I have a bottle fed baby.

I did an update a week or so ago and included with it how Kyra was now a bottle fed baby and I sold my pump.  I said there would be an explanation.  Honestly, there isn't much of one. I've felt a flood of emotions about it.  From anger, to hurt, to bitterness, to frustration, to jealousy, to acceptance, to sucking it up and getting over it. There are times when I see other mom's feeding their baby that I feel a twinge of guilt and I have to blink back tears.  That should be me. I should be feeding Kyra that way.  I can honestly say I went down with a fight.  It was not for lack of trying by any means.  There was nothing else I could do.
We went to Kyra's four month check up and she hadn't gained enough weight.  She'd dropped below the threshold (20th percentile) and they were concerned so we decided to come back in a month.  She and I had been struggling, as I've talked about before, to the point of tears and exhaustion at every feeding.  The doctor confirmed my fears and so we started pushing the bottle more.  We made it to four and a half months of just breast milk.  But, I was so determined she wouldn't have to use formula that I was pumping to the point I made myself bleed.  Not just a little mind you, it was pretty substantial.
My friend, Meghan, called me on it.  Breastfeeding, giving Kyra breast milk was quickly becoming an idol for me.  It was all I could think about.  I was letting so much other stuff go just so I could give Kyra breast milk.  Some would call that doing the best for Kyra.  Others called me crazy.  I will admit now, and had to admit then, that I had reached that proverbial line in the sand and jumped across it. I had to decrease what I was doing because honestly, I was sacrificing too much and it wasn't worth it.  I was hurting myself physically and emotionally and sacrificing precious time WITH Kyra and Teagan and Josh.  After a little while my body gave up.  It realized it wasn't Kyra at my breast but a measly pump.  After a few weeks my milk was gone and we ran out of our freezer supply.  Now, she is a formula fed baby.   I broke out in HIVES the day I realized we would have to put her on formula.  I cried crocodile tears on the day we sold the pump.
I know she won't grow an extra arm.  I know she is going to be just as smart as her sister.  I know she is developmentally on target and growing like a weed.  Like she should.  Sometimes it still hurts though.  In the middle of the night when she can't go back to sleep; I know if I could just put her to my breast she would settle in a mere minute and fall right back to sleep.  Now, we have to give her an entire bottle before she will settle down.  I do feel pangs of guilt, like when we're at church and a mom sneaks out to feed her baby while I'm feeding Kyra with a bottle during the sermon.  I feel envious when other moms talk about their babies wanting to be at the breast all the time.  I am sure it's a little frustrating for them, but I can only wish that was me complaining.  Then there is the fact that I breastfed Teagan for an entire year.  I almost feel like I've done Kyra an injustice.  Like she isn't getting the things Teagan got because I wasn't able to do the same for her.
There are upsides that I have tried to focus on.  Teagan has fed Kyra, Josh gets to feed her more often.  We've been able to leave both girls at my parents for a night.  Feedings are good now for Kyra and I at night.  We snuggle up in the rocking chair, she buries the side of her head close to my chest and drinks the bottle while we stare at each other and I smile.  That is how a feeding should be.  That is how ours are now.  No more circus act.  No more acrobatics trying to keep her latched.  It's peaceful.  It's calm.  It's a good experience instead of a frustrating one.  It is exactly how our time should be together.

4 months.

I think we have seen the biggest change in Kyra over the last few weeks.  Her personality is really starting to evolve.  Her face lights up when Teagan, Daddy or Mommy come into the room and especially when we talk directly to her.  When Teagan is sitting or laying down next to her she roles over on her side just to see her better.  It is adorable and of course Teagan just eats it up!

We went to the doctor for her well check and 4 month shots and she did excellent.  She didn't cry except for the minute or two after she got her shots and then she was just fine!  So fine she fell asleep.  She was 24 inches long but only 12lbs 2oz...that means she has only gained a pound a month since she was born.  She was in the 20th percentile weight wise but the 46th percentile height wise.  Dr. B and I decided Kyra would come back in March for a weight check.  We're still keeping the appointment but we had to go back to the doctor with Kyra the Friday of her well check and she'd gained 6 oz in a week (more on that later). 

