Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Baby Blues...7 months later

I've always tried to be pretty honest when writing. This might be one of my most vulnerable posts yet but I have a feeling I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way or will ever feel this way.
I ignorantly thought I had slipped by the baby blues. I didn't. 7 months later they've crept up on me like a burglar in the night. Maybe they've been there all along; bubbling under the surface just waiting to strike an unsuspecting me. Well, they've cracked the surface full on. I'm not suffering from PPD (post partum depression). I don't think it's gotten that bad. I think it might be a mix of baby blues and an identity crisis.
I've lost myself. I've lost my individual identity. I've lost who Rici is or was. Over the last 7 months I've been happy to just be Mommy. Recent weeks have made me wonder where just Rici went. When I was pregnant with Teagan I day dreamed of how balanced I would be as a mommy. I would be an incredible mommy, an exceptional wife, an amazing friend and everything else that I am pulled to be. The last 7 months all I've been is Mommy. I don't even think I've been close to a good wife and I know I've been a mediocre friend. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade Mommyhood for anything. What I'd like to do is find a balance. I've been stuck in a rut and I'm trying to find my way out. I DON'T want to be JUST Rici anymore. I want to be a mommy, a wife and a friend all in one. I want to be good at that and aim for great eventually.

There are a lot of adjustments when you become a mom or a dad. Some adjustments are easy to make because they come naturally and others are not so easy. Adjustments like sleep schedules and the many diaper changes are things that are natural because they HAVE to happen whether you want them to or not. Some adjustments are made naturally and you don't even notice it's happened until somebody comments on it. Some adjustments are made early in the parental process and others are waiting to be made.

Nobody tells you when you are pregnant that your whole world will be rocked. Literally shaken upside down and every way possible. They don't tell you that it will be the best and hardest and sometimes worst time of your life. They don't warn you that if you want to maintain a sense of being a person that you have to work at it. Everybody focuses on the good because they don't want to admit the bad.
Teagan and Josh are my world. Being a mommy has fortunately come fairly easy to me this go round (we're only going for 2 rounds...lol) and I appreciate the blessings. I think to make this even easier I'm going to have to set out time for me. I haven't had a day (even an hour or two) to myself in the last 7 months unless you count work. No, I do not have a horrible husband or horrible family who won't help me, blah blah blah. I have an amazing support system but I won't let them be that. I've taken it all on and won't ask for help or let somebody watch Teagan for an hour or two while I go to the grocery store and that is my fault.
So, here I am, setting a goal. I will try and set out time for myself during the week. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day of sitting in the middle of our bedroom closet reading while Josh plays with Teagan. Who cares if we eat 15 minutes later then normal? I feel like this is a necessary move for a continued healthy and happy family.
If you think me horrible for putting this out there then I'm sorry. I just write what I feel and what is reality in my life. I don't want to sugarcoat because that would be unfair and not what we intend to teach Teagan. So, if you have it all figured out then congratulations and send tips my way but don't judge me or if you do don't tell me because that isn't something I'm going to listen to.