Where did you get your funny?

Oh Kyra Mae, 

I have no idea where you got your funny from. You are all or nothing. You are meltdown or funny face. You fight hard but you love harder. You have me wrapped. You are smart like your daddy and emotional like me. We've decided this has potential to be a dangerous combination. You have super curly hair that is rarely tamed and in the humidity, Shirley Temple has nothing on you. You love reading and puzzles and snuggling. You have grabbed on to the role of the youngest and played it well. You love your sister with a fierceness that I pity anybody who dare breaks her heart. Hell hath no fury like a Teagan with a Kyra Mae as her sister.  You dance to your own beat but you have two left feet and are our constantly bruised and beat up kid. You are passionate. You know what you want and typically will stop at nothing to get it.  You bring such laughter to our lives. I even have to watch myself when you are doing things you know you shouldn't because it's often funny. You love hugs and kisses and you love to be tickled. You despise having to go try and potty if you don't have to go right that second. You always come home with a sandbox of sand in your hair on pretty days. You share the brightness in your eyes that Teagan has. You are barely one size away from her in clothes because you are physically your daddy made over and are taller than some of the kids in her class. People rarely believe me when I tell them you are merely 3.  Our relationship had a rocky start. I feel like I've spent a lot of time making up for the bonding I feel like I deprived you of in the first year. I think I'm partly at fault for feeding into your youngest child mentality. I admit to babying you some. I admit to doing things for you because it's just a little bit easier that way. You get very upset if you don't do things right immediately and if it doesn't work the first time you get yourself worked into a tizzy. This has been a tough one for your daddy and I. We recognize the frustration and sometimes we are really good at cultivating persistence and perseverance with you during those hard times and sometimes we are terrible at it. We aim for more good at than bad at. I just ask that you be patient with us. I pray that you know how much we love you. I pray that in those times of frustration that we are able to show each other Jesus and grace, oh, so much grace. 

We love you. Forever and always. 

Instagram. How I love me some Instagram.

I have a very nice camera.  One that I should use far more often than I do.  I did use it....before I got my iPhone.  Now, it's collecting dust (which is something I will be remedying soon hopefully) because I love me some Instagram.  Here's some of my favorites from the last few weeks.

Sweet, sweet girl. 

She made cupcakes. 

Pigtails and dump trucks. 

In the bathroom at UNCC. Loved this. 

Picnic! 

She wanted to play dress up. Pants on head. Skirt over PJs. 

Planning for the week. 2 Paper calendars and a phone. 

Using the flavored sticks from the doctor's office as a phone. 

Reading her "babies" a book. 

Last day of class as an MSW!!

Welcoming an old friend, George my Alto Sax, back into my life!

We decorated my cap.  The girls helped!

Flower girls. Lowes. 

Graduation Day! MSW! 2013!

She's all about "cars" right now.  Anything that has wheels and moves. 

Sweet girls. Sweet ride. 

Mother's Day 2013

18 months.

This one.  She hit the 18 month mark last weekend.  She's talking up a storm, sporting pigtails, and her favorite word is no.  She does like to say Mommy, Daddy, Teagee, Papaw, and bubbles.  She signs really well and picks up new words very easily.  She has a fierce independence, something she has had since she left the womb.  She loves applesauce and meat.  She is in the 50th percentile height and weight.  She's almost got all of her teeth and those stinkin' molars won't let her alone.  Her tantrums are unlike any I have ever seen.  They are powerful and dramatic and sometimes I just have to laugh.  Tantrums are coming more frequently here lately but only because she gets frustrated when we don't understand her immediately or she has to stop doing something she was enjoying.  She loves being outside.  She loves playing with baby dolls.  She loves reading books.  She has a new found affinity for Elmo.

My sweet Kyra Mae has been a challenge.  A test of patience.  A test of motherhood.  I am grateful for it.  I've talked in the past that I tend to run from hard things.  I haven't ran from Kyra.  In fact, I've done quite the opposite. I run to her.  I will continue to run to her no matter how hard it gets.  I love her and she has taught me more in the last 18 months than I could even have imagined.     

Things that make me smile.

These two. Yes.

