It's getting easier.

Slowly but surely the postpartum depression symptoms are easing off.  We've had a lot of prayers being sent our way since I let the cat out of the bag and I couldn't be more thankful knowing we're not the only ones whispering about our problem in God's ear. 
One of the big issues that rose out of the postpartum depression was breastfeeding.  I got frustrated really easily if a feeding didn't go well or didn't start well.  Slowly we are learning each other.  Slowly I am realizing how Kyra ticks.  For example, if she is tired and hungry she would rather sleep now and eat later.  As simple as it seems it took me about two months to really realize that.  Now, if she doesn't want to latch on either side for more then a few minutes then I burp her and try to re-latch her.  If that doesn't work then I know she's sleepy and I don't fight it.  She'll eat when she's hungry.  Thankfully, she is right on track weight and height wise so there is no reason for me to try and force her to eat.  Not that I could anyway. 
I've also learned that her temperament is more like Josh's.  Teagan's was/is so much like mine that I just assumed Kyra's would be too.  It's not and it's taken me a little while to figure that out too.  Realizing that makes it more bearable that I don't need to rock her to sleep at night or for naps.  She likes to lay and just stretch and squirm around more then she really likes to be held.  It's not my fault and it's not the postpartum depressions fault.  It's just the way she is.  Josh isn't big on being touched all the time and neither is Kyra.

So, thankfully, no damage has been done and every day is getting better. 

This has been a constant verse sent to me over the last few months.  Oh how I love my prayer warriors.

 "fear not, for I am with you;
  be not dismayed, for I am your God;
 I will strengthen you, I will help you,
  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10 ESV)

Guilt.

Postpartum depression has a tendency to fill me with guilt.  Currently it's over Kyra not being a snuggler.  I know it's such a simple thing.  But part of me wonders if I made her not want to snuggle. Maybe she felt my frustration in the early months and figured she'd do better on her own.  Maybe I shouldn't have started swaddling her for afternoon naps so early.  Maybe I should have stayed home more so I could hold her and she wouldn't be confined to a carseat instead of being in my arms.  There are so many negatives maybes that bombard my brain and inevitably my heart. 
Today I was going to snuggle her all day.  She got shots this morning and I vowed I wouldn't even be on the computer.  I would snuggle her on the couch and play with her and do absolutely nothing but be with her.  Shots are no fun and she needed, I was sure, some Mommy lovin' to make her feel better.  Wrong. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home and looked so peaceful that I didn't dare wake her.  So, I waited.  When she woke up I instantly got her out and walked her around holding her.  We played for a little while and then she got hungry.  I fed her, we played a little while longer and then she started to get tired.  I gave her the paci and she snuggled up a little but didn't settle down.  I bounced her and bobbed her and she calmed for a little while.  She was like a little frog curled up on my chest as I walked around., eyes wide open.  Finally I gave up when she started fussing again.  I took her to her room, swaddled her, gave her the paci and she was out.
My heart fell and I started to cry.  What have I done to my child that she doesn't want me? Doesn't want to be rocked or loved on?  Wants to be swaddled and left alone instead of me holding her? I go back to work next week and I feel like it's been a waste of maternity leave.  Have I not paid her enough attention?  One of the main reasons we kept Teagan at school was so I could have one on one time with Kyra.  So I could bond with her.  I feel like a failure right now.  Sure, it could just be her personality.  She could prefer laying down and settling herself to sleep.  Josh figured that out a month ago and so we've laid her down at night basically awake and swaddled and in a few minutes she's a sleep.  Even if that is the case I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like the postpartum depression sucked my bond with Kyra out from under me.  Those important few weeks of her life were screwed up by me.  I didn't do what I should have emotionally as a Mommy of a new baby and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt.  It breaks my heart.   

