It lasted a month.

We made it a month before the jealousy started.  My poor sweet Teagan wants her mommy. me. all the time.  Occasionally Mamaw will do but for the most part Teagan wants my undivided attention.  It rips me apart.  It's been a little hard to adjust my mindset to the fact that there are two sweet girls that need my attention now not just one.  I find myself occasionally trying to take them both on at the same time.  One on one hip and the other in the crook of my other arm.  It's exhausting and frustrating all at the same time. 
My sweet husband tries to help but right now it's hard and I know frustrating for him.  I am Kyra's main caregiver right now basically because I provide her with nutrition and she's with me during the day and night so she favors me.  Teagan is realizing she doesn't always have my undivided attention and that is something she wants back so she only wants me right now.  My heart hurts when I see Teagan kicking and screaming for me when Josh is trying to comfort her.  I see hurt in his eyes and my heart breaks for him.  It will be better soon, it's just something Teagan is going to have to go through but it doesn't make it any easier on him right now.  I know how hard it's been for me the times she's been with just me and screams for her daddy.  It breaks my heart so I know his is breaking too.
Thankfully, this jealousy has not turned into resentment towards Kyra.  Teagan still loves on Kyra and wants to hold her hand and kiss and hug her.  We pray this is how it remains.  That Teagan will not hold resentment (in her toddler way) towards her sister. 
We have definitely come through the "honeymoon phase" of having 2 under 2 and now reality is kicking in.  We don't regret having Kyra in ANY WAY but we are now beginning the real learning process of how we are going to live with this new normal of ours.  Thankfully we have an amazing support system.  I know this will work itself out. It's just surviving the working itself out part.

Step Back.

Have you ever just taken a step back and watched? I try to do this on occasion with Josh and Teagan.  When I do I am never disappointed and I always seem to be amazed at what I am looking at.  I have seen my husband change so much over the last few years of us becoming man and wife.  I have seen even more change in him as he has become a father. A daddy.  He has an old soul that comes with a calmness I can only strive for.  He is driven by purpose and a strong need to provide for his family. For me, Teagan and Baby Bear. As Teagan gets older his and her bond get stronger and stronger.  I see a new light in his eyes that never seems to waiver.  It began when he carefully and gently held her for the first time. She was his.  Forever.  With Teagan it is almost as if Josh has a new sense of purpose for his life.  Every bone in my body believes he would go to the ends of the earth and back for her.  I wouldn't want it any other way. 

And Teagan. Oh my sweet Teagan. She loves her daddy with such a sweet innocence that sometimes it's almost surreal.  She knows her daddy's voice, his footsteps and the sound of his car pulling into the garage.  The light in her eyes when she hears the creak of the kitchen door often brings tears to my eyes.  She knows Daddy is home.

As bittersweet as time passing is I still feel a curious anxiety for the time to come.  I anxiously await being able to step back and see just how the bond of father-daughter grows. How their love for each other defies the odds.  No matter what they might be.

Wordless Wednesday