The birth story.

If the way our kiddos come into the world is any indication of their teenage years then we are in serious trouble...

We were scheduled for another c-section on October 27 at 9:30 am.  I dropped Teagan off after "school" on Wednesday, the night before, with Josh's parents so we could prepare and I could get some rest before the surgery the next day.  I'd had about 3 random contractions, real ones, later Wednesday afternoon but figured nothing would come of them and assumed I would be going in the next morning to see Dr. J and have this baby.  Dropping Teagan off was hard and of course I cried all the way home but I found comfort in knowing she was with her Grandma and in very capable hands. 
When I got home I walked in to a hubby that didn't feel good so neither of us wanted to cook.  We ran out and picked something up and settled in for the night.  Around 7:30pm I started having some mild contractions but again, thought nothing of them, and so Josh went to bed around 8ish.  I stayed up and breathed through the contractions until around 9 when I decided to go and take a shower, straighten my hair (yes, I wanted decent hair for delivery) and then go to bed.  Well, I got my shower done and the hair done but when it came time to go to bed my contractions weren't having it.  So, I went downstairs and bounced and watched TV (CSI) and breathed through my contractions.  They were getting so strong and so frequent that I started timing them.  I was texting with my friend Meghan (who at the time happened to be in labor too!) and working through the contractions when Josh came down to check on me.  By then it was around 11pm and I decided it was time to call the nurse on call because holy cow WE WERE IN LABOR!!  I was putting last minute things in the suitcase when the nurse called back.  By then the contractions were every 5-8 minutes apart and anywhere from 45 seconds to 1min and 30 seconds.  Yes people, when I labor I labor fast and furiously.  The nurse told us to come on in, especially when she found out I was a VBAC and so come on in we did! 
I was different with these contractions compared to with Teagan.  With Teagan I was a cave woman who would have scared off a ferocious predator but with Baby BearI was calmer and my breathing was a lot better.  We got to the hospital (laboring in the car SUCKS by the way) and of course came in the wrong entrance and got turned around a few times.  Finally we found the front and Josh dropped me off at the front desk (where I was supposed to be in 6 hrs) and then went to park.  Watching people's faces while I stood there at my wheelchair breathing through contractions was priceless.  The man at the desk kept asking if I was sure I wanted to wait on Josh because he could wheel me up right then.  I politely told him I was okay and just wanted to wait on my husband I wasn't having the baby right yet.  The woman at the desk told him to "Shut up, she's concentrating and doesn't need to hear you right now".  Let's just say when Josh got in the lady was the one who wheeled me upstairs, not the man.  It was a pleasant ride. She was a very sweet lady and we chatted all the way up to the 8th floor, in between contractions that is.
Finally, we got checked in, got a room and I put on that lovely hospital gown.  I was actually in a good mood for a woman in labor. I just knew we were going to have this baby the old fashion way! How could I not be in a good mood?!?  I had one nurse who actually told me I was one of the most pleasant pregnant women in labor she'd ever had.  When they checked me I was at 5 1/2-6cm dilated (that would be 5-6 in 4 hrs) which was crazy because I'd been at 0 at my last check up.  It was around 12ish when they checked me.  They hooked me up to the monitors and I had to stay on the dreaded bed which was the last thing I wanted to do.  I couldn't stand and rock and work through the contractions like I'd been able to do at home and they were coming a lot harder and a lot faster.  I could definitely see the appeal of a birthing center or home at that point.  Eventually the doc came in to check on me and I was at 8 1/2cm.  Let me just tell you, that "transition phase" was HELL but I was determined to rock it out.  It was harder laboring when I was confined to the bed.  But it was worth it knowing Baby Bear's heartbeat stayed steady and she was strong.  Dr. P said we needed the babies head to come down a little further or it was going to be around 2 hrs of hard pushing.  Unfortunately as soon as he left I felt the need to push which is something we didn't want just yet because Baby Bear needed to drop down more.  The pain and urge to push intensified by 20 and started getting the best of me.  I lost my train of concentration and couldn't come back to it.  I looked at Josh in the middle of a contraction with wide eyes.  Then it was over I told him I felt like I'd rocked it, we were still going to have a VBAC but I was going to concede and get the epidural if we could make it. He asked me if I was absolutely sure because he knew how bad I wanted to go completely natural and I told him I was sure.  There was slight chaos after that because I didn't know if we were going to make it waiting on the anesthesiologist because he was in the OR and it took him 5-10 minutes to get there.  Thankfully he got there in time.  After the epidural it did get easier, obviously because I was numb.  I watched the monitor in amazement because my contractions were above the top level and it wasn't painful anymore just slightly uncomfortable.  I don't regret getting the epidural and I am very proud I got as far as I did. 
My parents came in for a few minutes after that and stayed for a little while. It was great knowing they were there and just right down the hall.  Josh was able to get some much needed rest and I laid there watching the monitor and Man vs. Food.  I couldn't sleep more then 20 minutes at a time because I was numb and that was just weird to me.  When the nurse, Jody, and Dr. P came in around 6ish he checked me and decided Baby Bear's head was far enough down.   He broke my water and told me I'd be pushing in a few minutes and we'd have a baby within the hour! Oh mercy, did my adrenaline start pumping then!! Nurse Jody was an amazing coach.  She talked me through how to push and she really helped me focus.  They got out the mirror for me so I could see ( I do better when I can actually SEE what I'm doing) and I don't regret that at all! It was amazing seeing Baby Bear's head! I even got to touch Baby Bear's head! Finally at 7:11am on October 27th, Kyra Mae was born via a successful VBAC.  The doctor congratulated us on our sweet baby girl!  It was an amazing feeling.  God is so good.  It was everything I thought it would be an more.  They laid her on my chest as soon as she came out and then within 45 minutes I was able to nurse her for the first time.  I felt like wonder woman. 

