Marathon.

So, it's happening.  I'm officially training for my first marathon.  Right now I don't have a job and I have a lot of down time on my hands.  So instead of sitting around and doing nothing and getting more depressed during the time I'm looking for a job I decided it's time to finally run a marathon.
I am following the Hal Higdon's 18 week Novice plan.  I decided to start off with the beginners so that I reduce the possibility of injury.  My marathon is in 25 weeks but the training suggests a taper so it should work well.
I am not only running to kill time and get healthy.  I am also running to raise money to find a cure and awareness about SMA.
I've written about sweet Getty, one of Teagan's two pen pals once or twice (okay, more, but those are some more informative ones).  When I ran the half marathon I ran and raised over $600 for the Getty Owl Foundation.  My goal for the marathon is to double that.  If you'd like to donate you can do so here.
I will be talking about my progress on here occasionally. Different experiences with gear and runs and gels and all that goes along with training.  I'm looking and desperately needing new shoes, I am looking at watches, and a new knee brace (stupid IT band).  I'll keep you posted on those things as the time comes for them.
I will also be putting together a sponsorship package.  If you have a company that you would like to get some social media attention and a spot on my marathon shirt (it's a boston qualifier) then keep looking back here for more information.

The scale.

I've had a struggle with weight most of my teenage and adult life.  I've never been classified as overweight medically.  I've really technically never been overweight, although there have been significant times in my life where even at my smallest I felt as if I weighed 8,000 pounds.  In my struggles with my weight I swore to Josh that when Teagan got old enough to get on the scale we would no longer have a scale.  We've reached that point.  It makes me anxious to my core.
This morning after I weighed myself Teagan started "Teagan do it! Teagan do it!".  I let her stand on the scale, because at this point she doesn't really know what it does.  She just knows that when she stands on it numbers pop up.  After her numbers popped up she looked at me with her inquisitive toddler face and I told her the scale said she was super healthy!  She smiled, got off and then wandered off to our bedroom. 
 I think the time has come to retire the scale.  Honestly, I think it is going to be the equivalent of what I felt when we went skydiving.  Terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.  Maybe liberating is more the word.  I will not live with my ankle tied to that scale ever again.  Neither will Teagan and Kyra.  They will grow up surrounded with positive thoughts and with a focus on healthy bodies.  I will grow up surrounded with positive thoughts and a focus on a healthy body.  
So, the scale is gone. Goodbye, scale.

New Years Resolution #2

My first resolution was to read a book a month.  So far I've accomplished 1/12 of my goal.  I finished reading Wicked and I'm going to start my second book of the year after this week. 
My second resolution is to get healthier. Mind. Body. Soul.
In years past I have wanted to lose weight, some times at any cost.  In years past I have vowed to go down a size in clothes.  I've declared I'm going to read my Bible more. I've declared I'm going to have more quiet time.  There are so many things I was just determined to do but for all the wrong reasons.  I've wanted to to them for vain reasons.  I wanted to look good. I wanted to be skinnier. I wanted to be better for Me, Me, Me.  It had nothing to do with health.  Obviously, vanity is not the best foundation for anything and so most of those attempts have failed.  This year my goal stems from wanting to be healthy. 
I've decided to look at it in a whole new light.  I want to be a healthy and confident woman.  I want to be genuinely okay with the way I look.  How I think and who I am.  I want to set an example for Teagan.  For the woman I want her to grow up with and look up to as she becomes a woman.  My aim this year is to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman.  For those of you who don't know the reference just crack open your Bible or Google Proverbs 31 vs. 10-31 and take a minute to read it.  To sum up the idea of the Proverbs 31 woman she serves her God, her family and her friends while being able to clean the house and cook a good meal and manage the household.  To be quite honest it sounds a little daunting but I think it's more about priorities.  I think if my priorities are in order then the rest just kind of falls into place.
Here are a few comparisons of the Proverbs 31 woman and how I pledge to put them into play:

The Proverbs 31 woman's husband finds her capable and he is fully confident in her.  She encourages her husband and loves him.
*my pledge is to encourage my husband more daily.  to think about what I say before I say it and remember that what I say has more meaning to him then I sometimes admit.  just because I've had a bad day doesn't mean I should bring it home and take it out on him.
The Proverbs 31 woman is a hard worker.  She makes meals for her family that are healthy and good for them.  She makes wise decisions for her family in her purchasing and homemaking.
*my pledge is to continue to find ways to bring healthy food into our home.  since Teagan is eating more table food I have be sure to bring in healthy to continue her incredible food intake.  I pledge to make wiser decisions in the money that I am responsible for.  I have a tendency to see the word sale and instantly want to buy, buy, buy.  I pledge to cut more coupons and be more conscience when it comes to spending our money. 
The Proverbs 31 woman is a giver to others that are not just family.
*we are working on this.  we want to instill the value of giving in Teagan but I pledge to increase our volunteer and giving tendencies too.  I also take this as keeping up and maintaining friendships.  I don't want to let my friendships fall in the cracks. So, I pledge to nurture new and old friendships of mine.
The Proverbs 31 woman is a sewer and a clothes maker.
*this is one aspect of the Proverbs 31 woman that I'm not planning on attempting to be like.  Sewing is not my forte and it only frustrates me and makes all those other things not happen or at least not happen happily so we're pushing the sewing aspect aside. For now at least.
The Proverbs 31 woman loves her God, cares for her family and her friends.  She is a woman that her husband admires and her children respect.
*I want to set my priorities in order.  I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. 

