Life lately. Remembering HE is enough.

Life lately has been full of emotions.  Emotions like anger. Frustration. Sadness. Defeat. Envy. Misunderstanding. Confusion. There have also been emotions like joy.  Happiness.  Delight. Peace. Understanding.

In those angry times I have cried out, truthfully not angry at God but angry at the situation we're in right now.  Angry that I still don't have a job almost 5 months post-grad school.  Angry that our finances are meeting "that point" that drastic might have to happen soon. Simply not understanding how it's all going to work out. Why hasn't it worked out in the way I've planned, the way we planned.  In those times it's hard to see how it's going to work out. How HE has a plan and how it is going to work out for our good. How I am blessed to see the other side of His proverbial tapestry that he is creating. How HE continues to provide for us and meet our needs. How in spite of my times where I've been anxious and angry and withdrawn and hurt, HE loves me anyway. He loves me when I'm questioning Him.  He loves me when I try to take it back and just do it on my own. He loves me when I ignored Him and ended up feeling those emotions like anger and frustration and sadness and envy and confusion. He loves me when I forget to thank Him for the opportunities that bring joy, happiness, delight, understanding, and peace, sweet peace.    
So today, I am coming to him. I am coming empty. I am spending the day in prayer and fasting. I am prayerful that I will feel the peace that only He can bring.  Remembering today that HE is enough. And that He truly does work all things for our good. Remembering I am truly HIS (Isaiah 43:1).

 

It's never not a struggle.

We've been doing a study at church on Psalm 73.  It has reminded me of a time when I was in a deep dark place.  Of being so depressed and angry and bitter and confused that I just wanted it all to go away.  I even tried to make it go away once.  The Lord had different plans.  In my mind I had done everything right, in the right order and the right way, but in my selfish mind I wasn't getting what I wanted.  The internal struggle took me to a dark place.  A place so dark that any form of light was so bright I had to turn my head; I was in the dark for a very long time.
The thing about depression for me is, it never goes away.  It just manifests differently.  For the most part I have been able to keep it at bay.  However, there are days and sometimes weeks that the dark makes itself known again.  The dark is a sneaky booger.  It creeps up from behind and veils me in its invisible darkness.  Thankfully, Josh has been with me for a very long time and knows what the invisible darkness looks like, in spite of its invisibility.
This last week or so has been one of those weeks.  It wasn't surprising that the darkness covered me this week.  Sleep has evaded me, Kyra Mae has been sick and the end of the semester is upon me.  My adrenaline was keeping me going and that is usually when the darkness strikes.  It's different now in it's manifestation then it was before babies.  I am easily frustrated with Josh and the girls, I do not want to be around anybody but I need to be around people, I need sleep but I tend to play the martyr role and stay up grumbling about not having any help even when I do.
One thing I notice when the darkness comes is that I have not been doing my Bible reading and journaling.  When I am not pushing into my Lord and my relationship with Him, I begin the slide down the proverbial slippery slope.  The awesome thing about knowing that fact is seeing God's grace in it all.  Looking back and realizing that in all these years of my struggles with depression I can look back and see God's grace.  He is truly sufficient, if I just remember to let Him be.

Day by Day.

After finally coming to terms with the fact that I am suffering from postpartum depression I did what I usually do when I come to something hard.  I get upset and overtaken by it, I get super mad and then I deal with it.  My dad noticed this pattern in me in high school and honestly, I've never done it any other way.  That cycle is how I deal with things and do my best work when faced with hardship. 
I'm in the dealing with it phase now.  Do I sometimes still get upset and just cry until my eyes are bloodshot? Yes.  Do I get so angry that I just want to run away (disclaimer-NOT at Kyra, at the depression). Yes.  But, I'm dealing with it now.  I've come to terms with it and now it's time to take this task on. 
One way I've started dealing with it is to write down everything I get done during the day.  This includes eating breakfast, fixing coffee and feeding Kyra.  If I do it in a twenty-four hour period then I write it down and look at it before I go to bed.  I do this to combat the thoughts of not getting anything done.  I would be consumed by thoughts of things I needed to get done during the day when Kyra would cry or not want to be put down.  If I could put her down then I could do this or that.  With writing it down I realize how much I DO actually get done during the day, including cuddling with Kyra. 
The other way I'm dealing with the PPD is carving out my quiet time.  I'd been using the excuse of not having time to read my Bible and journal because I had a toddler and a baby and a husband to care for.  I just couldn't do it all.  Well, that was a mistake.  Lesson learned. Putting God first has helped combat the depression during the day.  I am able to recall the night before and a calmness comes over me.  That is when I allow myself to just breathe and remember.  I'm still working on that part.