Dearest Kyra Mae

Dearest Baby Bear,
Oh my mercy how you're taking off!! In the last seven days you have cut two teeth, started zooming around going forward and you're pulling up in your crib dancing around until somebody gets you!
Your daddy and I were talking about how adventurous you are and how you are going to get into everything! haha! You are such a "chill" baby but when you have your eyes set on something you go for it with all you have.  Like the other morning, I was helping Teagan put one of her shoes on while you were on our bed.  Something told me to turn around and as I did you smiled a gummy smile and decided you were going to come join us on the floor whether it was by my hands or your free-fall was up for debate for a few seconds.  Thankfully my reflexes have gotten quicker with age and children instead of the opposite.  You joined us by my hands and not by a free-fall.  Oh my, sweet baby, oh my.
The nights when I put you to bed are something I cherish.  You've never been one to cuddle unless something is wrong.  You want to just be put down when you're tired and so I don't get a lot of time to just pull you close and snuggle you.  While you are sleepy and taking your bottle at night is an opportunity I take full advantage of.  I kiss your sleepy head and rub your sweet cheeks.  I talk to you and sing to you and pray for you, which is perhaps the most important of the three.  I pray for you my sweet baby.  I pray you know how much I love you, I pray to love you even more, I pray for our bond to grow stronger every day.  I pray I am giving you enough attention and even when I don't get it all right that you would know how hard I am trying and how much I love you.  I pray your heart will grow closer to the Lord with each passing day.  I pray for your future and that you will have the strength and courage to take leaps of faith with no questions asked.
Sweet Baby, you have added so much to our lives.  Teagan loves you right now possibly more than you will ever know.  She cares for you and always wants you to smile.  She tries her hardest to be a good big sister and I think she's doing a pretty good job.  She's learning.  Thank you for being patient with her.  I really believe you feel she is doing the things she does out of love for you.  I pray you and her continue to have a good relationship.  I pray you can and will be friends.  Forever friends.
I love you my sweet Baby Bear. So much.

Forever & Always,
Mommy

Where does the time go?

Time flies.  There is so much to take in with each passing minute that I am just trying to be in that minute.  I grumbled the other night because Kyra was doing her usual 9:00pm stirring and Josh simply said "it won't last much longer" as I ran up the stairs to give her back her paci she'd lost in the night.  That comment hit my like a ton of bricks.  We are four months from having two toddlers.  Where have the last 8 months gone?  Where have the last 2 and a half years gone?  I struggle sometimes with being in the moment and documenting it so I don't forget that it happened.  It's a task I am trying to find a middle ground with.  Hopefully that middle ground will pop out and smack me in the forehead because time is truly traveling at warp speed...Just look...

Writer's block.

I have writers block. So, I figured some cute pictures (the auto correct just suggested picots, really? what is a picot? I'm not even bothering to look it up.) to tie you all over.  Who can resist cute kids? I mean really? Especially when they are this cute...and yes, I am extremely bias.

Okay, so I remembered there is a story with this picture.  It gives me something to type at least...even when I should probably be typing other things. Anyway, when I was taking this picture Teagan had been kissing the mirror.  I didn't catch her in the act with a camera but I was laughing so hard I really almost pee'd my britches.  I had put her hair in a ponytail and then added the spiral pink and orange hair tie thing and after I said she looked beautiful she started kissing herself in the mirror.  I just watched her wondering who in the world had come and inhabited my child?  Honestly, I always hope she loves herself this much.  Not in a narcissistic way but in a "I am beautifully and wonderfully made" way.  I pray self-confidence continues to ooze (ooze, really?) out of her pores.

And there isn't really a story about the picture of Kyra Mae.  Other than I cannot get over how fast she is growing.  It just feels like a wind rushed through an open window and blew my calendar pages all over the place.  So quickly time is passing by and I feel like I am not capturing it like I should.  I pray daily that sweet Kyra Mae knows how much I love her.  That I pray for her every night while I'm rocking her and feeding her and as I lay her down to sleep.  I pray she knows just because she has to share me it doesn't mean I love her any less.  She is such an amazingly sweet baby, so calm but so adventurous already.  I pray she knows how hard I love her.  How hard I will always love her.  

A little Kyra Mae.

See, I wasn't joking when I said her gummy smile is infectious! 

What, Mommy? 

There is just something about this picture that I can't stop looking at.  

Happy 6 months to Kyra Mae.

Kyra hit the 6 month mark on the 27th (update soon). Teagan heard us talking about Kyra's "half" birthday and of course had to sing to her!