Kyra is in a size 2 diaper and I have a feeling she will be in size 2 for a while.  We have started using cloth diapers at night now.  They look hilarious on her though because she is so little!

Kyra recently started sleeping unswaddled.  I thought it was going to be a rough transition but she has rocked it.  She started breaking out, getting frustrated and getting upset about a week ago so we decided to start the sleep sack. She has actually slept a little longer unswaddled.  We also have been putting her in her crib awake since she was a month and a half (she didn't like to be cuddled) and she would put herself to sleep.  I thought that was partly because of the swaddle.  We've done the same thing with her in the sleep sack we just lay a hand on her stomach for a few minutes and she's good to go!  She has been sleeping from 7:15ish-5-6ish in the morning.

Kyra is still in 3 month clothes but can wear some 3-6 month onesies.  I think she is going down the same path Teagan did size wise so I hope that will play in our favor in regards to not having to buy a lot of new clothes. 

She is doing really well at "school".  She, like Teagan is one of the few favorites.  She is really easy going and laid back.  I think that is part her personality and part she has to put up with her big sister and has just learned to go with the flow through her temper tantrums.  So, a crying baby isn't going to bother her too much. 

Kyra doesn't "talk" quite as much as Teagan did at this age.  She talks a lot when she and I or she and Josh have her one on one but if Teagan is in the room she just usually lays back and watches her instead of trying to compete.  I have a feeling that will change as she gets older. Kyra Mae might just give Teagan a run for her money. 

Kyra is now bottle fed for every feeing except the first feeding of the morning.  Sadly, I think that might be replaced with a bottle soon too.  Feedings just weren't going well for the two of us and that effected my supply to the point she wasn't getting enough.  I continue to pump at work about every hour and a half but I am starting to get less and less.  She has taken to the formula well and we will continue to do half and half as long as we can.  I do have to admit the feedings at night have been so much better now that I'm giving her a bottle.  She snuggles in and gets sleey vs. when we were nursing and I was rocking and bobbing and squatting and...well, everything but standing on my head.  It is now a bonding experience instead of a frustrating one.  I am sad and sometimes get angry at my body for "failing" me but for the most part I have had to accept it an move on.  We did the very best we could.  Like, you have no idea what we did to try and keep breastfeeding...whew.

We will probably start solids around the 5 month mark because that is when we started Teagan on them.  She hasn't started looking longingly at our food just yet at the table so we'll wait and see when that happens! 

We are all ready for the next chapter in this adventure of a family of four!! We are really looking forward to the weather getting consistenly warm so we can throw down a blanket in the front yard and have dinner or take a walk sans blanket before time for bed.  Warm weather, hurry please!

3mths

We're a few days late on this post but life with 2 is crazy!

Weight-12.1 lbs
Height-25 inches long. Yeah, you read that right. My 3mth old is 25 inches LONG!
Diapers-still in size 1

*still hates to be wet and has started a more then crazy pooping schedule (that one is for you, Manda Nan).  Her current record is 13 days with no poop. For a breastfed baby it's "normal" so, no real worries.

*loves looking at the light and at fans and all things shiny.  Her favorite thing to look at and watch is Teagan though.  She loves her big sister.

*kyra isn't much of a talker.  She has a tendency to be a quiet little observer but oh boy, when she has an opinion we all hear about it!

*even though she doesn't talk a whole lot her smiling makes up for it.  She shares those gummy smiles with us all the time.  It makes us all melt. 

*the hiccups have finally started letting up.  Now we're down to a few times a week instead a few time a day.

*loves taking baths.  She really loves playing with Teagan.  I can't imagine what she is going to be like when she can be in the real bathtub and not in the baby bath IN the big tub.

*has started rolling to her sides.  I still swaddle her at night but I have a feeling when we stop swaddling her she will be a side sleeper.

*kyra still HATES the car seat.  The ride home most days are off the chain.

*she has finally taken to her paci. THANK YOU LORD.

*she eats anywhere from 3-5 hours (usually 3) during the day.  She is sleeping 9-11 hours at night but we're hitting our first official growth spurt so there is a little break in the consistent sleeping pattern but I think we'll be back to normal soon. 

*kyra is still a champion cat napper.

