Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,

There is so much running through my mind right now that I want to tell you so you will remember it forever.  There are big changes coming your way in a few months with Baby Bear coming into to picture "officially".  I want you to know my love for you is not going to change.  You are my first baby.  You are the first one that made me realize how expansive my heart can actually be.  You've made me realize that I am capable of loving and tending to another human being.  That it's okay to mess up every once in a while because we are constantly learning.  Both you and I.  You've help me see the world with a child like innocence that I lost years ago.  The joy you find in the smallest things sometimes overwhelms me and brings me to tears.  I find myself missing you throughout the day and still, after 16 months, running into the doors at daycare just to swoop you up and hug you tight.  I cherish every single hug and kiss from you because I know you won't always want to hug and kiss me.  Sometimes you get frustrated at me because I hug you a little longer then you want but know it's because I want to cherish every second I have with you.  It all goes by too quickly and I want to hold on to these moments forever. 
I can already tell you are going to be an amazing big sister.  You kiss my belly without question.  You cuddle up to my belly and snuggle in close.  It's almost as if you sense that your brother or sister is in there.  You've even tried to brush Baby Bear's teeth.  I can only imagine the things you are going to teach Baby Bear.  Some of them good and some of them mischievous. 
You have such a sweet spirit about you.  You love to explore.  You are such a strong willed child and to be honest I hope you keep that strong will.  It might be a little challenging as the years go on but a strong will is not a bad thing to have.  I hope nobody ever breaks you will, Little Bear.  You are becoming more and more aware of the things going on around you.  You even know when we get on the road "school" is on.  You love school and playing with your friends.  I love to see the excitement on your face when you see that big building out the window.  It makes me just as excited as you when we pull in.  Seeing your face light up when your daddy gets home is priceless as well.  I've always been excited to see your daddy walk through the door but seeing it from your perspective puts a whole new spin on it.  You've learned the opening of the garage and the hum of his diesel engine.  You know the shutting of the car door and the squeak of the kitchen door.  Your eyes light up like it's Christmas morning. Every. Single. Time. It makes my heart smile.  I can't even imagine how quickly it melts your daddy's heart as you run to greet him with open arms.  He loves you more then you'll ever know, Little Bear.  You've changed us both.  We are better people since we've been blessed with you. 
Even as I type this my eyes fill up with tears.  The over emotion of growing another blessing inside me on top of how much love I have for you sometimes overwhelms me and I just have to stop and remember to breathe. 
The next few months, I'm going to be tired and I'm going to get bigger.  I'm not going to be able to play as long outside as I can now.  I might even have to sit down after running after you.  Just know. I will always play with you. I will always be sitting there watching you in amazement.  I will do my very best to still fly you around in my arms and "drop" you on the couch to steal tickles and kisses.  I promise to keep my pregancy hormones in check when both of us are getting frustrated and start to cry.  I promise to snuggle and hug you anyway I can when my belly is the size of a giant watermelon.  I promise to continue to tuck you in at night even if Daddy has to be the one to place you in your crib because I can't lean over it anymore.  Even when Baby Bear comes we will still say your night night prayers and read a story.  I will still tell you how much we love you and you will still say "night night Backyard" as we close the blinds for the night.  A lot of things will change in our house but I promise that we will still have our time.  I made that promise to you when you were in my belly and I make it again.  Baby Bear is not replacing you.  Baby Bear is coming to be with you.  We will still be a family.  We will just be a family of four. 

I love you to the moon and back.
Forever & Always,
Mommy