I have a bottle fed baby.

I did an update a week or so ago and included with it how Kyra was now a bottle fed baby and I sold my pump.  I said there would be an explanation.  Honestly, there isn't much of one. I've felt a flood of emotions about it.  From anger, to hurt, to bitterness, to frustration, to jealousy, to acceptance, to sucking it up and getting over it. There are times when I see other mom's feeding their baby that I feel a twinge of guilt and I have to blink back tears.  That should be me. I should be feeding Kyra that way.  I can honestly say I went down with a fight.  It was not for lack of trying by any means.  There was nothing else I could do.
We went to Kyra's four month check up and she hadn't gained enough weight.  She'd dropped below the threshold (20th percentile) and they were concerned so we decided to come back in a month.  She and I had been struggling, as I've talked about before, to the point of tears and exhaustion at every feeding.  The doctor confirmed my fears and so we started pushing the bottle more.  We made it to four and a half months of just breast milk.  But, I was so determined she wouldn't have to use formula that I was pumping to the point I made myself bleed.  Not just a little mind you, it was pretty substantial.
My friend, Meghan, called me on it.  Breastfeeding, giving Kyra breast milk was quickly becoming an idol for me.  It was all I could think about.  I was letting so much other stuff go just so I could give Kyra breast milk.  Some would call that doing the best for Kyra.  Others called me crazy.  I will admit now, and had to admit then, that I had reached that proverbial line in the sand and jumped across it. I had to decrease what I was doing because honestly, I was sacrificing too much and it wasn't worth it.  I was hurting myself physically and emotionally and sacrificing precious time WITH Kyra and Teagan and Josh.  After a little while my body gave up.  It realized it wasn't Kyra at my breast but a measly pump.  After a few weeks my milk was gone and we ran out of our freezer supply.  Now, she is a formula fed baby.   I broke out in HIVES the day I realized we would have to put her on formula.  I cried crocodile tears on the day we sold the pump.
I know she won't grow an extra arm.  I know she is going to be just as smart as her sister.  I know she is developmentally on target and growing like a weed.  Like she should.  Sometimes it still hurts though.  In the middle of the night when she can't go back to sleep; I know if I could just put her to my breast she would settle in a mere minute and fall right back to sleep.  Now, we have to give her an entire bottle before she will settle down.  I do feel pangs of guilt, like when we're at church and a mom sneaks out to feed her baby while I'm feeding Kyra with a bottle during the sermon.  I feel envious when other moms talk about their babies wanting to be at the breast all the time.  I am sure it's a little frustrating for them, but I can only wish that was me complaining.  Then there is the fact that I breastfed Teagan for an entire year.  I almost feel like I've done Kyra an injustice.  Like she isn't getting the things Teagan got because I wasn't able to do the same for her.
There are upsides that I have tried to focus on.  Teagan has fed Kyra, Josh gets to feed her more often.  We've been able to leave both girls at my parents for a night.  Feedings are good now for Kyra and I at night.  We snuggle up in the rocking chair, she buries the side of her head close to my chest and drinks the bottle while we stare at each other and I smile.  That is how a feeding should be.  That is how ours are now.  No more circus act.  No more acrobatics trying to keep her latched.  It's peaceful.  It's calm.  It's a good experience instead of a frustrating one.  It is exactly how our time should be together.

It lasted a month.

We made it a month before the jealousy started.  My poor sweet Teagan wants her mommy. me. all the time.  Occasionally Mamaw will do but for the most part Teagan wants my undivided attention.  It rips me apart.  It's been a little hard to adjust my mindset to the fact that there are two sweet girls that need my attention now not just one.  I find myself occasionally trying to take them both on at the same time.  One on one hip and the other in the crook of my other arm.  It's exhausting and frustrating all at the same time. 
My sweet husband tries to help but right now it's hard and I know frustrating for him.  I am Kyra's main caregiver right now basically because I provide her with nutrition and she's with me during the day and night so she favors me.  Teagan is realizing she doesn't always have my undivided attention and that is something she wants back so she only wants me right now.  My heart hurts when I see Teagan kicking and screaming for me when Josh is trying to comfort her.  I see hurt in his eyes and my heart breaks for him.  It will be better soon, it's just something Teagan is going to have to go through but it doesn't make it any easier on him right now.  I know how hard it's been for me the times she's been with just me and screams for her daddy.  It breaks my heart so I know his is breaking too.
Thankfully, this jealousy has not turned into resentment towards Kyra.  Teagan still loves on Kyra and wants to hold her hand and kiss and hug her.  We pray this is how it remains.  That Teagan will not hold resentment (in her toddler way) towards her sister. 
We have definitely come through the "honeymoon phase" of having 2 under 2 and now reality is kicking in.  We don't regret having Kyra in ANY WAY but we are now beginning the real learning process of how we are going to live with this new normal of ours.  Thankfully we have an amazing support system.  I know this will work itself out. It's just surviving the working itself out part.

Hard but worth it.

Has it really been three weeks already?  It actually seems like it's been longer then three weeks as Kyra has settled in quite nicely to make our family of three an even four. 
I do have to admit it seems like it's been a little harder this go-round.  Just readjusting to a newborn compared to a fully functioning-can tell me what she wants-toddler.  Sometimes I have to just breath through the frustration and remember that Kyra is really only 3 weeks old and crying is the only way she can tell me something is not right.  During the day it's not as bad but after the sun goes down my patience level sometimes goes with it.  Thankfully the older she gets the more adjusted I become.  Josh keeps a watchful eye on my feelings and actions as we want to make sure I don't slip into postpartum depression.  Since I've been diagnosed with clinical depression in the past we definitely don't want something like that sneaking up on us.  Thankfully I have a husband who knows what to look for in me.  Right now, I call what I'm feeling "night time baby blues" as it usually comes on when the sun goes down.  Prayerfully that is all it will be and prayerfully it will slowly but surely get better.   
Kyra is such a joyful addition to our family.  She really is quite calm and doesn't cry as often as I sometimes think she does.  She has a gentle spirit about her already.  She seems to love Teagan and tolerates all her kisses and sometimes not gentle enough hugs.  Teagan is purely smitten with Kyra and can't stop talking about her and "lovin'" on her.  Kyra gets more love then Josh & I combined!  Kyra has started staying awake for longer stretches which sometimes means play time and sometimes means crying.  All the walking I do around the house (she's a moving baby) is surely going to help me lose the dreaded baby weight! haha!
We have been so blessed with friends and family and their kindness.  We've barely had to cook since we got home from the hospital because friends from church and friends not from church have brought meals almost 3 nights a week! The kindness we have been shown during this time surpasses anything we could have imagined.

Teagan meets Kyra

We were actually kind of anxious about Teagan meeting Kyra because she has a tendency to be very "that's MY mommy" whenever I pay attention to other babies. I was beyond amazed, and continue to be, at how she took to Kyra. She first met her on Saturday when we got home from the hospital. Teagan stayed with Josh's parents while we were in the hospital so Grandma brought her by to meet Kyra.  She was so excited to see her! She had to make sure she had hands and feet and diapers and that she stayed covered and didn't get cold. Then she was over it and started to play with all the "stuff".

 

 

Teagan has continued to adjust well to her new baby sister. Kyra's crying doesn't phase her and her temper tantrums don't phase Kyra. Teagan hugs and kisses Kyra more then she does anybody else and has to say "night-night" and "mornin'" to her every day. We are truly blessed with two amazingly sweet and beautiful girls.