*Caution, jealous, bitter, Mommy vent ahead. Proceed at your own risk.*
Mommy guilt. Jealousy. I'm at least trying to not let it surface too much but occasionally the little booger boils over. Yesterday and today have been awful but I'm trying to keep it under control. Teagan loves school. Absolutely adores her teachers and 90% of the time this is a good thing...until it isn't. She squirms out of my arms to get to her teacher as soon as we get through the door to school. I barely even get a chance to give her a kiss and tell her bye before she is reaching out for her sweet teacher. Here lately she hasn't even wanted to come home. I go in to get her and she doesn't wiggle her legs in excitement like she used to. She doesn't squirm to come get me if she is in somebody's arms. Instead of crawling to me she either ignores me or gives me a "hi, whatever Mom" smile and continues to play. As much as I don't like seeing her cry I selfishly could use a "don't go, Mommy" cry or whimper or SOMETHING every now and then. And I really miss the "Oooo! Ooooo! Mommy's here" excitement and squeals because honestly, it made my day. I literally rush toward the "school" door in almost a sprint in order to get to her and then when I get there she could care less that I'm there. Some days I really think she would rather go home with her teacher. I know it's normal, I know she's growing up, I know I should be glad that she likes school this much and I know I should be glad she is this comfortable with her teachers, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know all that. My head and my heart are two different organs for a reason. One is reasonable the other is emotional. Sometimes one trumps the other and these last two days my heart has been champion. My feelings have been so hurt and they have been putting yucky thoughts into my head like:
It's no wonder she wants to stay at school. They are practically raising her since you work 8 hrs. a day and don't feed her at lunch anymore. Ms. Haley, Ms. Alice and Ms. Judy don't get frustrated at her like you sometimes do. Her teachers don't have to tell her no as often so she likes them better. Her friends are at school and there is nobody at home to really play with because sometimes you're too busy doing "grown-up things" to give her all of your attention. She sees her teachers more then she sees you. You could be a stranger compared to them. She is going to learn how to do all sorts of things without you because you work full time. You're not a good mommy because you can't stay home or is it because you won't stay home? Could you really handle staying at home with her all the time? Would you give her all the attention she needs or would you ignore her and do the grown-up things? Maybe you're not cut out for this but it's a little late now. She's really better off at "school" then she is all day with you.
Now, as you can see these things will eat and eat at a person's soul. Some days I'm okay but other days those thoughts just eat at me. Little comments like "she was ready to go back to her teacher instead of you, wasn't she? I've never seen her do that" basically twist the knife that has already gone half way through my heart. (that was a reference to her "school play" last night) I know people don't mean to come off mean but stuff like that just cuts deep into my soul and stays there.
Anyway, I know it's something that will come more and more frequently as she gains her independence but I have a feeling it is always going to hurt because it means I'm not the most important thing in her life anymore when I have been for so long. I guess I am going to have to figure out a way to get over it before it starts to bubble over more. I have to learn not to take it personally. She's 10mths for Pete's sake. I just love her more then I ever thought I could and I really got used to her needing me for everything...now that she's stopped needed me so much I almost feel useless. I guess I just have to adjust to knowing she needs me in different ways now.
One reason she was so sad when you left before and so very excited when you picked her up was because she did not know that you would come back... separation anxiety.
ReplyDeleteNow, because you are a good mommy and have given her all the love and stability she needs - she is not anxious. She knows you will be back to get her, and love her and that you are always there for her. So why not stay and play a little longer - mommy will always be there?
Children with out a strong love and bond with their parents cannot bond with others. I know it doesn't seem that way and it still hurts, but it is a testament to how loved she feels.
I'm going to post something a little longer when I'm not so tired but I wanted to say this right now...Nessa is completely right! I use to be upset that my kids were the only kids who didn't cry when I left them somewhere but guess what...its because they are very well adjusted, very stable, and loved very much. Next time you see a child that you don't know clinging to their mommy just let your mind wonder...could that child think mommy isn't coming back? Does she not get enough mommy time at home and now that mommy is holding her she doesn't want her to let go? Now don't get me wrong...there are days when my kids (mostly when they are sick) don't want anyone else and some other children will always cling to mommy no matter what...but I'm just sayin'...let your mind ponder those things a bit. I'll get back to ya on a few other things when I'm rested...or at least more so than I am now since I am never truly 'rested'.
ReplyDeleteI know just how you feel. What gets me through is thinking about how I feel about my mom. Just know that Teagan will feel about you the way you feel about your mom.
ReplyDeleteWe can trade children for a while if you want a taste of the opposite extreme! Each end of the spectrum has it's advantages and disadvantages, I guess.
ReplyDeleteHere's the disadvantage side of my world (maybe it will help you feel better!)
1. Caleb has to usually has to literally carry Rachel (usually screaming) out of the bathroom if I am going to get a shower alone.
2. She has been known to spread herself out in a x so that she will not fit through doorways where we are going to leave her (although we're mostly over this, thankfully).
3. Not only is she a momma's girl, but has also decided her sister should be too and rudely lets anyone who touches Lydia know that mommy is supposed to hold her.
4. I saw something running down the middle aisle in church not long ago - it was my child who had escaped children's church.
The list goes on and on. It's sometimes frustrating, sometimes sad, sometimes embarassing. Bottom line: children have to learn to function without us, peaceful transitions are good (even though they're sad).