Monday, January 24, 2011

Dearest Teagan

Dearest Teagan,
This weekend was an exhausting and exciting blur.  Sunday after church we were able to slow down just a little while.  Your daddy was helping Grandpa and it was just the two of us.  You played while I ate lunch and then I was thankful when you got sleepy because I'd wanted a true Teagan cuddle all weekend.  Usually when you nap I will put in a movie or something but not this time.  We laid back on the couch and you cuddled up into the nape of my neck like you have always done.  I rubbed your back and you tugged my ear and you quickly fell asleep.  I spent a little time thinking about the last year.  Thinking of the anticipation I felt after your due date came and went.  The exhilaration and strength I felt when the contractions started.  The fightening feeling when I found out I would have to have a c-section.  The pure joy I felt to my core when Dr. James lifted you above that awful blue curtain, I saw your face and I heard you cry for the first time.  I remember my first real scare when they said you were losing more weight then you should and they kept us an extra day.  I remember getting ready to go home  and laughing because we didn't have any proper fitting clothes because they said you'd be bigger then you were.  I remember laughing when after my milk came in you gained 13 ounces in a week and they were definitely not worried about your weight anymore! Over those first few weeks you taught me so much.  Unconditional love, patience, a longing to meet your needs before mine even crossed my mind.  Your daddy was amazing during this time.  It's like a switch flipped on and he was instantly transformed into super dad.  You showed me how to love your Daddy in a whole new way.  Through this last year I feel like I have grown a lot with you.  In the past there were times when things would get tough or frustrating and I would run.  There have been a lot of tough and frustrating moments this first year but it never crossed my mind to leave or run away.  Looking back Little Bear you have helped make me a better and stronger woman.  Over the past year I have grown to appreciate the little things.  Like your first smile, laugh or attempts to roll over.  Even as I type the words "appreciate the little things" I laugh.  Because honestly, those weren't little things.  Those were big exciting things and you amaze me with new big exciting things every day.  Sometimes there are days I can just give you every second of my attention gladly and other days that go by in a blur and I feel like I haven't seen you enough to give you all the kisses and hugs I wanted to.
This letter could go on for pages and pages.  Single spaced with no line skipping.  So, I'll end it.  I only hope that you will remember that even on those blurry days that I love you with a love so pure and unconditional.  I love you to the moon and back Little Bear.
I am excited and anxious to see what toddlerhood brings us.

Love you Forever and Always,
Mommy