Intentions

The Lord has been teaching me a lot over the last few months. Lessons about intentionality and humbleness.  My first lesson over the last few months was this one, where I talked about fasting.  This time, it's about making a joyful noise, with selfless intentions.
As a teenager and young adult I craved attention.  I wanted to be the center of it.  From around the middle school years I decided I wanted to act and sing. My childhood best friend and I would sing until our voices were mere whispers but we were happy.  She and I would spend hours singing on the phone with one of our guy friends at the time.  Boys II Men was one of our favorites.  We would just play music and sing to each other, with each other.  It was a glorious time.  When I reached 10th or 11th grade I decided I was going to move to Hollywood and become rich and famous and everybody was going to love me and want to be me.  (side note-SO glad that never came to fruition)  I got wrapped up in material things.  I would sing in the car while I watched myself in the rear view mirror to make sure my face didn't look funny while I sang.  I starved myself so I would fit the mold.  All I was concerned about was the material.  Was the physical.  What I wore and what I looked like.  I was so very vain.  It's so sad how wrapped up I was in myself.  I believe I did have a talent to sing.  To act even, I did it so well on a daily basis for so long.
   
The Lord has been working with my heart here lately on being humble.  He has placed a conviction and a longing to be humble. For example, I have never lost my love for singing.  Ever.  However, those reasons have changed with each passing month over the last few years.  I told Josh a little while ago that I would love to sing with our worship team at church but I would never ask to do so.  It just felt wrong.  It felt like I was back to "hello, I can sing, you need to use me" all over again and I just couldn't stand the thought.  Honestly, I think my selfishness cost me some of my gift over the years.  I think it holds true that if you don't use the gift, correctly, then you start to lose it.  I prayed for months for a humble heart.  I prayed that any ounce of selfishness would leave my heart.  I prayed that if I were meant to be a part of our worship team that the opportunity would arise but only when my heart had reached the point of readiness.  Only when my heart had reached the point where my heart would not swell with pride if I was paid a compliment.  The Lord has given me the opportunity to participate with the worship team.  He has also allowed me to do so with baby steps.  Giving me enough opportunity to keep my humbleness in check.  To make sure that I don't jump in head first and lose the lessons that he has taught me and it continuing to teach me.  I am so thankful for God's grace in my life.  I am so grateful for being able to look back at my life and say "hey, so THAT's why that happened".  I am so thankful for God's grace.  I am so thankful that when I sing I can truly say that my heart is singing praises to my King, not just singing so the person next to me might think I have a pretty voice.