The Proverbs 31 woman is somebody who carries herself like a woman should.  She didn't worry about her fashion being the latest or most expensive but she looked fashionable anyway.  Her thoughts were doing for others and not selfishly doing for herself or doing things with herself in mind.  My resolution is to take this woman and look at her as an example of how I should be and how I want others to see me.  I want to be strong. I want to be confident. I want to be healthy. Mind. Body. Soul. 
      

Appalled.

My first reaction was to tilt my head to the left, raise my eyebrown and kind of crinkle up the right side of my face. All in confusion. Then my confusion turned to disgust. Then my disgust turned to out right anger and I couldn't hold it in any longer so I had to let it out. I'm probably a month or so behind on hearing about this but I chose to still comment on it. The store Urban Outfitters (I'm not even linking them) put out a shirt that says "EAT LESS". I had to see it for myself so I googled it and found a few articles and a few pictures. I cannot tell you exactly what I felt when I saw the picture of the shirt. I began to cry. I began to shake. My stomach turned into knots. And I just sat there, quietly crying, with a tsunami of memories taking over my being.
Not a lot of you know my story. To be truthful nobody knows all of it. Some know bits and pieces but my husband is the only one who comes close to knowing the entirety of it. I suffered with an eating disorder for 6 years. It went undetected or at least unconfronted for almost 5 1/2. I was nowhere near the scary skin and bones pictures that are on the billboards and discovery channel documentaries but I was sick. I was incredibly sick. My mind and my body were taken over by the disease. I use to draw the word "FAT" on myself with markers and stare at myself in the mirror for hours. I used to take freezing cold showers when I head eaten too much. I used pinch my "fat" to the point of bruising my skin. The eating disorder almost took my life. I will share that story some other time. With the eating disorder came severe clinical depression, insomnia and OCD tendencies. For a lot of sufferers these all go hand in hand so those things are not abnormal. There are still days, fewer and farther between, that I think "I just ate ____, I'm too full and I need to throw it up" or "I feel so full. I hate feeling full."
In all honesty, I was scared to get pregnant because I was worried about what the weight gain would do to my well being but pregnant actually changed my entire mindset and helped me get completely healthy. Having another human be completely dependent on you quickly changes your mindset. I think breast feeding Teagan has been extremely helpful in preventing a relapse because I know if I don't eat and get the nutrients I need then neither does she. I have imagined how easy it would be to slip back into that dark place to lose the baby weight but I refused to because Teagan's needs are greater then my want to be the skinny girl.
Thankfully, pregnancy has shown me that I am no longer a girl. I am a woman. I have curves. I have girl parts that have come in quite handy providing nutrition to my sweet girl for 9 months now. I will never be flat chested. I will never be able to shrink my hips. I'll admit there are days when I want to be flat chested and shaped like my husband (a stick) and then other days I like to figure out how to rock my curves in an appropriate manner.
When I saw the t-shirt in question my heart ached for Teagan. She already has a history of eating disorders and depression to fight. I ache at the thought she will have to go up against the same billboards, same messages, same pictures that her mom did. Possibly even worse. I vowed to get healthy not only for me but for her. I want her to grow up in a home where HEALTH is the focus. Not weight. Not inches. Not looks. I want her to be a kid. She will not be in makeup before she is in high school ( a little nail polish and playing dress up is fine). She will not wear shorts and skirts up to her rear end (no matter how long her Reid legs might be) with the excuse that everything is too short because Grandma can fix that little problem. Once she gets old enough to step on a scale ours will be thrown out. Weight and inches will not be something that is focused on. I'm not going to ban magazines and fashion because she will have to learn to deal with those things but she will learn in an open and structured and ask anything kind of environment. I know I can't protect her from it but I can make sure she focuses on being healthy and not just being skinny.
Even though it was the darkest time in my life I learned a lot from it. In reading and trying to find hints for myself at the time I learned also what to look for. I learned the early signs. I learned different tricks on how to hide it. At this point I look back and I'm thankful for that aspect of it because I know what to look for. I know the numerous amount of tricks and excuses. I also know that early intervention is key.
If you get anything from this entry I want it to be the idea of education and being proactive. Parents, teachers, friends & family. Educate yourselves. This has been a problem for YEARS and it's not going away anytime soon. Know the signs. The signs are starting as early as 5 YEARS OLD. Talk healthy body image to your kids (girls AND boys).

I've included some resources if you're curious.

NEDA
Eating disorder treatment
Kids Health



If you want to see/read about the shirt go here & here.