Saturday, January 26, 2013

And She's Three.

We officially have a three year old.  To be more specific we have a three year old girl.  Teagan has always been a sweet and helpful girl, now that sweetness and helpfulness has been sprinkled with a lot of sass and a double dose of tantrums.  Our house is full of rainbows and sunshine one minute and waterworks and dragon fire the next.
To be honest?  It's hard.  There are so many days where me counting to ten doesn't come close and twenty is usually not enough either.  Teagan has always been somewhat above average in her verbal skills and so remembering she is three by mere days is something Josh and I constantly have to remind ourselves of.  Just because she can talk like a four year old does not mean she has the emotional capacity of one.  Giving each other "the look" is a constant at our house these days.  The "she's only three, you need to calm down or take a parental time out" look.  The tantrums have escalated and the screams have increased to the sound of a screeching banshee.  There are days when I want to just stay at the hospital or school because I'm not sure what I am going to get when I pick her up from daycare.  It's almost comical how quickly her mood can change.  It's similar to the hormonal imbalance of an early teen or a pregnant woman.  One minute she's cool as a cucumber, singing "Chugga chugga choo-choo, Chugga chugga choo", and then next minute she's a thousand Chinese firecrackers.
Feeling these feelings is hard for me though, I often see-saw between feelings of guilt and frustration both at Teagan and myself.  Teagan and Kyra go to daycare eight hours out of the day, five days out of seven.  To say I want to stay at my internship or school is awful, and I know it, especially since I barely see my girls during the weekday and the weekends are always crazy.  Wishing anytime more time away from them is something I only briefly mean in the moment.  Once the tantrum ends we all, including Kyra Mae, welcome back the sunshine and rainbows and all is well in the playroom again.
Three is going to be difficult. Three, I fear, is going to be like nothing we have ever seen.  Three is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, that Teagan has ever had to do.  But, it's these moments where I realize I am meant to be a parent.  On those moments I want to give up but don't I am reminded how strong God has made me, as a person but most of all as a mother.  In my life I have always initially had the flight response when faced with difficulty.  Self-sabatoge was the name of my game.  Marriage and babies have been the hardest thing I have ever done.  But we're doing this, Josh and I.  We're doing this together, Chinese firecrackers or rainbows.                

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