Both of my pregnancies were/have been pretty easy. Physically easy. Emotionally this prgnancy has been a little difficult. During this pregnancy both Baby Bear and I have been put on the back burner. Taking care of Teagan's needs have come first and I feel like they should. She is here and can't care for herself. So, I (and Josh), have to. Don't think I resent Teagan for this at all. I love caring for Teagan. The fact that I have let me an Baby Bear be put on the back burner has made it hard for me to focus on this pregnancy or Baby Bear at all. That is my fault. NOT Teagan's.
I just feel so disconnected from Baby Bear. I feel like haven't had time to be excited. I feel like I've barely had time to remember I'm even pregnant. I don't feel like I know this baby. With Teagan I knew every movement. I knew her schedule. I sang to her. I read to her. I spent hours rubbing my belly and day dreaming about holding her. By the time I sit down at night I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open.
The feeling of disconnect scares me. What if the feeling continues after Baby Bear gets here? What if I'm not capable of loving nother baby? What if I just go through the motions? What if I compare Baby Bear to Teagan? Should we have found out if Baby Bear is a boy or girl? Would that have helped? Would buying a few "things" specifically for Baby Bear make me feel more connected? Like "ohh, this is for Baby Bear"! I feel like the emotionally floodgates are fixing to open at any time. There are anywhere from 4-7 weeks before Baby Bear gets here. There have been times I have just wished for this pregnancy to be over so I can hold Baby Bear. So I can pove to Baby Bear that I DO love her/him. So I can cuddle and nurse and rock. So I can connect. I almost feel more pressure to deliver vaginally and naturally. I feel like that would help me feel with the connection. I know that sounds kind of crazy but it's how I feel. I am craving any kind of connection with my Baby.
Have any of you felt like this? With your first? Second? Third? Was there anything that helped you? I feel so scared and so helpless.
Teagan, you are doing all Baby Bear needs right now - taking care of you. Don't forget, when you read to Teagan, sing to Teagan - you are really giving to both. It hears the love in your voice, the joy when you sing to Teagan and will come out knowing his/her mommies voice and Teagans too. Baby Bear doesn't care if you know his/her schedule. He/She just want to be safe and warm. In those days in the hospital and nights up feed - you will lay the profound connection with your new little one. Don't worry momma.
ReplyDeleteRici, I loved Brennan when he was born, but I did feel disconnected from him. He was this strange being that we were suddenly fully responsible for...I didn't feel a full connection until a few weeks after his birth, when his personality really started to emerge. I think that's when the final piece was in place for me. It's totally normal, don't worry! You will love Baby Bear just as much as Teagan and I know that they will both feel it!
ReplyDeleteaww Rici, I felt this way with Piper. So scared/unsure/nervous about having two.... caring for two... loving two.
ReplyDeleteFor me, it helped knowing Piper was a girl, knowing her name, having things new for Piper. For me, it was easier to explain "Piper" to Riley than just 'baby.'
But regardless if you decide to find out or not, you will love them, you will love them both with all your heart. You have enough love for both of them and then so much more.
Balancing two is tricky, but there's plenty of cuddles, hugs, and love to go around. :) You'll be great :)
Everything that you're feeling is completely normal! I felt the same way throughout this second pregnancy and even a little now that Alli is here. I feel like I still need to feed/clothe/bathe/ and take care of Lila even if Alli is crying or doesn't want to be put down. It's definitely a give and take, but you will get used to it. You will definitely have enough love to go around...hands is another story though-you will always be short two of those!
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