Guilt.

Postpartum depression has a tendency to fill me with guilt.  Currently it's over Kyra not being a snuggler.  I know it's such a simple thing.  But part of me wonders if I made her not want to snuggle. Maybe she felt my frustration in the early months and figured she'd do better on her own.  Maybe I shouldn't have started swaddling her for afternoon naps so early.  Maybe I should have stayed home more so I could hold her and she wouldn't be confined to a carseat instead of being in my arms.  There are so many negatives maybes that bombard my brain and inevitably my heart. 
Today I was going to snuggle her all day.  She got shots this morning and I vowed I wouldn't even be on the computer.  I would snuggle her on the couch and play with her and do absolutely nothing but be with her.  Shots are no fun and she needed, I was sure, some Mommy lovin' to make her feel better.  Wrong. She fell asleep in her car seat on the way home and looked so peaceful that I didn't dare wake her.  So, I waited.  When she woke up I instantly got her out and walked her around holding her.  We played for a little while and then she got hungry.  I fed her, we played a little while longer and then she started to get tired.  I gave her the paci and she snuggled up a little but didn't settle down.  I bounced her and bobbed her and she calmed for a little while.  She was like a little frog curled up on my chest as I walked around., eyes wide open.  Finally I gave up when she started fussing again.  I took her to her room, swaddled her, gave her the paci and she was out.
My heart fell and I started to cry.  What have I done to my child that she doesn't want me? Doesn't want to be rocked or loved on?  Wants to be swaddled and left alone instead of me holding her? I go back to work next week and I feel like it's been a waste of maternity leave.  Have I not paid her enough attention?  One of the main reasons we kept Teagan at school was so I could have one on one time with Kyra.  So I could bond with her.  I feel like a failure right now.  Sure, it could just be her personality.  She could prefer laying down and settling herself to sleep.  Josh figured that out a month ago and so we've laid her down at night basically awake and swaddled and in a few minutes she's a sleep.  Even if that is the case I feel like it's my fault.  I feel like the postpartum depression sucked my bond with Kyra out from under me.  Those important few weeks of her life were screwed up by me.  I didn't do what I should have emotionally as a Mommy of a new baby and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt.  It breaks my heart.   

Trial run.

Since I've been on maternity leave my parents have been picking up Teagan from "school" and bringing her home.  Not only have we appreciated it but they've loved it.  They eat up any time they can have with Teagan and Kyra. 
They're unable to pick up sweet Teagan this week and so it's Mommy and Kyra who will do the picking up. We're using it as a trial run.  Seeing as I go back to work in, HOLY COW, 2 more Mondays we need to figure out how it's going to work.  Figuring out which side is better for Teagan to be on. How I'm going to man handle a carrier and probably a toddler all while signing them out with that third hand I grew during my pregnancy.  Luckily Kyra will be staying with my mom for a few weeks before she goes to "school" but there lies another problem.  Who will I drop off first? That is going to depend on Kyra's feeding schedule as we try to do as little bottle feeding as possible.  But, we'll worry about the dropping off part when we get there, did I mention that was in 2 Mondays!?  I can't wait to pick up Teagan with Kyra today.  Teagan loves showing off her baby sister and hopefully will be equally excited to see me too!