I know I should be excited about Thursday and I AM but I will also have a slight sense of disappointment if we make it to Thursday. We have a scheduled c-section for Thursday morning. I will finally be holding the sweet babe that has been in my belly for more then 9 months in my arms. For that I am beyond ecstatic and couldn't be happier.
However, if I make it to Thursday that means I never went into labor and my hopes for a VBAC are gone forever. A lot of people might not understand my emotional turmoil about this subject. I know I should be thankful for the pregnancy and the fact that the baby is healthy and I am healthy and we are blessed to have another sweet babe coming into our family. I am thankful for those things. To be quite honest I feel selfish when I think about how upsetting another c-section is for me. Selfish or not I can't help it. I do feel a slight sense of defeat and dysfunctionality. I feel like my body was made to make and carry babies just not delivery them. I am really good at carrying the babies. It's the going into labor and the follow through that seems to be the hard part for my body.
Like last night, around 9:45 I was in the bed doing a word search and all of a sudden CONTRACTIONS! I was so excited. They were kind of strong and started coming regularly. I laid there, breathed and actually enjoyed feeling them. With Teagan I didn't have anything until I was in labor so I got really excited. After about 30 minutes of regular contractions I went down and told Josh he might want to come up and get some rest because I really thought I was in labor. They stopped about 10 minutes later. I had a pretty sleepless night just waiting on another contraction or to feel my water break. Nothing else happened. So, of course I woke up this morning defeated. I really thought I was going to wake up, Josh was going to take Teagan to daycare while I labored and then by the time he got back we would be heading to the hospital. Needless to say I took Teagan to school and I'm doing last minute things for work.
I am trying to be positive about this. I have had a healthy pregnancy. We have a healthy baby who will be here on Thursday no matter what. I know when I hold my sweet babe in my arms and to my breast for that first feeding that all these feelings of defeat will wash away. I just hope those feelings stay away for good and don't surface to interfere with my bonding with Baby Bear.
Don't beat yourself up dear! There are so many out there that can't even carry a baby. Think of it this way, not all of us were meant to run either. I see people jogging down the street and I think that I would love to be able to run. Just go out and workout anywhere I want. Jog along the river, enjoy the crisp mornings. Thing is, I just can't. When I run my body hates me. My knees give out and hurt for months. My body, is just not meant for running. My body is also not meant to push a baby out. Instead of going out the front door, my baby had to come out of a window. But know what, he is just as amazing and I am just as amazing of a woman that I let him have that window to get out of. We all are good at certain things and as women we are so hard on ourselves if we aren't perfect at birthing a child. You are doing a fantastic job mama, so open up that window and give your new baby a big old mama hug....that is something I am certain you are good at.
ReplyDeleteOh I am thinking of ou and praying for you all the time!!
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