Monday, August 29, 2011

Slightly disconnected.

Both of my pregnancies were/have been pretty easy.  Physically easy. Emotionally this prgnancy has been a little difficult.  During this pregnancy both Baby Bear and I have been put on the back burner.  Taking care of Teagan's needs have come first and I feel like they should. She is here and can't care for herself.  So, I (and Josh), have to.  Don't think I resent Teagan for this at all.  I love caring for Teagan.  The fact that I have let me an Baby Bear be put on the back burner has made it hard for me to focus on this pregnancy or Baby Bear at all.  That is my fault. NOT Teagan's.
I just feel so disconnected from Baby Bear.  I feel like  haven't had time to be excited.  I feel like I've barely had time to remember I'm even pregnant.  I don't feel like I know this baby.  With Teagan I knew every movement.  I knew her schedule.  I sang to her. I read to her. I spent hours rubbing my belly and day dreaming about holding her.  By the time I sit down at night I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open. 
The feeling of disconnect scares me.  What if the feeling continues after Baby Bear gets here?  What if I'm not capable of loving nother baby? What if I just go through the motions?  What if I compare Baby Bear to Teagan? Should we have found out if Baby Bear is a boy or girl?  Would that have helped?  Would buying a few "things" specifically for Baby Bear make me feel more connected? Like "ohh, this is for Baby Bear"!  I feel like the emotionally floodgates are fixing to open at any time.  There are anywhere from 4-7 weeks before Baby Bear gets here.  There have been times I have just wished for this pregnancy to be over so I can hold Baby Bear.  So I can pove to Baby Bear that I DO love her/him.  So I can cuddle and nurse and rock.  So I can connect.  I almost feel more pressure to deliver vaginally and naturally.  I feel like that would help me feel with the connection.  I know that sounds kind of crazy but it's how I feel.  I am craving any kind of connection with my Baby. 
Have any of you felt like this? With your first? Second? Third? Was there anything that helped you? I feel so scared and so helpless.