Monday, February 15, 2016

Swarming thoughts.

Random thoughts swarming in my mind and heart currently:

Can I tell you how much I hate the term "it's just a phase"? I hate it so much because it holds a lot of truth. I've learned over the years that after a phase of life is over for me, I grieve it. Sometimes I grieve the last phase right into the middle of the next one. Friendship is something I've been struggling with lately. Friendship and phases. I focus so much on the past and the what ifs and the whys and the why nots that I can occasionally miss out on the amazing group of friends I have in the here and now. None of the friendships have ended angrily or abruptly and this is probably why I think of them often and wonder what we would be had life not gotten in the way. Something I need to work on is remembering the good times and not focusing on the times we won't likely have in the future. Life happens. I've been given amazing friends through every walk of my life; some have loved me well, some I've loved well, and some have challenged me something fierce. Now, it's time to stop looking back and to look forward and into what I have with the same passion that I used to look back.

Raising girls is hard. Raising girls that have my personality and my husband's strong will (well, maybe some of mine too) is even harder. Raising these girls shows me all my faults but it shows me great examples of grace. Mornings are the toughest for us. Getting myself ready (you would think scrubs would make life at least a LITTLE quicker), getting two girls ready, and getting out the door at a reasonable hour is SO MUCH HARDER than it seems. Somedays, most mornings, I want to pull out my hair, scream and cry and then run away...far away. Somedays I mess up so badly because I let their behaviors frustrate me to the point I yell; sometimes far louder and angrier than I even imagined I could. It's those times that grace wins. It's those moments that I realize what just came out of my mouth and how it came out was no example I want them to ever follow. It's in those moments that by grace I get down to eye level, pull them tight, and apologize. I come to them humbly and seeking forgiveness. You know what? They always give it, without question. I am so thankful that more often than not I feel like I am shown grace through my mistakes than I get it.

I miss running. I took some time off after my marathon and my crazy, rack up the hospital bills, sickness. I thought my body needed and deserved a rest. I've been doing a lot of high interval training (which I LOVE) and it works well but there is something about a long run day with my favorite music that just calms my spirit. I do believe my running shoes are about to bite the dust though, so that probably needs to be taken care of first...

I have reached a point in my career where I don't know which way is up. I'm learning what I like about my job, what I don't like about my job, what I wish my job could look like, and where I potentially want to go with it. This is a really crappy position to be in to be frank. I feel like I have experience but I don't feel like I have enough, well, I know I don't have enough. This lesson is currently on the topic of contentment. I've not been very content lately and that is a heart issue. This has convicted me a lot over the last several weeks; where am I seeking this contentment? why am I not feeling content? why am I doubting this place I've been placed? So many questions.

I miss blogging, I miss writing, I miss sketching. This is sometime I want to make time to do more of.

I would like to go out and get dressed up. The kind of dressed up where Josh has to wear a suit or tux. The kind where I get help with my hair and make up and a I wear heels that give me legs for days and make me almost as tall as my 6'2" husband. It seems though that these places don't exist anymore unless you're strutting down the red carpet...sad.

I don't like chocolate very much. I do however love to put a packet of hot chocolate in my's pretty much my new favorite thing.

I think that might be all for now...Until next time!