Peace.

I have been acting like a spoiled teenage brat.  Thankfully coffee and prayers with a good friend made me realize that last night. Not a moment too soon. 
I have been complaining about my anxiety of another c-section because things weren't going to go exactly how I wanted. I am allowed disappointment but I should not be acting in the way I have been.  I have been ungrateful and a brat. 
Last night I prayerfully went to God asking for forgiveness for the lack of faith I'd had in him in regards to this last 9 plus months.  I have been looking at the possibility (and soon reality) of a c-section as punishment instead of protection.  The Lord is not not giving me what I want because he is being mean and punishing me.  He is doing it for my protection.  There is some reason I am not able to have a VBAC and I have finally come to terms with it.  I have found peace and I am so thankful that I am loved by a God who is as patient as mine. 
By this time tomorrow I will be seeing a sweet baby being lifted over a blue curtain and hearing that sweet first cry.  And I will find myself falling in love all over again.

There is an end in sight...

I know I should be excited about Thursday and I AM but I will also have a slight sense of disappointment if we make it to Thursday.  We have a scheduled c-section for Thursday morning.  I will finally be holding the sweet babe that has been in my belly for more then 9 months in my arms.  For that I am beyond ecstatic and couldn't be happier. 
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever.  A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family.  I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me.  Selfish or not I can't help it.  I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality.  I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies.  It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body. 
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly.  I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them.  With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited.  After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor.  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break.  Nothing else happened.  So, of course I woke up this morning defeated.  I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital.  Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this.  I have had a healthy pregnancy.  We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what.  I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away.  I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.         

Anxiety

Lately I've become anxious about how Baby Bear is going to come into this world. 
Ever since I had my unplanned c-section with Teagan I have vowed to have a VBAC with my next one.  Now as the due date has approached I wonder if it's just a far fetched dream?  Satan really got into my head yesterday and rocked my world.  I am so thankful for a God who blessed me with a husband and friends who could talk me down from the proverbial ledge. 
When I found out I had to have a c-section with Teagan I was just ready to have her in my arms.  The disappointment of not being able to "have her" was not instantaneous, it came when I got pregnant again.  It brought out the "what if I just can't deliver a baby" questions.  There have been many times during this pregnancy when I have felt like it wasn't going to happen how I wanted.  The there have been times where I felt to my core that I am going to rock a VBAC (if I go into labor that is).
Right now I'm in the in between state of mind.  I want this baby to come out healthy.  I believe I can rock a VBAC but I have my anxieties about it.  I still carry the "she's too big" statements in my head I heard with Teagan.  They claim this baby is smaller then Teagan but what if Baby Bear isn't small enough?  I keep imagining the size of my pelvis and birth canal vs. Baby Bear and wonder How?  I was so confident with the idea of labor/delivery with Teagan but my view has been somewhat tainted since then. 
I will hold on prayerfully until the morning I get rolled into the OR with Josh at my side that I can have my wish of a VBAC.  After that I will be prayerful and thankful we have a happy and healthy baby and mommy.  In the end that is all really matters anyway...

Caution: mental picture

So, I am thankful to have a friend whose due date is the day before mine.  We've been able to joyfully complain to each other the last week or so.  At least 4-5 times a day. Her hubs sent her a funny picture and she wanted to share it with me. I laughed to the point I almost pee'd my pants...key word ALMOST.  Even though it's not a stretch to believe it could've really happened at this point.... 

Goal: VBAC. The successful kind.

I don't make it a secret that I had a C-section with Teagan.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  I had an incredibly successful c-section that I recovered marvelously from. Dr. James totally rocked it.  Was it my ideal way to bring our sweet girl into the world? No. Was it necessary? My doctor thought so and I trust my doctor.  We trust my doctors.  The ultimate goal of healthy baby/healthy mommy was met and that is what counts.
This go 'round we are aiming for a VBAC.  The doctors, Josh and I have discussed it and they are all for it as long as this baby is under 8 lbs (even though I have one doc who thinks Baby Bear is going to be a giant).  Also, the fact that I didn't develop gestational diabetes this time is playing in our favor. 
Honestly, I am starting to get a little nervous.  The nervous that started sneaking up around this time with Teagan. The HOLY COW THIS BABY HAS TO COME OUT nervous!!!  When I went into labor with Teagan the thought of a c-section hadn't really crossed my mind.  I did a lot of laboring at home and by the time we got to the hospital I was at 7cm and still going strong.  They say the second baby comes faster and there is a lot to consider with a VBAC so basically at the sign of real labor this time we'll need to head to the hospital.  This stirs a mixture of feelings through me.  I know why I need to get to the hospital quickly and we will but I am anxious about it.  I know the second we get into the room they are going to start hooking me up to everything under the sun to make sure things are going smoothly.  I get that. I really do. Am I excited about it? No. I don't want to be hooked up to a lot of things. I want to be free to labor in my "froggy" position like I did so well with Teagan and I want to be able to walk and shower and do it my way.  I am fearful it won't happen that way because of all the precautions that have to be taken.  Then there is still the possibility of a c-section that will linger until we go into labor.  We will have an ultrasound when I am 36 weeks to see what the size of Baby Bear is estimated to be and then a decision about the c-section will be made.  Until then we are going forward with the VBAC plan. 
Right now, as much as I want a VBAC, I am determined to stay open minded about the whole situation.  Josh and I have discussed it and obviously we are only concerned with the healthy baby/healthy mommy outcome no matter how we get there.