Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Anxiety

Lately I've become anxious about how Baby Bear is going to come into this world. 
Ever since I had my unplanned c-section with Teagan I have vowed to have a VBAC with my next one.  Now as the due date has approached I wonder if it's just a far fetched dream?  Satan really got into my head yesterday and rocked my world.  I am so thankful for a God who blessed me with a husband and friends who could talk me down from the proverbial ledge. 
When I found out I had to have a c-section with Teagan I was just ready to have her in my arms.  The disappointment of not being able to "have her" was not instantaneous, it came when I got pregnant again.  It brought out the "what if I just can't deliver a baby" questions.  There have been many times during this pregnancy when I have felt like it wasn't going to happen how I wanted.  The there have been times where I felt to my core that I am going to rock a VBAC (if I go into labor that is).
Right now I'm in the in between state of mind.  I want this baby to come out healthy.  I believe I can rock a VBAC but I have my anxieties about it.  I still carry the "she's too big" statements in my head I heard with Teagan.  They claim this baby is smaller then Teagan but what if Baby Bear isn't small enough?  I keep imagining the size of my pelvis and birth canal vs. Baby Bear and wonder How?  I was so confident with the idea of labor/delivery with Teagan but my view has been somewhat tainted since then. 
I will hold on prayerfully until the morning I get rolled into the OR with Josh at my side that I can have my wish of a VBAC.  After that I will be prayerful and thankful we have a happy and healthy baby and mommy.  In the end that is all really matters anyway...