Postpartum depression has a tendency to fill me with guilt. Currently it's over Kyra not being a snuggler. I know it's such a simple thing. But part of me wonders if I made her not want to snuggle. Maybe she felt my frustration in the early months and figured she'd do better on her own. Maybe I shouldn't have started swaddling her for afternoon naps so early. Maybe I should have stayed home more so I could hold her and she wouldn't be confined to a carseat instead of being in my arms. There are so many negatives maybes that bombard my brain and inevitably my heart.
Today I was going to snuggle her all day. She got shots this morning and I vowed I wouldn't even be on the computer. I would snuggle her on the couch and play with her and do absolutely nothing but be with her. Shots are no fun and she needed, I was sure, some Mommy lovin' to make her feel better. Wrong. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home and looked so peaceful that I didn't dare wake her. So, I waited. When she woke up I instantly got her out and walked her around holding her. We played for a little while and then she got hungry. I fed her, we played a little while longer and then she started to get tired. I gave her the paci and she snuggled up a little but didn't settle down. I bounced her and bobbed her and she calmed for a little while. She was like a little frog curled up on my chest as I walked around., eyes wide open. Finally I gave up when she started fussing again. I took her to her room, swaddled her, gave her the paci and she was out.
My heart fell and I started to cry. What have I done to my child that she doesn't want me? Doesn't want to be rocked or loved on? Wants to be swaddled and left alone instead of me holding her? I go back to work next week and I feel like it's been a waste of maternity leave. Have I not paid her enough attention? One of the main reasons we kept Teagan at school was so I could have one on one time with Kyra. So I could bond with her. I feel like a failure right now. Sure, it could just be her personality. She could prefer laying down and settling herself to sleep. Josh figured that out a month ago and so we've laid her down at night basically awake and swaddled and in a few minutes she's a sleep. Even if that is the case I feel like it's my fault. I feel like the postpartum depression sucked my bond with Kyra out from under me. Those important few weeks of her life were screwed up by me. I didn't do what I should have emotionally as a Mommy of a new baby and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt. It breaks my heart.