Friday, December 2, 2011

Tears.

I finally jumped on the Pinterest wagon today.  I am in LOVE with it although I will have to ration my time spent on the site due to "I need to have it, why can't I have it" issues.
The only thing I didn't like was no fault of the websites.  It was when I clicked on the "fitness" link.  Thinking I could find some good little tips on how to get rid of the rest of the baby weight. The healthy way.  I was instantly taken back to my days on my first real blog.  My first real blog was a journey through my anorexia and depression.  It was a blog full of darkness and self-hatred.  Phrases like "do it for the gap between your thighs" or "Do it because you'd rather love yourself later then hate yourself when the full feeling sets in" popped out from the screen at me.  I began to cry.  Not big blubbering sobs but the kind of tears that just roll down your face in a constant stream.  It took me back to those days of self-hatred and darkness.  It reminded me of just how sick I was.  It reminded me that just because I stopped blogging like that doesn't mean it went away.  There are a ton of women and girls who continue to blog on "pro-ana" sites, there were even ladies who died from anorexia or suicide when I was blogging back then. 
It just made me take a step back.  It's everywhere.  The constant messages of perfection and not being good enough.  These messages have even made their way to a website like Pinterest.  If these messages can make it there then they have the ability to creep into every aspect of our lives.  That sounds kind of paranoid but I'm not being paranoid.  I am being realistic.  I have TWO daughters now.  Two beautiful girls who are going to face what I had to face in regards to the messages they will be getting.  I can only pray that Josh & I are able to combat those messages with those of love and self-appreciation.