Just going through the motions.

Remember when I was pregnant I wrote about being concerned about bonding with Kyra?  Worrying about just going through the motions and not connecting with her emotionally?  Worrying about resenting her a little because our normal would change so drastically?  Worrying about not having enough time with Teagan because I was tending to a newborn? All of that happened, just like I worried about.  All of that happened until yesterday.  Yesterday, it finally clicked.  (Honestly, this is going to play out like a scene from cheesey Hallmark movie but pour you a glass of your favorite beverage and bare with me.)
Until yesterday there were many times through the day where I would get emotionally frustrated at Kyra and have to take a deep breath.  Knowing I had to do what I was doing to care for her.  Only being there for her physically though, not emotionally.  Sure, there were probably more times when I was talking to her and loving on her then I can recall but the ones where I was emotionally absent are the ones that stick out in my mind.  I would get frustrated and feel shut off from family and friends when I had to go to another room to breastfeed.  Partly because I'm still not comfortable breastfeeding under that stupid udder cover and partly because Kyra gets distracted easily when she's eating.  I would go and sit in another room by myself and just stew thinking of all I was missing.  Not realizing I was missing a whole lot more by not really paying attention to Kyra.  Getting upset when Teagan wanted me and I couldn't do anything about it because I had to feed Kyra or calm her down.  Thinking Kyra was getting in the way of my relationship with Teagan. Putting on a brave face for everybody because I knew I should feel and act blessed even when I felt more burdened at times.  Knowing people would understand if I asked for help but being too full of pride to ask for it.  Even from my husband most days.  I was just going through the motions. 
Then yesterday happened.  I was working with maybe 3 good hours of sleep from the night before.  I was exhausted and just running on adrenaline.  I didn't even have caffeine to put in my system and I was so desperate I almost put Kyra in her car seat and ran out to get some.  Anyway, I was on the verge of tears.  Kyra had been kinda fussy and nursing hadn't gone as well as I'd liked it to even though she had a full belly I had a full left boob.  I decided to slow down.  I leaned over Kyra, who was on our bed, and she smiled at me.  Full on gummy and bright eyed smile.  After the way I'd been most of her life, just doing what I felt like I had to do as a mom, just going through the motions, she still loved me in spite of myself.  She loves her mommy and I am her mommy.  I lost it.  I started sobbing.  All I could do was cry and pick her up and tell her how much I loved her.  That I was sorry I'd been kinda crappy the last month and that I would do better.  I told her I loved her and how sorry I was over and over again.
Have I been struggling with postpartum depression? Maybe? I don't think it was a constant thing.  So I think I had more of severe baby blues then full on depression.  I've struggled in the past with depression and so Josh watched me like a hawk but I'm even so good sometimes that I can fool him.  Thankfully, I think the hormones have finally started to regulate themselves and I'm feeling more happy and emotionally available to both my girls now.  I didn't have to go through it alone and I shouldn't have.  Being the prideful human that I am I did.  If you feel similar to the way I did don't go through it alone.  It's hell but it's an avoidable hell.  Talk to somebody.  Ask for help.  Shoot me an e-mail if you need to. 

Half Marathon.

Well, 13.105 miles later, the race was complete in 2 hours 41 minutes and 20 seconds.  I had a flood of different emotions before the race, during the race and after the race.  Even right now I feel a sense of pride in myself.  This is something I haven’t felt in a long time and I can’t wait to try it again. 

I do want to take a minute to thank those of you who donated to the cause I was running for.  The research for the cure of SMA is crucial and I take it very seriously, especially after corresponding with Getty and Sophia’s mom.  I feel the need to fight for it; to fight for them and to fight for future babies.  Especially when researchers say the cure for this disease is so close.

I also want to write a special thanks to my husband and my sweet baby girl.  They selflessly gave me time to train and were right there at the finish line cheering me on in the cold rain.  My parents also came to the race and were a constant support during my training and my run.  G.P.S., Inc was also a financial sponsor for this race. 

The half marathon was something I don’t think you can mentally prepare for until you’ve ran your first one.  I went in as prepared as I could have been in spite of the circumstances.  I trained mileage, hills and speed but I was unable to prepare for the weather.  Nothing prepares you for the mind game of the actual race. 
Next race I will be sure to study the actual elevation of the course because to be quite honest, I don’t know that many people were prepared for the intensity of the hills we conquered.  They were all very steep and there were a lot of them.  The runners didn’t have a lot of flat ground to run in between the hills.  During the start of the race I was dead set on not walking until at least mile 9 because I’d trained to 8 miles in under 1 hr and 15 minutes and knew I could do that without walking.  That was without the hills…so, needless to say I did a little walking in the first 9 miles.  Overall I think I only walk a mile or so out of 13 so I see that as a triumph.  Around mile 11 my calves started to cramp.  I have never felt cramping like I did that day.  It felt better to run then it did to walk but my body was starting to get tired.  At that point the race became a mind game and I feel proud that I was able to overcome it.  The finish line was the best part of the race.  Not because it was the end but because when I came around the curve of the track (the last leg was on a track) I saw Josh and Teagan standing in the infield waving and yelling to me.  Then I came around the curve and saw my mom and knew she was crying and then I saw my dad with the camera.  I started to cry a little at that point but sped up because I was running to them.  I was running to be in the arms of four people who provide me with constant support, no questions asked.  As I crossed the finish line they called my name, gave me a bottle of water and slipped a medal over my head.  My first running medal.  I was swollen with a sense of pride.

After the race was a mix of adrenaline and exhaustion and paid and happiness.  I was cold and wet but I had my family around me and that kept my mind off things.  Teagan was very excited about the medal and played with it while I tried to stretch my hot/cold extremities.  After I tried to stretch and we took some pictures we made our way to get me a little food and more water.  I had to prepare for the 2 hour ride home.  We made it just fine!

Overall, I am pretty proud of myself.  Sure, there are a few things I will do differently next time like:

Make sure my Ipod is put on correctly (it was on upside down) so I can adjust it when I need to. 

Make sure to study the elevation of the course.

Make sure to eat enough the night before and the morning of.

Be prepared for the weather (I didn’t have “rain” apparel).   

Overall, I feel like the race was a success.  I honestly can’t wait to get my running shoes back on and train for my next one!