I only hope I can continue to teach you as you are teaching me.

I love you Little Bear.
Forever & Always,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,

There is so much running through my mind right now that I want to tell you so you will remember it forever.  There are big changes coming your way in a few months with Baby Bear coming into to picture "officially".  I want you to know my love for you is not going to change.  You are my first baby.  You are the first one that made me realize how expansive my heart can actually be.  You've made me realize that I am capable of loving and tending to another human being.  That it's okay to mess up every once in a while because we are constantly learning.  Both you and I.  You've help me see the world with a child like innocence that I lost years ago.  The joy you find in the smallest things sometimes overwhelms me and brings me to tears.  I find myself missing you throughout the day and still, after 16 months, running into the doors at daycare just to swoop you up and hug you tight.  I cherish every single hug and kiss from you because I know you won't always want to hug and kiss me.  Sometimes you get frustrated at me because I hug you a little longer then you want but know it's because I want to cherish every second I have with you.  It all goes by too quickly and I want to hold on to these moments forever. 
I can already tell you are going to be an amazing big sister.  You kiss my belly without question.  You cuddle up to my belly and snuggle in close.  It's almost as if you sense that your brother or sister is in there.  You've even tried to brush Baby Bear's teeth.  I can only imagine the things you are going to teach Baby Bear.  Some of them good and some of them mischievous. 
You have such a sweet spirit about you.  You love to explore.  You are such a strong willed child and to be honest I hope you keep that strong will.  It might be a little challenging as the years go on but a strong will is not a bad thing to have.  I hope nobody ever breaks you will, Little Bear.  You are becoming more and more aware of the things going on around you.  You even know when we get on the road "school" is on.  You love school and playing with your friends.  I love to see the excitement on your face when you see that big building out the window.  It makes me just as excited as you when we pull in.  Seeing your face light up when your daddy gets home is priceless as well.  I've always been excited to see your daddy walk through the door but seeing it from your perspective puts a whole new spin on it.  You've learned the opening of the garage and the hum of his diesel engine.  You know the shutting of the car door and the squeak of the kitchen door.  Your eyes light up like it's Christmas morning. Every. Single. Time. It makes my heart smile.  I can't even imagine how quickly it melts your daddy's heart as you run to greet him with open arms.  He loves you more then you'll ever know, Little Bear.  You've changed us both.  We are better people since we've been blessed with you. 
Even as I type this my eyes fill up with tears.  The over emotion of growing another blessing inside me on top of how much love I have for you sometimes overwhelms me and I just have to stop and remember to breathe. 
The next few months, I'm going to be tired and I'm going to get bigger.  I'm not going to be able to play as long outside as I can now.  I might even have to sit down after running after you.  Just know. I will always play with you. I will always be sitting there watching you in amazement.  I will do my very best to still fly you around in my arms and "drop" you on the couch to steal tickles and kisses.  I promise to keep my pregancy hormones in check when both of us are getting frustrated and start to cry.  I promise to snuggle and hug you anyway I can when my belly is the size of a giant watermelon.  I promise to continue to tuck you in at night even if Daddy has to be the one to place you in your crib because I can't lean over it anymore.  Even when Baby Bear comes we will still say your night night prayers and read a story.  I will still tell you how much we love you and you will still say "night night Backyard" as we close the blinds for the night.  A lot of things will change in our house but I promise that we will still have our time.  I made that promise to you when you were in my belly and I make it again.  Baby Bear is not replacing you.  Baby Bear is coming to be with you.  We will still be a family.  We will just be a family of four. 

I love you to the moon and back.
Forever & Always,
Mommy


. 

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,

Wow, kiddo! You are just taking off!  Since Saturday your 3 usual words have seemed to disappear after the verbal floodgates came crashing down!  You are talking nonstop now and your daddy and I love it! Your BFF Matilda was saying "that" (dat) yesterday and you came home saying it.  You two are hilarious! I hope you will continue to be friends for a long time!
You are walking all over the place and actually prefer it to crawling now.  You try to run but sometimes your head tries to get there before your legs and you topple over!  You've also started climbing.  Basically anything you can get a leg up on is fair game.  The dishwasher is a favorite of yours, the stool that (was) in your room, a chair, your rocking cow.  It's pretty funny to watch but I'm getting anxious for that first official tumble. 
You know a lot of your body parts now.  Your "belly, belly", your feet, ears & eyes.  We are still working on your nose.  You know what I'm asking for when I ask for specific items like shoes (and you can almost put them on by yourself, velcro and all!), socks, diaper, coat, gorilla, baby, ball, book, etc.  You know the other kids in your class and point to them when I ask you where they are. 
You are about 23-24 lbs now and still just under 30 inches long.  Just about ready for that new carseat but luckily you are still rear facing and will be until it's not comfortable for you.  What can I say? Mommy is a bit of a worry wart!
My sweet girl, you are such an amazing part of our lives.  We are thankful for you every single day.  The Lord truly blessed us when he allowed us to be vessels for his miracle that is you. 

