Guilt.

Postpartum depression has a tendency to fill me with guilt.  Currently it's over Kyra not being a snuggler.  I know it's such a simple thing.  But part of me wonders if I made her not want to snuggle. Maybe she felt my frustration in the early months and figured she'd do better on her own.  Maybe I shouldn't have started swaddling her for afternoon naps so early.  Maybe I should have stayed home more so I could hold her and she wouldn't be confined to a carseat instead of being in my arms.  There are so many negatives maybes that bombard my brain and inevitably my heart. 
Today I was going to snuggle her all day.  She got shots this morning and I vowed I wouldn't even be on the computer.  I would snuggle her on the couch and play with her and do absolutely nothing but be with her.  Shots are no fun and she needed, I was sure, some Mommy lovin' to make her feel better.  Wrong. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home and looked so peaceful that I didn't dare wake her.  So, I waited.  When she woke up I instantly got her out and walked her around holding her.  We played for a little while and then she got hungry.  I fed her, we played a little while longer and then she started to get tired.  I gave her the paci and she snuggled up a little but didn't settle down.  I bounced her and bobbed her and she calmed for a little while.  She was like a little frog curled up on my chest as I walked around., eyes wide open.  Finally I gave up when she started fussing again.  I took her to her room, swaddled her, gave her the paci and she was out.
My heart fell and I started to cry.  What have I done to my child that she doesn't want me? Doesn't want to be rocked or loved on?  Wants to be swaddled and left alone instead of me holding her? I go back to work next week and I feel like it's been a waste of maternity leave.  Have I not paid her enough attention?  One of the main reasons we kept Teagan at school was so I could have one on one time with Kyra.  So I could bond with her.  I feel like a failure right now.  Sure, it could just be her personality.  She could prefer laying down and settling herself to sleep.  Josh figured that out a month ago and so we've laid her down at night basically awake and swaddled and in a few minutes she's a sleep.  Even if that is the case I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like the postpartum depression sucked my bond with Kyra out from under me.  Those important few weeks of her life were screwed up by me.  I didn't do what I should have emotionally as a Mommy of a new baby and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt.  It breaks my heart.   

Getting crafty with it!

Occasionally I get these "crafty urges" that make me want to do. do. do.  I've recently had one of those urges and I've had a few projects in the making or in my head that I've wanted to try and do before I go back to work.  Well, that happens next Tuesday. Crunch time began two days ago. 
Here's three of the things on my list:

1) Teagan's name sign (eventually I'll make Kyra's as well.  one at a time!)  All I have left to do is paint one more letter, hot glue it on and then hang it on the wall.  I finally got the orange for the N today.  I went to paint and hot glue and I CAN'T FIND MY HOT GLUE GUN. Currently, I've texted one of my sweet and crafty friends (the one who went with me today to get the stuff) to see if I can borrow hers.  I'm not sweating it though! Here is what the sign looks like right now...I'll do a "how to" once I'm completely finished with the project.  You'll never guess whats behind the fabric!

2) I've wanted to make Teagan a bow holder for a while now but now that Kyra's here I obviously need to make two of them.  Why not now? So, I went out and got ribbon and cute little critters to go at the top today.  Again. No. Hot. Glue. Gun.  These are the critters and ribbon colors I'm using.  Teagan's is the owl and Kyra's is the frog. 

3) We've had these picture frames FOREVER, like as long as we've been married.  You know a whole almost five years.  Anyway the plan was to put pictures in them from places we'd been.  I'm usually awesome at taking pictures.  Not so good at getting them printed so they've had the pictures they came with in them for awhile.  There are two have are mine in the frame on the other side of the window.  That is as far as I've gotten.  I decided until I got my rear in gear I'd just put paper in them.  I plan on doing that today because all that requires is scissors not a hot glue gun. 

Are there projects you have in the making but need to get your rear in gear? I'd love to hear about them..  Maybe the crafty vibes will help me find my hot glue gun...