*her head control gets better and better everyday.  When pulled up from a sitting position she keeps her head steady.

*nursing has had its ups and downs.  I think the whole only pooping  7-14 days plays a part.  For about 3-4 days after she poops she rocks the nursing but as we go on the feedings get worse.  I have to walk and dance around just to keep her latched.  We have a call into a lactation consultant. I will not give up without a fight.

We are continuing to adjust to our new normal.  Most days it feels like Kyra has always been in our lives.  That is how perfectly she fits into our family. 

Hands that explore.

I've talked about how frustrating breastfeeding has been at times this go 'round.  And sometimes it is but there are moments when I don't want to be anywhere in the world except right there in that rocking chair in Kyra's room feeding her.  I rocked and fed Teagan in that same chair and I hope my girls will be able to do the same with their children. 
Here lately, Kyra has found her hands. She loves to explore with them.  She especially loves to explore with them while she is eating.  We are truly coming in to my favorite few months of breastfeeding.  The moments where time stops and we can enjoy each other.  Just the two of us.  

As Kyra eats her hands gently explore.  Sometimes she grabs ahold of my shirt and hangs on the entire session; demanding my undivided attention.  Sometimes she sweetly rubs my back letting me know she is calm and comfortable.  Sometimes she decides I need to sing and she starts directing my music.  Sometimes she pretends her hands are birds that are flying all over the room just waiting on her to get done so she can play with them. 

Slowly but surely breastfeeding is becoming sweet and calming and full of sweetness for me and my sweet Kyra.  We're taking it day by day.

Working and Breastfeeding. The basics.

Let's just get real...working full time and trying to breastfeed is hard.  Somehow we get it done.  Here are a few things that have made it easier on me.

First off, I am lucky enough to have an office to myself.  One where I can close the door and close the blinds and nobody sees me.  That definitely makes for easier pumping.  So, I unfortunately don't have any tips for bathroom pumping.
I have a Medela electric pump.  This has helped too.  It makes for quicker let down and quicker "emptying".  This means overall quicker pumping time.
I wear easy to pump in clothes.  I wear clothes I would nurse in partially because I also feed Kyra on my lunch break.  Button down shirts over nursing tanks work wonders. 
I breathe and relax WHILE the pump is doing it's thing.  It doesn't help for me to really relax before I attach the pump to my breast.  If I start slowly breathing and imagining Kyra while the pump starts then the letdown is quicker.
I have a paper towel or a small hand towel ready.  I wipe while removing the pump funnel.  This prevents leakage on my shirt or bra that screams "I JUST PUMPED" to the world. 
Bring an extra set of nursing pads and leave them in your pump pack.  This way you can change them after pumping so you don't have to worry about yeast infection, etc from wet pads.
I drink at least 12oz of water AFTER I pump to replenish myself and make sure I don't dehydrate.
I also take the herb Fenugreek at night before I go to bed.  I ran this by my OB and lactation consultant before I did this so if you want to try it, make sure you run it by yours too.

Lastly, and most importantly, don't sweat it.  With Teagan I stressed so much over not having enough milk.  As she got older and as the weeks after maternity leave went by I started getting a little less while pumping.  My body was getting use to her needs and I was basically forcing it to stay on task.  At 9 months we'd ran out of extra supply and I was literally pumping for the next day.  Then that wasn't enough and we had to supplement an ounce or two a day.  It killed me.  It shouldn't have.  This time, if that happens, I won't stress about it.  Teagan didn't grow an extra limb and neither will Kyra.  Letting myself off the hook has really helped this go 'round.

Do you have any breastfeeding and working tips?  If so, share them with me! I'm sure other Mama's would love to hear them too!

When in need of Vitamin C use your toddlers on the go pouches.

We've all got the "snots" in my house and a sick Mommy, especially a breastfeeding Mommy, is one who has to suck it up and pray she doesn't get super sick. 
In order to not get super sick I am trying to up my vitamin C intake and push the fluids (ie- water, chicken noodle soup and refraining from milk for now).  I decided to make a smoothie today and in order to increase my vitamin load up I put in one of Teagan's Ella's Kitchen pouches.  The parsnips, apples and carrots pouch to be exact.  Honestly I don't know if I've ever had a parsnip in my life but if they always taste like that then bring it on!!