Dearest Kyra Mae

Dearest Kyra Mae,
Well, Baby Girl, we've made it through the first two months.  It's hard to believe, and remember, sometimes you've only been here two months.  It just seems like you've always been.  Like we have always been a family of four.
You and I have struggled a bit but we continue to learn each other day by day.  Unfortunately, my hormones got all out of whack and I wound up with postpartum depression.  It made me, and some days still does, a little distant from you.  I am so sorry for that.  Even in my distance I want you to know how much I love you.  You made our family whole.
We are all slowly but surely adjusting to our new roles and new norms.  You actually make it pretty easy to be a mommy of two.  You have a sweet and patient nature about you that just takes the chaos and allows it to roll off your back like it's nothing.  You are so alert and observant!  You basically came out of the womb with your eyes open, holding your head up ready to conquer the world.  As sweet natured as you are I think you will be a force to be reckoned with.  Watch out world, here comes Kyra!
The way you are with your sister makes my heart smile.  You watch her like she is the best thing since a clean diaper and you talk to her like she's your best friend already.  She loves you so much.  She loves holding your hand in the car and tells me if she thinks you need something. Anything.  You tolerate her sometimes overabundance of love with a gummy smile.  Although, you aren't above telling her when you've had enough but that isn't very often.
I can't wait to see whats in store for you as you grow up.  There are so many things I want for you to know and see and do.  I can only pray I will be a mommy who is capable of showing you and teaching you.  I know without a doubt that I will at least be a mommy who loves you no matter what.  Postpartum depression be damned.

Forever and Always,
Mommy

Day by Day.

After finally coming to terms with the fact that I am suffering from postpartum depression I did what I usually do when I come to something hard.  I get upset and overtaken by it, I get super mad and then I deal with it.  My dad noticed this pattern in me in high school and honestly, I've never done it any other way.  That cycle is how I deal with things and do my best work when faced with hardship. 
I'm in the dealing with it phase now.  Do I sometimes still get upset and just cry until my eyes are bloodshot? Yes.  Do I get so angry that I just want to run away (disclaimer-NOT at Kyra, at the depression). Yes.  But, I'm dealing with it now.  I've come to terms with it and now it's time to take this task on. 
One way I've started dealing with it is to write down everything I get done during the day.  This includes eating breakfast, fixing coffee and feeding Kyra.  If I do it in a twenty-four hour period then I write it down and look at it before I go to bed.  I do this to combat the thoughts of not getting anything done.  I would be consumed by thoughts of things I needed to get done during the day when Kyra would cry or not want to be put down.  If I could put her down then I could do this or that.  With writing it down I realize how much I DO actually get done during the day, including cuddling with Kyra. 
The other way I'm dealing with the PPD is carving out my quiet time.  I'd been using the excuse of not having time to read my Bible and journal because I had a toddler and a baby and a husband to care for.  I just couldn't do it all.  Well, that was a mistake.  Lesson learned. Putting God first has helped combat the depression during the day.  I am able to recall the night before and a calmness comes over me.  That is when I allow myself to just breathe and remember.  I'm still working on that part. 

Amazed by God's timing.

I thought about not posting this.  Mainly because if I tell you where we go to church then you know the area we live in.  Then, I thought about how wrong it would be not to post this.  We were led to our church, Exodus, by my former pastor.  It was the perfect fit and we've been attending almost two years.  It's hard to believe hasn't been even two years.  We've made amazing friends and from the first few Sundays we just clicked and everything fell into place for us there.  It's a place we don't shy away from calling home.
There is a sense of community at Exodus that I've never felt anywhere else.  You miss a Sunday and you get at least one text or call asking where you were.  Not in a "you suck because you missed a Sunday" kinda way but in a genuine "hey, we missed you" kind of way.  Community is a big part of what Exodus is about and we love being a part of it. 
Just an example of the type of community I'm talking about as well as God's timing.  I posted about suffering from postpartum depression the other day.  For the first time I allowed my feelings to be put out there and I was finally honest with myself.  A mere four hours after I'd posted that specific post I got a call from a very kind woman who also attends Exodus.  After talking and praying with her on the phone Josh got a call from her husband just to check in and offer him support as well.  Some people might find this invasive and maybe a few years ago I would have but not anymore.  I now see it as somebody who genuinely cares.  Our pastor, Brian, follows my tweets as do several other friends from Exodus and so he saw my tweet with my post enclosed.  My post set him into action and like I said, God's timing is hilarious and perfect. 

Rough night turned revelation.