Love Always & Forever,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
This weekend was an exhausting and exciting blur.  Sunday after church we were able to slow down just a little while.  Your daddy was helping Grandpa and it was just the two of us.  You played while I ate lunch and then I was thankful when you got sleepy because I'd wanted a true Teagan cuddle all weekend.  Usually when you nap I will put in a movie or something but not this time.  We laid back on the couch and you cuddled up into the nape of my neck like you have always done.  I rubbed your back and you tugged my ear and you quickly fell asleep.  I spent a little time thinking about the last year.  Thinking of the anticipation I felt after your due date came and went.  The exhilaration and strength I felt when the contractions started.  The fightening feeling when I found out I would have to have a c-section.  The pure joy I felt to my core when Dr. James lifted you above that awful blue curtain, I saw your face and I heard you cry for the first time.  I remember my first real scare when they said you were losing more weight then you should and they kept us an extra day.  I remember getting ready to go home  and laughing because we didn't have any proper fitting clothes because they said you'd be bigger then you were.  I remember laughing when after my milk came in you gained 13 ounces in a week and they were definitely not worried about your weight anymore! Over those first few weeks you taught me so much.  Unconditional love, patience, a longing to meet your needs before mine even crossed my mind.  Your daddy was amazing during this time.  It's like a switch flipped on and he was instantly transformed into super dad.  You showed me how to love your Daddy in a whole new way.  Through this last year I feel like I have grown a lot with you.  In the past there were times when things would get tough or frustrating and I would run.  There have been a lot of tough and frustrating moments this first year but it never crossed my mind to leave or run away.  Looking back Little Bear you have helped make me a better and stronger woman.  Over the past year I have grown to appreciate the little things.  Like your first smile, laugh or attempts to roll over.  Even as I type the words "appreciate the little things" I laugh.  Because honestly, those weren't little things.  Those were big exciting things and you amaze me with new big exciting things every day.  Sometimes there are days I can just give you every second of my attention gladly and other days that go by in a blur and I feel like I haven't seen you enough to give you all the kisses and hugs I wanted to.
This letter could go on for pages and pages.  Single spaced with no line skipping.  So, I'll end it.  I only hope that you will remember that even on those blurry days that I love you with a love so pure and unconditional.  I love you to the moon and back Little Bear.
I am excited and anxious to see what toddlerhood brings us.

Love you Forever and Always,
Mommy

11 months

Dearest Teagan,
So much has gone on this last month Little Bear.  So much that I am almost at a loss for words to type.  I grow anxious and excited for this next month because you will soon turn 1.  As I type those words a lump rises in my throat and my eyes are glassy with tears.  These last 11 months have been beautiful and hard all at the same time.  You've made life a healthy challenge and your daddy and I love you so much for that.  You've been a fairly easy baby to be quite honest.  This last month your independence is starting to really develop and flourish.  More often then not I welcome your new found independence and other times I ache with a longing for the days where you needed me more.  Where your daddy and I were your whole world.  The growing up process is something I am going to have to get used to for the rest of your life and I promise to allow you room to do so.  I might hover a little more then you'd like but I promise not to smother you.
You're crawling at Olympic speed and you've tackled the stairs on more then on occasion.  You cruise at ease and stand for minutes at a time. You got a tricycle from your Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas and you like to push it around the house walking behind it.  Bascially once you take those first independent steps you will be a force to be reckoned with.  I can only imagine how fun you are going to be (as if it's possible to be more fun then you are now)! We introduced sign language a few months ago and you can sign "more" and "all done" but only when you want to.  You have a different wave for "hi" and "bye" and you've started pointing to what you want while trying to say it at the same time.  You say "Dada" and "Mama" sometimes on purpose and sometimes I think you just like to say them.  Either way those words will forever be music to our ears.  We are starting the official "weaning" process after the new year starts and I'm curious as to how it's going to go.  We've introduced the whole milk because you've proven to have no allergies so far (thank the Lord) but you're still kind of hesitant about the taste just yet so I'm glad we've started the introduction now.  You have been off of the whole one bottle you took at daycare for a little over 2mths and drink from your sippy cup like a champ, no matter what kind.  You've been moved up, luckily along with your daycare bffs Matilda and Cooper, at "school" and are having kind of a hard time adjusting.  I guess when your first set of teachers set the bar so high it's hard for others to get to their level.  I hope that once the holidays are over and you're back to a normal schedule it will be easier for you Little Bear.  I hate to leave you crying...
You've started actually wanting to feed yourself off of my plate as opposed to just being able to feed yourself off of my plate.  You can also feed yourself with a spoon with a little guidance in getting enough food on the spoon to actually eat.  You just continue to amaze me with the things you can do. 
The next "month" post I write will be for your first birthday, Little Bear.  Even though I know it's coming.  Even though I tear up at the thought of my baby girl not being a baby anymore.  I cannot wait to see what this next year is going to bring up. 
Your daddy and I love you very much Little Bear.  Don't you ever forget that.

