Tuesday, October 25, 2011

There is an end in sight...

I know I should be excited about Thursday and I AM but I will also have a slight sense of disappointment if we make it to Thursday.  We have a scheduled c-section for Thursday morning.  I will finally be holding the sweet babe that has been in my belly for more then 9 months in my arms.  For that I am beyond ecstatic and couldn't be happier. 
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever.  A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family.  I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me.  Selfish or not I can't help it.  I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality.  I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies.  It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body. 
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly.  I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them.  With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited.  After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor.  They stopped about 10 minutes later.  I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break.  Nothing else happened.  So, of course I woke up this morning defeated.  I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital.  Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this.  I have had a healthy pregnancy.  We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what.  I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away.  I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.