Random Ramblings.

Recently life has started going full on.  The intensity of our lives as a family of four has been kicked up an Emeril Lagasse notch.

We have been blessed in so many ways.  The way the Lord's provision has been shown to us and those we love just blows my mind.

I watched the entire last season of One Tree Hill.  I cried my eyes out most episodes.  I'm not ashamed.

Teagan now begs for me to play Adele's "Rumor has it".  Just for the claps and the chorus.  I've created a monster.

Kyra started solids.  She was trying to karate chop the rest of us for our food.  It was time.  She's rockin' it.

My husband has grown so much in his walk with the Lord.  He called me out a week or so ago.  As a husband.  As a brother in Christ.  It was amazing and humbling and I am so thankful for him.  For the man he is.  For the man he is becoming.  For the man he will be. 

Teagan has started telling us her name is Teagan Aiza Reid when we call her anything but Teagan.  It's pretty humorous. 

Kyra is the best little raspberry blower I know.  She is giggling and squealing up a storm.  Some days I think our friend, Jeanmarie, can hear her down the road. 

I am in the middle of a ton of stuff.  Organizing the pictures, like thousands, on our external hard drive and making a photo book for the first six months of Kyra's life is on the top of that list.

I am going to start revamping my closet.  We are on a budget that surpasses strict and penny pinching.  My items will all be second hand and I'm okay with that.  I am going to pick things that compliment my mommy body and I'm going to rock it. 

I am going to take more time for the girls and Josh individually.  Last weekend I had some one on one time with Teagan and it was great.  It was good for both of us and something we needed so badly.  I hadn't had more then 45 minutes of alone time with her since Kyra was born.  Kyra and I need some uninterrupted time as well.  Just me and her playing and loving.  Josh and I need the same.  Most mornings we barely get a kiss before we're all backing out of the garage and most nights there is so much to do I think our heads spin in sync.  Making time out for each other; for us and the girls individually needs to become a priority.

I read the Hunger Games.  I broke down and read all three books.  In less then 5 days.  Yeah...I guess you were right my friends.  You were right.


This is probably going to be the format of my posts for a while.  Just so you know.  I'll be back with heartfelt and thoughtful posts soon....We're just walking up a mountain right now.  I can't wait to see what all is at the top waiting for us.

I have a bottle fed baby.

I did an update a week or so ago and included with it how Kyra was now a bottle fed baby and I sold my pump.  I said there would be an explanation.  Honestly, there isn't much of one. I've felt a flood of emotions about it.  From anger, to hurt, to bitterness, to frustration, to jealousy, to acceptance, to sucking it up and getting over it. There are times when I see other mom's feeding their baby that I feel a twinge of guilt and I have to blink back tears.  That should be me. I should be feeding Kyra that way.  I can honestly say I went down with a fight.  It was not for lack of trying by any means.  There was nothing else I could do.
We went to Kyra's four month check up and she hadn't gained enough weight.  She'd dropped below the threshold (20th percentile) and they were concerned so we decided to come back in a month.  She and I had been struggling, as I've talked about before, to the point of tears and exhaustion at every feeding.  The doctor confirmed my fears and so we started pushing the bottle more.  We made it to four and a half months of just breast milk.  But, I was so determined she wouldn't have to use formula that I was pumping to the point I made myself bleed.  Not just a little mind you, it was pretty substantial.
My friend, Meghan, called me on it.  Breastfeeding, giving Kyra breast milk was quickly becoming an idol for me.  It was all I could think about.  I was letting so much other stuff go just so I could give Kyra breast milk.  Some would call that doing the best for Kyra.  Others called me crazy.  I will admit now, and had to admit then, that I had reached that proverbial line in the sand and jumped across it. I had to decrease what I was doing because honestly, I was sacrificing too much and it wasn't worth it.  I was hurting myself physically and emotionally and sacrificing precious time WITH Kyra and Teagan and Josh.  After a little while my body gave up.  It realized it wasn't Kyra at my breast but a measly pump.  After a few weeks my milk was gone and we ran out of our freezer supply.  Now, she is a formula fed baby.   I broke out in HIVES the day I realized we would have to put her on formula.  I cried crocodile tears on the day we sold the pump.
I know she won't grow an extra arm.  I know she is going to be just as smart as her sister.  I know she is developmentally on target and growing like a weed.  Like she should.  Sometimes it still hurts though.  In the middle of the night when she can't go back to sleep; I know if I could just put her to my breast she would settle in a mere minute and fall right back to sleep.  Now, we have to give her an entire bottle before she will settle down.  I do feel pangs of guilt, like when we're at church and a mom sneaks out to feed her baby while I'm feeding Kyra with a bottle during the sermon.  I feel envious when other moms talk about their babies wanting to be at the breast all the time.  I am sure it's a little frustrating for them, but I can only wish that was me complaining.  Then there is the fact that I breastfed Teagan for an entire year.  I almost feel like I've done Kyra an injustice.  Like she isn't getting the things Teagan got because I wasn't able to do the same for her.
There are upsides that I have tried to focus on.  Teagan has fed Kyra, Josh gets to feed her more often.  We've been able to leave both girls at my parents for a night.  Feedings are good now for Kyra and I at night.  We snuggle up in the rocking chair, she buries the side of her head close to my chest and drinks the bottle while we stare at each other and I smile.  That is how a feeding should be.  That is how ours are now.  No more circus act.  No more acrobatics trying to keep her latched.  It's peaceful.  It's calm.  It's a good experience instead of a frustrating one.  It is exactly how our time should be together.

