Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Passing it on.

Having children is a miracle in itself.  Just the amount of things that have to line up for a woman to get pregnant blows my mind.  Every single detail has to be perfect. Each time I've seen that word "PREGNANT" the moment has taken my breath away.  Then the flood of worry starts to overcome me.  What am I going to pass on to this child?
I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I very rarely drink (obviously not at all during pregnancy/nursing).  I eat healthy.  I take my prenatal vitamins. I exercise. I don't eat deli-meat and I stop myself from eating cookie dough.  I do all the "right things".  It's not those things I worry about. 
I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in college and struggled with it many years before and a few years after my diagnosis.  I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in college and struggled with it for almost 7 years total.  I was diagnosed with a mathmatical learning disability and some other little stuff in college.  Am I going to pass this on to my children? Are they going to have to suffer with depression that grabs a hold of them to the point they can't breathe? Are my children going to start counting calories in their head or try to survive on water, diet coke and raw vegetables or throw up the "normal" food? Are my children going to hate themselves so much that they will write what they hate on their bodies or try and harm themselves? Are my children going to feel like they have to get by on their personalities because they can't do fractions or percentages?  Are they going to feel stupid because their best friends are the "smart kids" and yet they can't keep up with them even though they share the label?
It pains me that there is a possibility that my children will struggle with these things.  The fact that I might pass on these horrible things to these innocent children who have no say so in it.  The memories of my feelings occasionally haunt me now.  I sometimes still go to that dark place and have to claw my way out of it because I refuse to let it pull me all the way in.  Will my children have to fight as hard as I did?  I do worry that these are things that will be passed on.

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