Love Forever & Always,
Mommy

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
Well, kiddo, you turned 10 months 2 days before Thanksgiving. I've been waiting on "that month" where everything changes, where you grow more, learn more and do more. You've been pretty steady in your progression and development.  You've not really had any "BAM, all of a sudden" moments since you've been born.  Sure you've hit a growth spurt or two (not many more then two) but you've just been a steady above average developer.  Well, Little Bear, month 9 was a doozy! You hit the ground running and haven't really stopped!  About a week into your 9th month you decided that creeping, or "lazy crawling" as your daddy and I call it, wasn't enough and you realized you could go faster if you actually used your legs to crawl.  You decided that just standing up wasn't fun enough so you started to cruise on basically everything.  In the recent days you stood up from squat position to standing and stood frozen for a few seconds, you've also stood for lots of seconds by yourself after mommy lets you go while you're standing.  You have attempted the stairs a few times but your legs are still a little short and you can't quite get over the first one.  I have a feeling once you figure that out the baby gate will immediately have to go up.  There will be no stopping you at that point.  A few of your favorite things are cabinet doors, the oven drawer and the drawers to your dresser.  Your love of the oven drawer made it difficult on Thanksgiving when I was trying to cook the turkey and you wanted in your drawer.  Your daddy did a pretty good job keeping you out of the kitchen but sometimes you were so insistent and determined that you would slip by and then  yell at me and give me mean looks when I took you out of the kitchen.  Thanksgiving went pretty good.  You visited with everybody but refused to take a nap.  Well, refused until it was time to sit down and actually eat.  Silly Bear.  You went and had your first sleepover with Miles David the Friday after Thanksgiving.  You did great! You two were adorable playing together and your Aunt Jeana and I vowed to have more sleepovers and playdates for you two.  We all went together to get our Christmas trees and you two were troopers in the cold and when your parents needed pictures of you in your Santa hats... 
You have started to sprout your first two teeth. I've been anxious in waiting on these boogers.  Wondering when they would come, how much pain you would be in and what I would do when they started to come in.  They haven't quite broken through yet and you've taken it like a trooper.  You haven't been especially fussy or out of the ordinary.  A few runnier then usual diapers ( I know you'll think TMI, mom, when you read this) but no other real signs other then pearly whites showing through and drool. A lot of drool.
Little Bear, I anxiously wait for Christmas with a new excitement this year.  I've been pretty apathetic for the last few year in regards to any holiday.  I really could have cared less about my birthday to be honest.  This year I am excited for everything.  I even started decorating and listening to Christmas music in November.  Something I have NEVER done. My entire life.  You've brought the twinkle back to my eyes and the warmth back into my heart.  I am excited to see these holidays through your eyes.  I anticipate I will be more excited about your holidays then you will be for at least a year or two but I am okay with that.  I will willingly be the bringer of excitement with your daddy right beside me.  Even he has an extra sparkle this year Little Bear.  He even put icicle lights up on the house just for you this year! You've brought us more joy in 10 months then you will ever know.  You never cease to make us happier then we've ever been.  You were what we were thankful for at Thanksgiving and I can't wait to share Christmas with you. 

I love you with all my heart.  I love you to the moon and back.  I love you as deep as the sea and as high as the sky. 

Love Forever and Always,
Mommy

Bittersweet

The Bitter.
Today was the last day I will feed Teagan at lunch.  Today I was told Teagan will move up at daycare to the older baby class.  Today I cried a little as Teagan nursed.  Today I snuggled her extra tight as she gave me sleepy "lovin'" after she nursed. Today I walked slower to take her back to her room.  Today I took extra care and tucked her in more carefully when I put her in her crib at daycare.  Today I cried when I got into the car.  Today I missed my baby girl so bad it hurt. 