Yesterday was pretty productive but to be frank, last night was hell.  Everything was going smoothly until it was time to put Kyra to bed.  She'd just woken up from a little cat nap on her daddy around the usual time she goes down.  I figured I might as well take her upstairs to feed her and put her down.  She thought differently.  After changing her diaper and getting her latched on she started to squirm. She was hungry and still tired.  Those two factors do not equal a happy baby or a happy mommy.  After about 15 minutes Josh came upstairs and took her from me to see if he could get her calmed down.  His calmness and old soul never fail to come in handy. 
He calmed Kyra down and insisted I tell him what I was feeling right. that. second.  After stewing a little longer I explained how frustrated I was with breastfeeding Kyra.  How it was always a struggle.  How I was over it but I would trudge on.  He stared straight through my wall of frustration into my eyes and told me I didn't have to do it.  That we would formula feed and he would go get a bottle of breast milk now.  I sat there rocking with my knees against my chest feeling my frustration slowly melt away.  I remembered how much I wanted to breastfeed.  I remembered that it was the best thing possible for Kyra.  How honestly, it was the best thing for our budget.  I remembered I was breastfeeding because I wanted to. Not because my husband expected it or demanded it from me (because he doesn't, obviously).  The relief of knowing Kyra won't grow an extra leg if I were to want to stop breastfeeding.  All of that took the pressure off. 
Kyra was calm and Josh handed her back to me.  She latched on, got comfortable and ate like the champ she is.

 

Just going through the motions.

Remember when I was pregnant I wrote about being concerned about bonding with Kyra?  Worrying about just going through the motions and not connecting with her emotionally?  Worrying about resenting her a little because our normal would change so drastically?  Worrying about not having enough time with Teagan because I was tending to a newborn? All of that happened, just like I worried about.  All of that happened until yesterday.  Yesterday, it finally clicked.  (Honestly, this is going to play out like a scene from cheesey Hallmark movie but pour you a glass of your favorite beverage and bare with me.)
Until yesterday there were many times through the day where I would get emotionally frustrated at Kyra and have to take a deep breath.  Knowing I had to do what I was doing to care for her.  Only being there for her physically though, not emotionally.  Sure, there were probably more times when I was talking to her and loving on her then I can recall but the ones where I was emotionally absent are the ones that stick out in my mind.  I would get frustrated and feel shut off from family and friends when I had to go to another room to breastfeed.  Partly because I'm still not comfortable breastfeeding under that stupid udder cover and partly because Kyra gets distracted easily when she's eating.  I would go and sit in another room by myself and just stew thinking of all I was missing.  Not realizing I was missing a whole lot more by not really paying attention to Kyra.  Getting upset when Teagan wanted me and I couldn't do anything about it because I had to feed Kyra or calm her down.  Thinking Kyra was getting in the way of my relationship with Teagan. Putting on a brave face for everybody because I knew I should feel and act blessed even when I felt more burdened at times.  Knowing people would understand if I asked for help but being too full of pride to ask for it.  Even from my husband most days.  I was just going through the motions. 
Then yesterday happened.  I was working with maybe 3 good hours of sleep from the night before.  I was exhausted and just running on adrenaline.  I didn't even have caffeine to put in my system and I was so desperate I almost put Kyra in her car seat and ran out to get some.  Anyway, I was on the verge of tears.  Kyra had been kinda fussy and nursing hadn't gone as well as I'd liked it to even though she had a full belly I had a full left boob.  I decided to slow down.  I leaned over Kyra, who was on our bed, and she smiled at me.  Full on gummy and bright eyed smile.  After the way I'd been most of her life, just doing what I felt like I had to do as a mom, just going through the motions, she still loved me in spite of myself.  She loves her mommy and I am her mommy.  I lost it.  I started sobbing.  All I could do was cry and pick her up and tell her how much I loved her.  That I was sorry I'd been kinda crappy the last month and that I would do better.  I told her I loved her and how sorry I was over and over again.
Have I been struggling with postpartum depression? Maybe? I don't think it was a constant thing.  So I think I had more of severe baby blues then full on depression.  I've struggled in the past with depression and so Josh watched me like a hawk but I'm even so good sometimes that I can fool him.  Thankfully, I think the hormones have finally started to regulate themselves and I'm feeling more happy and emotionally available to both my girls now.  I didn't have to go through it alone and I shouldn't have.  Being the prideful human that I am I did.  If you feel similar to the way I did don't go through it alone.  It's hell but it's an avoidable hell.  Talk to somebody.  Ask for help.  Shoot me an e-mail if you need to.