I have a bottle fed baby.

I did an update a week or so ago and included with it how Kyra was now a bottle fed baby and I sold my pump.  I said there would be an explanation.  Honestly, there isn't much of one. I've felt a flood of emotions about it.  From anger, to hurt, to bitterness, to frustration, to jealousy, to acceptance, to sucking it up and getting over it. There are times when I see other mom's feeding their baby that I feel a twinge of guilt and I have to blink back tears.  That should be me. I should be feeding Kyra that way.  I can honestly say I went down with a fight.  It was not for lack of trying by any means.  There was nothing else I could do.
We went to Kyra's four month check up and she hadn't gained enough weight.  She'd dropped below the threshold (20th percentile) and they were concerned so we decided to come back in a month.  She and I had been struggling, as I've talked about before, to the point of tears and exhaustion at every feeding.  The doctor confirmed my fears and so we started pushing the bottle more.  We made it to four and a half months of just breast milk.  But, I was so determined she wouldn't have to use formula that I was pumping to the point I made myself bleed.  Not just a little mind you, it was pretty substantial.
My friend, Meghan, called me on it.  Breastfeeding, giving Kyra breast milk was quickly becoming an idol for me.  It was all I could think about.  I was letting so much other stuff go just so I could give Kyra breast milk.  Some would call that doing the best for Kyra.  Others called me crazy.  I will admit now, and had to admit then, that I had reached that proverbial line in the sand and jumped across it. I had to decrease what I was doing because honestly, I was sacrificing too much and it wasn't worth it.  I was hurting myself physically and emotionally and sacrificing precious time WITH Kyra and Teagan and Josh.  After a little while my body gave up.  It realized it wasn't Kyra at my breast but a measly pump.  After a few weeks my milk was gone and we ran out of our freezer supply.  Now, she is a formula fed baby.   I broke out in HIVES the day I realized we would have to put her on formula.  I cried crocodile tears on the day we sold the pump.
I know she won't grow an extra arm.  I know she is going to be just as smart as her sister.  I know she is developmentally on target and growing like a weed.  Like she should.  Sometimes it still hurts though.  In the middle of the night when she can't go back to sleep; I know if I could just put her to my breast she would settle in a mere minute and fall right back to sleep.  Now, we have to give her an entire bottle before she will settle down.  I do feel pangs of guilt, like when we're at church and a mom sneaks out to feed her baby while I'm feeding Kyra with a bottle during the sermon.  I feel envious when other moms talk about their babies wanting to be at the breast all the time.  I am sure it's a little frustrating for them, but I can only wish that was me complaining.  Then there is the fact that I breastfed Teagan for an entire year.  I almost feel like I've done Kyra an injustice.  Like she isn't getting the things Teagan got because I wasn't able to do the same for her.
There are upsides that I have tried to focus on.  Teagan has fed Kyra, Josh gets to feed her more often.  We've been able to leave both girls at my parents for a night.  Feedings are good now for Kyra and I at night.  We snuggle up in the rocking chair, she buries the side of her head close to my chest and drinks the bottle while we stare at each other and I smile.  That is how a feeding should be.  That is how ours are now.  No more circus act.  No more acrobatics trying to keep her latched.  It's peaceful.  It's calm.  It's a good experience instead of a frustrating one.  It is exactly how our time should be together.

4 months.

I think we have seen the biggest change in Kyra over the last few weeks.  Her personality is really starting to evolve.  Her face lights up when Teagan, Daddy or Mommy come into the room and especially when we talk directly to her.  When Teagan is sitting or laying down next to her she roles over on her side just to see her better.  It is adorable and of course Teagan just eats it up!

We went to the doctor for her well check and 4 month shots and she did excellent.  She didn't cry except for the minute or two after she got her shots and then she was just fine!  So fine she fell asleep.  She was 24 inches long but only 12lbs 2oz...that means she has only gained a pound a month since she was born.  She was in the 20th percentile weight wise but the 46th percentile height wise.  Dr. B and I decided Kyra would come back in March for a weight check.  We're still keeping the appointment but we had to go back to the doctor with Kyra the Friday of her well check and she'd gained 6 oz in a week (more on that later). 