The Sweet.
Today we started the process of weaning Teagan because she is becoming a big girl.  Today I was told Teagan will move up to the older baby class with her two best school friends, Matilda and Cooper.  Today I smiled as Teagan nursed because I am amazed at how she is growing and how incredible she is.  Today I snuggled Teagan extra tight because I love her more then she'll ever know and she shows me how much she loves me by giving me "lovin" back and snuggling up tight.  Today I put a finally sleepy Teagan in her crib because she would really rather play then nap.  Today I smiled as I walked down the hall and got into my car.  Today I realized I don't have a baby girl anymore.  Today I am thankful that Teagan is healthy and happy and growing up to be a sweet Little Bear. 

Wordless Wednesday

Photo Shoot with Jonathan O'Brien

Let me just tell you how incredible Jonathan O'Brien is....we did a family shoot with him on October 30th and he did a great job.   The time with him flew by much too quickly (we will probably schedule him all day next time) and he was great with Teagan which was quite important if we were going to get good shots.  Since my new sponsor, Tiny Prints, has offered Christmas cards to us we decided to use some of the shots from the shoot with Jonathan.  He was kind enough to send a few shots our way so I could use them on the Christmas cards.  Here are a few of the photos he sent my way....

*Caution...the blue eyes you are about to see will make you smile uncontrollably and feel a sense of sweet calmness* 

*the dress Teagan is wearing in the above pictures is from Miskabelly the online vintage store. AMAZING. Go there. You won't regret it.*

Replacement.

Has your heart ever hurt when your child reaches out for somebody else when they're in your arms? Have you ever felt replaced by a babysitter, daycare worker, teacher, grandparent or spouse?  Does it hurt? It kind of kills me inside.
Teagan has started wanting her independence.  From me.  She has started reaching for her teachers at school (who are incredible by the way).  She has started reaching for her daddy (which usually puts a smile on my face).  She has started reaching while she is in my arms.  She has started reaching away.  As I write this my eyes are filled to the brim with tears but I'm willing them to hold the flood gates closed.  I know she is only 9 months old and she is exploring and gaining her independence.  I know I should feel comforted by the idea that she trusts these other people enough to leave the safety of my arms and go into theirs.  I am usually comforted by this idea but today I'm not.  Today it hurts.  Maybe it's the rain.  Maybe it's the fact that I can already feel her pulling away and growing up.  Either way. I hurt today. 

Sweet breaths...

Dearest Teagan,

I check on you at least a dozen times between 8-10:30 at night. Every time I come in there to check on you I lay my hand on your back or on your chest (depending on how you're sleeping) to check and make sure you are still breathing. Every time I place my hand on you I feel a sweet deep breath. It's almost as if you're breathing for me to let me know you're okay. Please continue to do this because it will be a very long time before I don't check on you a dozen times a night.

Love Forever & Always,
Mommy

My dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
Today has been a wonderful day and it's not even noon! You woke up this morning cooing and talking and in such a good mood. Your daddy had to leave to help Grandma with farm chores and so you and I cuddled in bed for 45 minutes before we decided to actually get up. After you'd had your breakfast (pears, yummy!) and we got dressed we headed to the Farmer's Market. On the way the thrift store we've tried to go into on several occasions was finally open and so we went in! We got you a lot of goodies for the shelves that will eventually be in your room! Mommy has recently had a really good idea about something for your room but I have to talk it over with your daddy first. Let's just say it has to do with a tree, a few owls and a bear. Anyway, we went to the farmers market but sadly there were no flowers this morning and we didn't really need anything else so we headed back home. Not before Mommy got an iced coffee as a treat to beat the heat that crept up while we were out! When we got back you nursed, Mommy changed clothes and we hit the couch. So far this next part has been the favorite part of the day so far.
When I laid you on my chest you just gazed at me for the longest time. It's almost like you could see exactly what I was thinking; straight to my soul. I was thinking how I've never loved somebody so much in my life like I love you. A mother's love surpasses any bad that could ever be in the world and in that moment there was no bad. Anywhere. Your head moved from side to side as I rubbed your face but you never broke the gaze. All of a sudden your hand started to explore my face; as if trying to memorize it. You moved from my forehead to my eyes to my nose to my mouth and then your hand eventually landed on my cheek. Your hand rested there for about two minutes until your eyes started to roll and close and you gave me that "I have no idea I'm doing this because I'm so sleepy" smile and drifted off to sleep. Your hand never moved from my cheek until you fell into a deep and restful sleep.
As I type this I stare at you and not the screen. You are my inspiration baby girl. You make me want to make the world a better place. You make me want to make the word a safer place. Because someday you'll have a baby on your chest thinking the exact same thing. I want to ensure that it's possible for you. So, my dearest Teagan. I vow to do the very best I can to teach you to be kind and good so that you can make a positive mark on the world one day.

I love you.
Forever and Always,
Mommy