Peace

Have you ever felt such an overwhelming peace come over you? The kind where you don't have a doubt in your mind that all will be well regardless of what might happen.  In the last year or so I have been blessed with this peace.  As morbid as this might seem to a lot of people, I am not afraid of death.  The dying part, yes. I'm not the most pain tolerant person. The death part not at all.  I had a dream before I went to BlogHer '11, and flew across the country, that a few years ago would have rocked my world.  I dreamed the plane I was in crashed.  Now, I have been flying quite literally my entire life.  I'm an Air Force brat and we traveled a lot.  I've never been scared of flying and quite honestly never though twice about it.  But, the older I get the more cynical I have become. I even get scared of thunderstorms on occasion.    
In my dream we hit a lot of turbulence and the captain came across the speaker saying we were going to try and conduct an emergency landing so we should all be prepared.  Then the inevitable came across the speaker.  The fact that we were going down seemed to consume the plane.  There were screams and crying and tears all around yet I felt an overwhelming peace.  I was okay with the idea of dying.  I had a pain surge through my body because I knew I would never again see my family on Earth but I knew I would see them again and it gave me peace.  I've memorized their faces and in my mind I was kissing and hugging them.  I just wanted them to have one last I love you, one last goodbye from me so I took a permanent marker, hot pink to be exact, and I wrote this on my arm as we were preparing for the crash: 

PB & LB- I love you forever and always. To the moon & back. Rejoice for me because as much as my heart aches that I won't see you on Earth BB & I will be waiting on you in Heaven.  Mom & Dad- I love you forever.

I was not crying in the dream.  I was actually quite peaceful.  The sole fact that I knew exactly where I was going gave me such a peace.  I am so appreciative that the Lord has given me such a peace in my life that I could never had found on my own.   

Dreams

Can I just tell you the craziness of my dreams since Teagan has been born?  My dreams have been vivid and more real then I could ever tell you.  I've even sleep walked once and kind of weirded out my husband.  Last night was no different.  The only bad part (well, maybe this isn't really bad) is that I can only ever remember bits and pieces of them.  Like last night.  I had a dream where I freaked out because I thought Teagan was suffocating in my pillow case so in my sleep I took my top pillow, took off the pillow case, searched it to make sure she wasn't there and then placed the pillow on the floor.  When Teagan was younger my dreams were awful.  I would dream about rolling over on her or losing her in the covers and she didn't even sleep with us.  The overwhelming sense of panic during and after the dreams was one that kept me up more during the night then she did. 

I've always had a vivid sense of imagination.  It has definitely gotten worse with age.  I hear one creek on the stairs and I immediately think somebody has broken into our house and is creeping up our stairs.  I've had many nights where I lay there, phone clutched (and sometimes already dialed), just waiting to see the shadow so I can hit send and run at them "gunner" (yes, I know what this football position is...do you?) style and keep them away from Teagan.  Josh thinks I'm silly and asks why I don't feel safe in our neighborhood.  It's not like I don't feel safe I have just become extra cautious and sensitive since another human is counting on me for safety.

Whew, that post was a little all over the place.  Basically, I have been having weird vivid dreams I don't really remember since Teagan has been born.  The end.


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