Sweet baby babbles.

Last week I shared Teagan doing her version of the diaper dance.  This week it's all about swee Kyra Mae!

Struggling.

Squatting.  Rocking.  Bouncing. Swinging. Bobbing. Trotting.

Sounds like fun right? Sounds like a description of goofing off with either Teagan or Kyra right? WRONG.  That is what a nursing session with Kyra is like.  It has been hard. It has been a struggle.  It has been frustrating.  It has been exhausting.  It has not been a satisfying experience for Kyra or I.  It has not been a bonding experience for Kyra and I.  The only "good" sessions we ever have are the ones first thing in the morning.  It goes down hill from there.  We haven't given up completely yet but I am officially a willing slave to the pump.  I nurse her in the mornings and the rest of the day she gets a bottle of half "Mommy Milk (as T calls it)" and half formula.  We had to do this with Teagan but not until she was about 10 months old.  Sadly, we've had to start supplementing now. 
It wasn't just the struggle that has us starting to supplement.  We went for her well check on Monday and she is in the 20th percentile weight wise and when they drop below 25 they start to get a little anxious.  They didn't say we had to supplement with but it's been so hard on us both that we decided to go ahead and start bottle feeding her just to make sure she was getting enough to help her gain weight. 

I can't say that this was an easy decision for us.  We've been fighting this decision for 4 months because of the struggle and frustration but I was determined to exclusively breastfeed as long as we possibly could.  Our decision to supplement vs. exclusively bottle feed with breast milk didn't come easy either.  But, both Josh and I want Kyra to have breastmilk as long as possible and just in case my milk supply starts to decrease we don't want to worry about not having any more. 

There is one of the positive of bottle feeding....

3mths

We're a few days late on this post but life with 2 is crazy!

Weight-12.1 lbs
Height-25 inches long. Yeah, you read that right. My 3mth old is 25 inches LONG!
Diapers-still in size 1

*still hates to be wet and has started a more then crazy pooping schedule (that one is for you, Manda Nan).  Her current record is 13 days with no poop. For a breastfed baby it's "normal" so, no real worries.

*loves looking at the light and at fans and all things shiny.  Her favorite thing to look at and watch is Teagan though.  She loves her big sister.

*kyra isn't much of a talker.  She has a tendency to be a quiet little observer but oh boy, when she has an opinion we all hear about it!

*even though she doesn't talk a whole lot her smiling makes up for it.  She shares those gummy smiles with us all the time.  It makes us all melt. 

*the hiccups have finally started letting up.  Now we're down to a few times a week instead a few time a day.

*loves taking baths.  She really loves playing with Teagan.  I can't imagine what she is going to be like when she can be in the real bathtub and not in the baby bath IN the big tub.

*has started rolling to her sides.  I still swaddle her at night but I have a feeling when we stop swaddling her she will be a side sleeper.

*kyra still HATES the car seat.  The ride home most days are off the chain.

*she has finally taken to her paci. THANK YOU LORD.

