Friday, December 10, 2010

Mommy Guilt? Get over it.

*Caution, jealous, bitter, Mommy vent ahead.  Proceed at your own risk.*

Mommy guilt. Jealousy.  I'm at least trying to not let it surface too much but occasionally the little booger boils over.  Yesterday and today have been awful but I'm trying to keep it under control.  Teagan loves school. Absolutely adores her teachers and 90% of the time this is a good thing...until it isn't. She squirms out of my arms to get to her teacher as soon as we get through the door to school.  I barely even get a chance to give her a kiss and tell her bye before she is reaching out for her sweet teacher.  Here lately she hasn't even wanted to come home.  I go in to get her and she doesn't wiggle her legs in excitement like she used to.  She doesn't squirm to come get me if she is in somebody's arms.  Instead of crawling to me she either ignores me or gives me a "hi, whatever Mom" smile and continues to play.  As much as I don't like seeing her cry I selfishly could use a "don't go, Mommy" cry or whimper or SOMETHING every now and then.  And I really miss the "Oooo! Ooooo! Mommy's here" excitement and squeals because honestly, it made my day.  I literally rush toward the "school" door in almost a sprint in order to get to her and then when I get there she could care less that I'm there.  Some days I really think she would rather go home with her teacher.  I know it's normal, I know she's growing up, I know I should be glad that she likes school this much and I know I should be glad she is this comfortable with her teachers, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I know all that.  My head and my heart are two different organs for a reason.  One is reasonable the other is emotional.  Sometimes one trumps the other and these last two days my heart has been champion.  My feelings have been so hurt and they have been putting yucky thoughts into my head like:
It's no wonder she wants to stay at school.  They are practically raising her since you work 8 hrs. a day and don't feed her at lunch anymore.  Ms. Haley, Ms. Alice and Ms. Judy don't get frustrated at her like you sometimes do.  Her teachers don't have to tell her no as often so she likes them better.  Her friends are at school and there is nobody at home to really play with because sometimes you're too busy doing "grown-up things" to give her all of your attention.  She sees her teachers more then she sees you.  You could be a stranger compared to them.  She is going to learn how to do all sorts of things without you because you work full time.  You're not a good mommy because you can't stay home or is it because you won't stay home? Could you really handle staying at home with her all the time? Would you give her all the attention she needs or would you ignore her and do the grown-up things? Maybe you're not cut out for this but it's a little late now.  She's really better off at "school" then she is all day with you. 
Now, as you can see these things will eat and eat at a person's soul.  Some days I'm okay but other days those thoughts just eat at me.  Little comments like "she was ready to go back to her teacher instead of you, wasn't she? I've never seen her do that" basically twist the knife that has already gone half way through my heart.  (that was a reference to her "school play" last night) I know people don't mean to come off mean but stuff like that just cuts deep into my soul and stays there.
Anyway, I know it's something that will come more and more frequently as she gains her independence but I have a feeling it is always going to hurt because it means I'm not the most important thing in her life anymore when I have been for so long.  I guess I am going to have to figure out a way to get over it before it starts to bubble over more.  I have to learn not to take it personally.  She's 10mths for Pete's sake.  I just love her more then I ever thought I could and I really got used to her needing me for that she's stopped needed me so much I almost feel useless.  I guess I just have to adjust to knowing she needs me in different ways now.