Kyra is in a size 2 diaper and I have a feeling she will be in size 2 for a while.  We have started using cloth diapers at night now.  They look hilarious on her though because she is so little!

Kyra recently started sleeping unswaddled.  I thought it was going to be a rough transition but she has rocked it.  She started breaking out, getting frustrated and getting upset about a week ago so we decided to start the sleep sack. She has actually slept a little longer unswaddled.  We also have been putting her in her crib awake since she was a month and a half (she didn't like to be cuddled) and she would put herself to sleep.  I thought that was partly because of the swaddle.  We've done the same thing with her in the sleep sack we just lay a hand on her stomach for a few minutes and she's good to go!  She has been sleeping from 7:15ish-5-6ish in the morning.

Kyra is still in 3 month clothes but can wear some 3-6 month onesies.  I think she is going down the same path Teagan did size wise so I hope that will play in our favor in regards to not having to buy a lot of new clothes. 

She is doing really well at "school".  She, like Teagan is one of the few favorites.  She is really easy going and laid back.  I think that is part her personality and part she has to put up with her big sister and has just learned to go with the flow through her temper tantrums.  So, a crying baby isn't going to bother her too much. 

Kyra doesn't "talk" quite as much as Teagan did at this age.  She talks a lot when she and I or she and Josh have her one on one but if Teagan is in the room she just usually lays back and watches her instead of trying to compete.  I have a feeling that will change as she gets older. Kyra Mae might just give Teagan a run for her money. 

Kyra is now bottle fed for every feeing except the first feeding of the morning.  Sadly, I think that might be replaced with a bottle soon too.  Feedings just weren't going well for the two of us and that effected my supply to the point she wasn't getting enough.  I continue to pump at work about every hour and a half but I am starting to get less and less.  She has taken to the formula well and we will continue to do half and half as long as we can.  I do have to admit the feedings at night have been so much better now that I'm giving her a bottle.  She snuggles in and gets sleey vs. when we were nursing and I was rocking and bobbing and squatting and...well, everything but standing on my head.  It is now a bonding experience instead of a frustrating one.  I am sad and sometimes get angry at my body for "failing" me but for the most part I have had to accept it an move on.  We did the very best we could.  Like, you have no idea what we did to try and keep breastfeeding...whew.

We will probably start solids around the 5 month mark because that is when we started Teagan on them.  She hasn't started looking longingly at our food just yet at the table so we'll wait and see when that happens! 

We are all ready for the next chapter in this adventure of a family of four!! We are really looking forward to the weather getting consistenly warm so we can throw down a blanket in the front yard and have dinner or take a walk sans blanket before time for bed.  Warm weather, hurry please!

Struggling.

Squatting.  Rocking.  Bouncing. Swinging. Bobbing. Trotting.

Sounds like fun right? Sounds like a description of goofing off with either Teagan or Kyra right? WRONG.  That is what a nursing session with Kyra is like.  It has been hard. It has been a struggle.  It has been frustrating.  It has been exhausting.  It has not been a satisfying experience for Kyra or I.  It has not been a bonding experience for Kyra and I.  The only "good" sessions we ever have are the ones first thing in the morning.  It goes down hill from there.  We haven't given up completely yet but I am officially a willing slave to the pump.  I nurse her in the mornings and the rest of the day she gets a bottle of half "Mommy Milk (as T calls it)" and half formula.  We had to do this with Teagan but not until she was about 10 months old.  Sadly, we've had to start supplementing now. 
It wasn't just the struggle that has us starting to supplement.  We went for her well check on Monday and she is in the 20th percentile weight wise and when they drop below 25 they start to get a little anxious.  They didn't say we had to supplement with but it's been so hard on us both that we decided to go ahead and start bottle feeding her just to make sure she was getting enough to help her gain weight. 

I can't say that this was an easy decision for us.  We've been fighting this decision for 4 months because of the struggle and frustration but I was determined to exclusively breastfeed as long as we possibly could.  Our decision to supplement vs. exclusively bottle feed with breast milk didn't come easy either.  But, both Josh and I want Kyra to have breastmilk as long as possible and just in case my milk supply starts to decrease we don't want to worry about not having any more. 

There is one of the positive of bottle feeding....