*she eats anywhere from 3-5 hours (usually 3) during the day.  She is sleeping 9-11 hours at night but we're hitting our first official growth spurt so there is a little break in the consistent sleeping pattern but I think we'll be back to normal soon. 

*kyra is still a champion cat napper.

*her head control gets better and better everyday.  When pulled up from a sitting position she keeps her head steady.

*nursing has had its ups and downs.  I think the whole only pooping  7-14 days plays a part.  For about 3-4 days after she poops she rocks the nursing but as we go on the feedings get worse.  I have to walk and dance around just to keep her latched.  We have a call into a lactation consultant. I will not give up without a fight.

We are continuing to adjust to our new normal.  Most days it feels like Kyra has always been in our lives.  That is how perfectly she fits into our family. 

Guilt.

Postpartum depression has a tendency to fill me with guilt.  Currently it's over Kyra not being a snuggler.  I know it's such a simple thing.  But part of me wonders if I made her not want to snuggle. Maybe she felt my frustration in the early months and figured she'd do better on her own.  Maybe I shouldn't have started swaddling her for afternoon naps so early.  Maybe I should have stayed home more so I could hold her and she wouldn't be confined to a carseat instead of being in my arms.  There are so many negatives maybes that bombard my brain and inevitably my heart. 
Today I was going to snuggle her all day.  She got shots this morning and I vowed I wouldn't even be on the computer.  I would snuggle her on the couch and play with her and do absolutely nothing but be with her.  Shots are no fun and she needed, I was sure, some Mommy lovin' to make her feel better.  Wrong. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home and looked so peaceful that I didn't dare wake her.  So, I waited.  When she woke up I instantly got her out and walked her around holding her.  We played for a little while and then she got hungry.  I fed her, we played a little while longer and then she started to get tired.  I gave her the paci and she snuggled up a little but didn't settle down.  I bounced her and bobbed her and she calmed for a little while.  She was like a little frog curled up on my chest as I walked around., eyes wide open.  Finally I gave up when she started fussing again.  I took her to her room, swaddled her, gave her the paci and she was out.
My heart fell and I started to cry.  What have I done to my child that she doesn't want me? Doesn't want to be rocked or loved on?  Wants to be swaddled and left alone instead of me holding her? I go back to work next week and I feel like it's been a waste of maternity leave.  Have I not paid her enough attention?  One of the main reasons we kept Teagan at school was so I could have one on one time with Kyra.  So I could bond with her.  I feel like a failure right now.  Sure, it could just be her personality.  She could prefer laying down and settling herself to sleep.  Josh figured that out a month ago and so we've laid her down at night basically awake and swaddled and in a few minutes she's a sleep.  Even if that is the case I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like the postpartum depression sucked my bond with Kyra out from under me.  Those important few weeks of her life were screwed up by me.  I didn't do what I should have emotionally as a Mommy of a new baby and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt.  It breaks my heart.   

Jumping on the "Our 2011" bandwagon.

January- Sweet Teagan turned 1!! She shared her birthday with her best friend Matilda and then her sweet friend Izze was born that day too!

*picture via*

February- At Teagan's doctor appointment her amazing doctor wrote her a prescription for no hot dogs or juice at school. We love her doctors!

March- The age of the tantrums begin...

April- This was a big month for us! We announced Teagan was going to be a big sister, she had an awesome play date with her best gal pal and she colored Easter eggs for the first time!

May- We had our first ultrasound and we didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl.

June- We said Bye Bye to Teagan's Binky, Josh and I celebrated our four year anniversary and I talked about Gestational Diabetes.

July-We were 25 weeks and I had an emotional vomit, I prepared for BlogHer '11 and I talked about Papaws.

August- I waddled around BlogHer '11 and learned a few things.  Then we set off on an extrucitatingly long road trip to Vermont.

September- We hit 37 weeks and decided to have a family picture day thanks to Jada J!!

October- Kyra Mae Reid is born and I rocked a successful VBAC but honestly didn't blog about it until November, what? I was kind of busy!

November- Kyra hit the one month mark and we hunted for a Christmas tree with the Heavner's!

December- Teagan sang "Happy Birthday, Jesus" with her bff Matilda in their school Christmas program, I talked about and admitted to having Postpartum depression and how frustrating breastfeeding has been this time, and sweet Kyra turned 2 months old! Of course we celebrated Christmas as well!