This is the recipe for my smoothie concoction.
ice
half a pouch of Ella's Kitchen carrot, apple, parsnip (it's a three in one)
a forth of a cup of frozen fresh blueberries
a forth of a cup of Bolthouse Farms "Hawaiian Holiday" juice
two splashes of Almond Milk
pulse in a blender or in my case a Magic Bullet
drink & enjoy

If you'd like to try this smoothie for yourself we are giving away some Ella's Kitchen goodness on the blog! Only 3 more days to enter! The giveaway ends on January 2nd! Here are the details.

Rough night turned revelation.

Yesterday was pretty productive but to be frank, last night was hell.  Everything was going smoothly until it was time to put Kyra to bed.  She'd just woken up from a little cat nap on her daddy around the usual time she goes down.  I figured I might as well take her upstairs to feed her and put her down.  She thought differently.  After changing her diaper and getting her latched on she started to squirm. She was hungry and still tired.  Those two factors do not equal a happy baby or a happy mommy.  After about 15 minutes Josh came upstairs and took her from me to see if he could get her calmed down.  His calmness and old soul never fail to come in handy. 
He calmed Kyra down and insisted I tell him what I was feeling right. that. second.  After stewing a little longer I explained how frustrated I was with breastfeeding Kyra.  How it was always a struggle.  How I was over it but I would trudge on.  He stared straight through my wall of frustration into my eyes and told me I didn't have to do it.  That we would formula feed and he would go get a bottle of breast milk now.  I sat there rocking with my knees against my chest feeling my frustration slowly melt away.  I remembered how much I wanted to breastfeed.  I remembered that it was the best thing possible for Kyra.  How honestly, it was the best thing for our budget.  I remembered I was breastfeeding because I wanted to. Not because my husband expected it or demanded it from me (because he doesn't, obviously).  The relief of knowing Kyra won't grow an extra leg if I were to want to stop breastfeeding.  All of that took the pressure off. 
Kyra was calm and Josh handed her back to me.  She latched on, got comfortable and ate like the champ she is.

 

Breastfeeding the second time around.

It was easy peesey at first.  Kyra latched beautifully and the only issue was keeping her awake long enough to nurse the recommended 15 on each side.  The older she gets the more difficult it becomes.  When we got home from the hospital we started getting into our own little groove.  Her stomach couldn't hold/wouldn't hold more then 10 minutes of straight nursing.  This became her norm. This became a blessing and a curse all at the same time.  Kyra got a full belly, I got to go back to bed sooner but my girls started adjusting to her 10 minute feedings.  Problem number 1.
Obviously she's growing, baby girl gained 2 lbs and an inch and a quarter in a month.  Something isn't quite right with our nursing though.  I'm not sure if it's being distracted by Teagan, her surroundings are starting to get to her or she wants more but she just isn't used to staying on longer then 10 minutes.  Honestly, I have no idea what's going on.  She nurses fine for about 7 minutes and then starts to get restless.  I make sure to burp her so there aren't any big bubbles preventing her from nursing to her full potential but that hasn't seemed to help.  I know I can't force her to eat.  Trust me. That is NOT happening. She will clamp down tight and shake her sweet little head from side to side in blatant refusal.  Problem number 2.
I go back to work in a few weeks and Kyra will be taking a bottle.  I'm actually concerned she's going to go one of two ways with it.  Either she is going to flat out refuse to take a bottle or she's going to love it and prefer it over the breast. Problem number 3.  Unfortunately the first one is the worst of the two evils.  I can't just not go to work because she won't take a bottle.  I'm not really sure what would happen at that point.  So, I'm pretty nervous about it.  The lesser of the two evils is that she prefers the bottle to the breast.  If that becomes the case then I will pump like a crazy person and give her breast milk as long as I can. 
Honestly, I'm not as freaked out about the formula as I was with Teagan.  I've already told Josh if something goes wrong or if we have to supplement with formula then I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  Teagan had to supplement some during the last 3-4 mths and she didn't grow an arm out of her head. 
I do hope to breastfeed Kyra a year like I did with Teagan.  Even though I've been through this once with Teagan, every baby is different.  Any suggestions from those more experienced then me?