Thursday, October 18, 2012

In 2 days.

2 days from now will be October 20th.
In 2 days it will be a year since Kyra Mae's due date.
In 2 days Kyra's due date will have come and gone and she would still be all snuggly in my belly, arriving 7 days late.
This time last year I was on the fence.  Not about having Kyra but about when.  Josh and I are finished having children, unless divine intervention takes place.  I wanted to hold on to the feeling of being pregnant.  I wanted to hold on to those rolls, to those kicks, to the fact that I could keep her safe from all outside dangers.
To be even more honest I was scared how it would effect my relationship with Teagan.  I was used to it being her and I.  She got my undivided attention.  She had the other half of my heart.  How in the world could I continue to love her as intensely with a new baby on the way?  How could I love the new baby as much as I loved Teagan?  
Thankfully, I was able to.  I was able to divide my heart into three pieces.  Josh. Teagan. Kyra.  There was no sharing of my heart.  It just naturally divided into three pieces.
I am so thankful for Kyra Mae.  For the challenges she has brought into my life.  For the completely different person she is from Teagan, from me.  For the way she has developed differently than Teagan. For not being like Teagan in anyway other than a fairly calm nature.
Kyra has been a challenge by no fault of her own.  Kyra and I had to get to know each other.  With Teagan it was instantaneous because she is my little mini-me.  Kyra Mae is her own person entirely, she is more like a baby Josh.  She is not a cuddler and hasn't been since we left the hospital.  She wants what she needs and then she has it from there.  I have always been a cuddler and I am always hugging and touching those I love or know.  Kyra did not want to breastfeed.  She wasn't getting what she wanted and while it killed me to stop she was just fine with it.  She would have rather had a bottle than "me" anyway.  That was a struggle, but a lesson in realizing I cannot control everything with my children.  I can only do what is best for them to the best of my ability.
I love Kyra equally as I do Teagan but thanks to Kyra I have realized that I am able to love differently.  I don't have to love the same but I do love with the same intensity.  We are so blessed to have Kyra in our lives.